Recapturing Teen Wolf: Three’s Company

Previously on Teen Wolf… Derek rescued Ms Blake. There’s an alpha pack in town and they’re probably not here to make friends. Also Derek has a sister Cora. Allison’s mom was kind of crazy (but also kind of magnificent). Isaac’s dad was definitely crazy and someone’s killing virgins.

Needle, it’s okay though it’s a good needle. We’re at the animal clinic where Deaton and Scott are fixing up a cute little puppy. As it’s usually the owners that feel the most pain so Scott helps out by flirting with the dogs cutie owner. Scott’s such a flirt, unfortunately I think it’s mostly accidental. Don’t fall for it dude, he’s only got eyes for Allison (and Isaac).

Who's the alpha? You're the Alpha! 

Anyway the dog is called bullet because the cutie is from a military family (important information). He’s also kind of an idiot because when he gets outside instead of carrying his tiny little dog or even having him on a leash he just lets Bullet roam free and run away (if you weren’t terrified for the dog at this moment you have no soul). The people in this town really don’t have the best common sense.

Who lets their dog run the show... idiot.

Back inside the animal clinic Scott has used his medical knowledge (I love it when he gets technical) to find the source of the problem. Deaton recognizes it right away. It’s poisonous to dogs and werewolves. It’s mistletoe (important information).  

Hey this looks safe. 

Outside the cutie follows Bullet into the dark ally because that’s a smart idea when there’s a killer on the loose. Seriously. Then he starts shouting for his dog until he hears a noise from under the dumpster. Then he fucken reaches under the creepy dumpster in a dark ally and is surprised when he gets bit. Except of course Bullet is not under the dumpster. Instead of picking up his dog and getting the fuck out of there cutie decides it’s a good idea to investigate further, taking the advice of the seriously scary voice (that is going to give me nightmares for months) that tells him to come closer.

The dog is okay therefore I am okay. Thanks Actual Superhero Scott McCall

Scott hears bullet barking but by the time he gets outside it’s too late. The cutie is gone. There’s that chanting again and it must be time for the opening credits.

Legs. Well hey there I would recognize those pins anywhere because they becoming a feature of this series. Not that I have a problem with them. They are some nice legs. I’d just like something more than legs. Ms Blake is wandering through the empty school again because that worked out so well last time. At least this time she’s hyper vigilant. She looks as though she has the feeling of being watching. Hmmm I wonder who could be watching our poor teacher from a distance like a creeper.

She reaches her classroom, closing the door behind her with relief and no one except Ms Blake is surprised to see Derek standing behind her. Now there’s thw socially awkward Derek we know and love. Derek, honey, this is not how you come on to someone. This is creepy. And we love it.

Yup. 

Ms Blake screams and grabs a stick that I assume she uses to point things out on the blackboard (also occasionally as punishment for self-hating alpha werewolves – oh come on like you weren’t all thinking the same thing). Anyway she’s terrified but also kind of aroused, which let’s face it is how most people react to Derek. She assumes he’s here to threaten/scare/kill her because of all the lurking but this is just how Derek shows concern.

Okay Haley Webb is totes adorable wielding that stick. 

She babbles and it totally charms Derek (and me – she’s kind of charming me) because we know how Derek likes it when they babble. She’s in therapy because she’s emotional unstable so they can bond over that… maybe she can drag Derek to her therapist. There’s romantic music and it’s a little bit twee but as the scene progresses I get sucked in.

Every time Derek steps forward Ms Blake takes a step back because although she’s intrigued she’s also clearly terrified and I like that. That means she smart, she’s damaged and she’s been hurt before. Also did I mention that I like the babbling…  

He's read a book. Are you as excited as I am?

Jennifer: In 20 minutes I have to start 2-dozen teenagers on The Crucible and I honestly have no idea what I’m going to say.

Derek: Well why don’t you start by telling them that it’s an allegory for McCarthyism.

And oh my goodness Derek talk lit with me some more because it is doing things for me. Things that I am kind of ashamed of but whatever because well-read Derek is now canon so you better get on that now fic writers. If this relationship is going to consist of literary analysis then I could get behind it.

Jennifer: Is that a subtle way of suggesting that I shouldn’t say anything because I wont.

They exchange names as Derek leaves and does anyone know how he keeps wandering around the school in broad daylight without anyone noticing? He was a murder suspect. He’s known for hanging out with underage teenagers.

Verdict is miles above last week but they’re still pushing it a little bit hard. Also I really hope they recognize that they have kind of created a female Stiles because yeah. It would be a lot easier to get behind this couple if it weren’t for the fact that since the season started Derek has been pushing away everyone that he cares about because he’s ready and willing to die. It doesn’t make sense that he would start flirting with the cute teacher. He would run a mile from those feelings and you know it.

LOCKER ROOM! Oh hello. I have missed you. For those of you that don’t know the locker room is a mystical place that I love with my whole soul because it always shows me wonderful things. Scott is telling Stiles about the missing cutie and Stiles wants to know if Scott thinks he might have been a virgin. Because that’s something you can tell just by looking him.

Scott McCall: Comedian! 

Scott: No definitely not. Deaton makes me have sex with all of his clients. It’s a new policy.

Scott is so proud of his use of sarcasm (I thought it was hilarious Scott, good for you) but Stiles is having none of it at the moment because he has more important things to worry about like fact that someone is killing virgins.

Stiles: You know who else is a virgin. Me. I’m a virgin okay and you know what that means? It means that m lack of sexual experience is now literally a threat to my life. Okay I need to have sex right now. Someone needs to have sex with me like today. Like someone needs to sex me right now!

In that moment the entire fandom collectively screamed, “I volunteer”. Also thanks Teen Wolf for giving as footage of Stiles saying that because I can’t wait for the fan vids. 

That is the face of a man thinking about buttsex. 

Enter Danny. (Also can we just say now that it’s official that Danny listens to all their very loud conversations and either thinks they’re certifiable or knows all about werewolves?).  Danny is willing to help a bro out. He’s tells Stiles to be has his place at 9 and plan to stay the whole night. He likes to cuddle. Stiles is like what? And then aww? And then oh right this a joke because of course it’s a joke, Danny is way out of your league Stiles. Still there is very little doubt in my mind that if Danny’s offer had been sincere Stiles would have taken him up on it.

Stiles: Okay you don’t tow with a guys emotions like that Danny. It’s not attractive all right.

Actually it’s kind of attractive. Isn’t that the point of the bad boy thing?

Oh locker room. You never disappoint. 

Isaac walks… well struts (because Isaac always struts) into the locker room and Coach Cupcake welcomes him back. Coach Cupcake then reminds the room that cross-country is not optional for lacrosse players because he doesn’t want them turning into a bunch of fat-asses. Looking at Isaac and Danny it doesn’t look likely but I think we should probably get an update every week just in case.

* aggressively ties shoelaces *

Outside while Isaac is tying his shoelaces he catches a whiff of his sworn enemies. The Alpha twins (who apparently can only walk in slow motion, seriously was there some kind of sale on slow motion scenes because I think you’re going a little crazy there). The alpha twins take off and Scott tries to stop Isaac from chasing after them, but he can’t because Isaac’s on a mission.

Kiss-chasey?

They run and the twins kind of look like this is all a game but for Isaac this is serious. Slow motion, fast motion. And Isaac is alone. He’s lost them. Nope they’re just hiding. They knock Isaac off the track and make a snide remark about how many bones there are in the human body (they’re going to break them all you see) but they spoke too soon because it’s Actual Super Hero Scott McCall to the rescue. He even makes his very own Buffy-pun! He really is the chosen wolf. You go Scott, I can tell by the way Isaac is looking at him that he’s gonna get the special birthday sex tonight.

In Stiles professional opinion that guy is 3 dead.

Then there’s some werewolf growling (there is far too much growling in this season, if they stopped growling and started fighting we might have time for some actual closure on Erica’s death). The growling is soon cut off by a scream. They run to investigate and everyone is standing in front of the cutie from the cold-open who is very dead. Like 3 times dead.

Sheriff you should get a prize or some cupcakes or something for putting up with Stiles on a daily basis.

The Sheriff is there, because it’s a murder and he’s trying to get everyone away from the crime scene except Stiles is bothering him to inform him of the obvious. This death is like the others. The Sheriff looks about 400% done with Stiles getting in the way of his investigations and tells him to go back to school. Stiles does not look happy about it but really as far as the Sheriff is concerned this is not Stiles’ problem. He might accept your help Stiles if you actually told him what was going on. I will bake cookies for whoever tells the Sheriff what’s going on.

Aww Stiles looks so shocked that Scott isn't taking his side. 

After that Scott is placed in a difficult position that many of us have been in. What do you do when your best friend and your boyfriend new friend disagree and they put you in the middle of the argument? Stiles points out that the Alpha twins looked surprised and Isaac is like nope they did it. Stiles points out that the murders lack werewolfitud and Isaac is like do you think it’s a coincidence?

Scott follows his penis and agrees with Isaac hoping that Stiles will take one for the team. Does he not know Stiles at all? Stiles is never going to lose an argument even if it means you getting laid Scott. Scott tries to say that human sacrifices sounds a bit far fetched (that argument sounds a bit far fetched Scott stop thinking with your penis)…

You what?

Stiles: Scott your eyes turn into yellow glow sticks okay. Hair literally grows from your cheeks then will immediately disappear and if I were to stab you right now it would just magically heal. Are you telling me that you’re having trouble grasping human sacrifices?

No special birthday sex for Scott anymore. 

Scott has no choice but to admit that Stiles has a point. Isaac doesn’t care though, he just wants to kill the Alpha twins. Okay then. Good. That’s healthy. It’s too bad that Stiles and Isaac are fighting over Scott because I think they would get along really well.

HALE-o there. 

At Derek’s loft Cora is working out because it’s a Hale trait apparently (she’s so Season 1 Derek and it’s perfect). I think they got confused about the concept of working through your issues because this really isn’t helping. But I can’t say I mind watching Cora work out. Also Derek is in those jeans again. This might be emotional draining but damn it’s nice to look at.

Cora’s not healed yet and Derek refuses to fight her even thought it seems like she has a could use a way to release her pent up anger. She got her ass thrown in a vault for three months for Derek because she came looking for the Alpha of Beacon Hills.

Urgh. You both suck. 

Cora: All those rumors I heard. A powerful new Alpha. One of the Hales. Building a pack. Do you know how long I waited to hear something like that? Do you have any idea how it felt to find out you were alive? 

First of all – I think he does know what that feels like on account of he just found out you were alive Cora. Secondly who the fuck has been saying that there was a powerful new Alpha in Beacon Hills because clearly it wasn’t anyone that has actually met and/or interacted with Derek. I love Derek so much that it’s probably not healthy but he is not a very good Alpha. Unless they were talking about Scott. They were probably talking about Scott. Either that or Peter started the rumor as a joke.

I just like her face okay.

Suddenly an alarm – the door opens and in comes Ennis (the Alpha from the hospital). Cora’s like fuck that and jumps right into the fight because she’s angry and totally badass but also incredibly stupid because that’s an Alpha dude. Naturally Ennis takes Cora down and Derek’s about to jump into help (because he knows he can totally take Ennis) when Kali turns up. Kali’s just better than Derek so she stabs him through the back with a metal pipe. Nice.

That's just not polite. 

Cora cries, there’s blood and in walks Deucalion. He’s so over violence he just wants to have a little chat while Derek is pinned to the ground with a pipe through his chest. As you do.

She's so peaceful in her sleep. 

Ms Morrell is teaching French – apparently she really is a French teacher. Huh. I thought that was just a dig that Lydia made against her. Well you learn something new every day. Except Allison doesn’t because she’s too busy sleeping in class, which is kind of understandable considering she was out all night cleaning up of the boy’s messes.

AHHH she's amazing. Starring into our souls! Come back to us!

As Allison jerks awake she sees an image of her mother (beautiful woman return to me) before realizing she’s actually looking at Ms Morrell. Someone’s seeing things that aren’t there again. This is a thing. Ms Morrell is worried she thinks they should have a little chat in the guidance councilors office. Allison thinks that Ms Morrell should explain why she was at the bank. Ms Morrell says that Allison should do the same. They have reached an impasse also Allison has detention.

I am going to write an epic poem dedicated to that green t-shirt.

Apparently Mr Harris is the only science teacher in Beacon Hills because it’s been a while since I was in high school but I’m pretty sure that’s physics not chemistry. It doesn’t matter anyway because Scott’s not listening (Danny knows his stuff though and he looks damn good too). He’s trying to calm Isaac down. It’s not working. Isaac jumps out of his seat and asks to go to the bathroom. Scott stands up to follow him but Mr Harris denies his request. He is not getting a bathroom pass just so he can go make out with his boyfriend. There is no subtle way to say this… the whole class now thinks they’re fucking… as do I.

Scott: No you see let me explain to you why I need to follow my boyfriend to the bathroom... sex. 

In the hallway Isaac is confronted by the Alpha twins. He’s expecting a fight but instead he watches confused as Aiden punches Ethan, again and again (Ethan likes it rough, well done Danny). Once Ethan is sufficiently beaten Aiden throws him at Isaac’s feet just in time for everyone to come out of the classroom. Including Danny who rushes to Ethan’s aid. Ethan explains that he’s oh-so innocent and Isaac doesn’t really help the situation by standing there smiling.

Knight in shining green v-neck t-shirts!

Back at the loft Derek’s still got a pipe through his chest and apparently this is Kali being gentle. Derek asks Deucalion to let Cora go and he does, just to show how reasonable he is (this is a totally reasonable situation). He doesn’t want Derek to throw him in with the likes of Peter Hale. He’s a man with vision (get it, because he’s blind).

Still impaled... 

Scott tries to comfort Isaac. They’re just trying to make him mad and it’s only lunchtime detention because that is apparently a suitable punishment for beating the crap out of a fellow student. Isaac points across the hall – Aiden is talking to Lydia.  He’s trying to get a date. Lydia’s playing hard to get but get excited because she is no longer hiding her intelligence from the men she wants to bang. She’s using it to seduce and intimidate them and that’s sexy. Except she probably shouldn’t be seducing Aiden. Can someone tell her about the Alpha twins please? Scott, how about you?

Someone needs to give Lydia the info already. 

Scott’s mad because it’s his job to protect all the ladies (without actually telling them anything so they could protect themselves) and Isaac is just too busy checking Scott out to care about anything else. He likes Scott when he’s angry.

Special birthday sex is back on. 

Stiles peers through the window to the office, watching as his father interviews the dead cuties girlfriend. When she leaves the room Stiles grabs her to ask an invasive, inappropriate and insensitive question: Was her dead boyfriend a virgin? She slaps him, which I feel is a fairly appropriate response and she gives him an answer anyway so I’d count that as a win Stiles. The latest victim was NOT a virgin.

Stiles: Don't hate me but did you do the sex? What does it feel like?

The Sheriff grabs Stiles and he’s all what he hell are you doing? I guess he’s still not over the whole Stiles stealing a prison transfer van and kidnapping the kid of one of the most prominent families in town causing him to lose his job. Also Stiles is getting himself noticed and now the FBI is here it’s looking more and more like Stiles is going to get arrested for these murders. I feel like Sheriff Stilinski has a right to be mad.

It was funny for a moment but someone really needs to tell the Sheriff like 3 months ago. 

At the loft Derek is still impaled on a pipe. Cora’s getting worried and so am I. This was fun for a little while but I’d like there to be less blood coming out of Derek soon please. Kali suggests that Deucalion (who she calls Duke) should get to the point because who knows how long Derek will last like that. I agree Kali. I also love you. A lot.

Kali's tells Cora the sex will have to wait until after she's done torturing her brother. 

Duke’s all – this is the problem with Alpha packs everyone wants to make the decisions. Not Duke though, Duke is different. Duke is special. He’s all about discovering new talents… but he’s not very good at it because why is he going after Derek?

Derek’s not interested. He doesn’t want to kill his pack. Duke’s all – come on. I did it. Ennis did it. Kali did it and she loved it. 10/10. Would recommend killing your pack Derek. What does he want with a couple of maladjusted teenagers anyway?

So what I'm getting from this is that Harris ships Allisaac?

Speaking of maladjusted teenagers. Isaac is in detention with Allison. Of course Mr Harris runs lunchtime detention. I bet he volunteers for it. He places Allison and Isaac together… and it turns out even better than he imagined when he finds out that Isaac really doesn’t want to be paired with Allison on account of that one time she tried to kill him.

Boyd is not interested in your shit Stiles because he's the only one mourning Erica's death.

Stiles checks the locker memorial of the dead cutie and Boyd adds a card that says Junior Airforce ROTC. Stiles is like oh hey Boyd I didn’t know you were back in school and Boyd’s like yeah I would have told you except were not friends (burn). He knew the dead cutie – they were in ROTC together – but they weren’t friends. Boyd only had one friend and she’s dead.

Oh wait did Erica die? I had totally forgotten because everyone else seems to have. You promised us closure Jeff… can we have that please? This is getting awkward.

They're just waiting for Scott to arrive then the sex will commence. 

Speaking of awkward Allison and Isaac are restocking the janitor’s closet together. Isaac’s all remember that time you stabbed me 20 times with a knife? Allison’s like actually they were Chinese ring daggers. Isaac’s like yeah that’s the one, that was fun, good times. Allison’s like yeah, sorry, lol.

In all seriousness I actually really like this interaction. Neither of them is compromising on who they are but they are reaching a kind of understanding. This is how an interesting relationship should progress (just in case you guys needed a hint for some of the other relationships on the show). There’s definitely something there, but I’m not sure what that something is yet.

Anyway suddenly things get real when the door closes and someone pushes the vending machine up against it trapping Allison and a very claustrophobic Isaac in the small closet together. Isaac quickly starts to freak out and it’s really difficult to watch as he starts to get flash backs to being locked in the fridge in his fathers basement. He begins to shirt and turns on Allison.

Scott's mad because they agreed on no hanky panky unless all parties were involved.

Scott to the rescue (this is basically all Scott does in this episode, which is disappointing – I need more active Scott please). He pulls Isaac out of the closet (hehehehe) and uses what I can only assume is his developing Alpha voice to calm Isaac down and force him to shift back. Allison has a scratch but she doesn’t blame Isaac. This was the Alpha twins and they are going down because now Isaac, Scott and Allison are a team (in many ways) and that’s something you don’t want to mess with. Basically my OT3 is better than your OTP.

Stiles tells Lydia about the human sacrifices… and can we talk about how much I love the way that Lydia is always walking away from Stiles in these conversations. It is just so perfect for their relationship. Speaking of perfect things, Stiles rant about dead babies was amazing (anyone that’s every experienced an ADD rant will appreciate this).

Lydia's used to his dead baby rants. 

Stiles: You know there’s a temple in Calcutta where they used to sacrifice a child every day. That’s every day a dead baby Lydia. Every day. Hey you want to know what today is? It’s dead baby day. Oh no wait that’s every day, cause every day’s dead baby day.

Lydia doesn’t understand why it concerns her so Stiles tries to suggest that whoever it is going after people with small dogs. Lydia is not getting rid of her dog also you can’t discern a pattern from a single data point. Jeeze Stiles. If you two don’t grow up and become partners in the FBI or something I will be so disappointed. Also Stiles finally tells Lydia about the Alpha twins - he thought she new and all right everyone needs to stop assuming that people know shit. USE YOUR WORDS PEOPLE!

Please be friends forever and ever and ever and don't ruin your relationship by having sex because you will regret it even though it will be hot. Please. 

Stiles: Okay so what I’m just supposed to wait around for someone else to die then. I’m just supposed to sit there and watch them die. Just wait for them to whiter up and die in front of me.

And someone needs to cut out my heart because it’s no use to me anymore. It is broken and it is all because Stiles equates every single death with his mothers and I just can’t anymore. This is too much.

Lydia is confused as well but Stiles recovers quickly with some graphic descriptions of murder. Lydia says that the deaths seem pretty human so maybe they should let someone human solve the mystery… like Stiles dad. Whose job it is to solve crimes like this. Stiles is not convinced.

This is just so sexy. How do I put in a request for more of this please?

Outside the school Allison is hotwiring one of the twins bikes while Isaac watches on in lust wonder. That is possibly the sexiest thing I have seen all episode… and that includes the locker room. Seriously fandom always assumes that the men have these skills but now we know that Allison is the one that can get the criminal shit done.

Isaac hops on the bike and shares a moment with Allison… she tells him not to crash he’s like been there, done that. Allison snaps a picture of Isaac on the bike and sends it to Scott and was that really necessary. A short text would have sufficed but nope she had to take a picture. I am finding it increasingly difficult not to assume that Isaac, Scott and Allison are in a polyamorous relationship (it’s happening).

Scott knows something you don't know.

Scott smiles because his boyfriend and girlfriend are being badass and committing crime together (you’ve done well Scott). He sits down next to the Alpha twins and starts pulling bike parts out his bag. Everything about this scene is perfect. It’s so teenage because the Alpha’s are seriously dangerous (did they forget that Erica is dead oh wait they did) but it’s more important to get them back with a prank than anything else and that’s how it would be. A motorcycle starts revving and Aiden rushes out of the room.

Whoops. How'd that get in there?

Isaac rides the motorbike through the school halls (and it’s super lucky none of the other classes come out) until Aiden confronts him and tells him to get the hell of his bike. Isaac’s like no worries so he does an unnecessary flip (incase we forgot he’s been spending most of his time with Derek) off the bike. Just in time to watch the hallway fill with people and for Ms Blake to suspend Aiden for riding his bike through the halls! Paybacks a bitch.

Hi tumblr! Fan fiction this bitches. 

Scott, Allison and Isaac stand at the end of the hall together smirking – and looking directly at the camera – in a way that suggests they are about to go back to that janitor’s closet to have all kinds of crazy sex.

Stiles is 100% done with your cryptic shit Deaton.

You know who’s definitely not having sex… Stiles. He’s at the animal clinic for a little chat with everyone’s favourite cryptic vet because his dad – you might know him he’s the Sheriff – is trying to solve the murders, which makes sense because of the whole Sheriff thing. But Stiles knows that Deaton knows that his dad doesn’t have all the facts and that makes it pretty hard to catch a murderer. Stiles figures the guy that always seems to know everything might be some help on the information front.

Fun times continue at the loft. 

While we’re on the topic of people that could use some help. Derek’s still got a pipe sticking through his chest and it’s oozing blood, which cannot be healthy. Duke is explaining that after he was blinded one of his betas tried to challenge him and when Duke killed the beta he discovered that he absorbed his power. So for science he killed another one and the same thing happened so he killed them all… for science of course. He took the parts of the individual and became the greater whole. SCIENCE!

Duke grabs Derek’s face so he can feel what he looks like then he says:

Who gave you the right?

Deucalion: You’re right Kali he looks like his mother.

And I cry tears of blood because Derek looks like his mom and Deucalion and Kali know his mom and Cora looks like she knows something and this is way too many Hale family feelings to be having at 2am okay. I am not emotionally equipped to deal with this shit. Derek’s not biting though, he knows what Duke is, he’s a fanatic. Duke does not like to be underestimated and I think it’s about time for a dramatic evil villain speech.

DEEEMMMMONNNN WOOOLLLLFFFFF!!1!!1!!!!!

Deucalion: You’ve never seen anything like me. I am the alpha of alphas. I am the apex of apex predators. I am death destroyer of worlds. I AM THE DEMON WOLF!!!!!!!

This speech comes complete with it’s only lightening and a zoom of doom. Also he gets so passionate that Duke’s glasses crack. Apparently it happens all the time. Now that’s the kind of commitment and enthusiasm I like to see in a villain. It’s almost better than Gerard saying “MOUNTAIN ASH” but not quite. Still this is how I like my villains hilariously over dramatic. It’s moments like these that I remember I am actually watching an MTV show about teenage werewolves.

Later bitches.

Cora cowers in the corner and watches as Kali FINALLY pulls the pipe out of Derek (thank you) and follows Duke back out the way they came. It’s over. That’s it. Well what a lovely chat please come back any time Duke. That wasn’t traumatizing at all.

Remember that time they had a threesome with Jackson... oh wait maybe that was a wonderful dream.

Lydia’s drawing a tree (important information). Danny thinks it’s a great tree but her artistic talent is not really useful for the music class she’s currently sitting in. Woops Lydia’s losing time again. The class leaves because it’s been 15 minutes and the teacher didn’t turn up (so glad the 15 minute rule is still a thing). Lydia doesn’t leave because she’s freaked and trying to figure out where the dead body is. There has to be one somewhere.

Butt! 

Side note: I know you hate those short skirts Holland but you are rocking that outfit. Your legs are making me think very very very very very very very bad things. What I’m saying is I like it. I like it a lot.

Lydia you turned it up so you didn't have to ger that close but whatevs. You're perfect. Don't ever change.

She spots a phone recording on top of the piano and listens to it. It’s just a pretty piano tune until thud. That’s not right. Then there’s chanting. It’s the same chanting we’ve been hearing since ep on and holy shit does this mean that every time we heard the chanting it was diagetic? Because that’s a bit mind blowing.

Continuing along the theme of mind-blowing things back at the animal clinic Stiles is explaining what he’s figured out… basically Druids. (Who bet of Druids? You get a gold star). If you want all kinds of info and analysis about Druids then Google it yourself because it’s 2am and I can’t be fucked. 

Deaton does not want to have this convo.

Stiles: And anyone that’s every looked up human sacrifice knows that the druids had a pretty big hard on when it came to giving it up to the gods.

Seriously Stiles how many people do you think are looking up human sacrifice… okay the whole Teen Wolf fandom but still. Anyway Stiles name-drops the Lindow man and goes on to talk about the Druid’s favourite plant… and Deaton pulls out some mistletoe.

Stiles roles his eyes. Of course he knows what’s going on. Deaton always knows what’s going on but Stiles isn’t going to let him get away with it this time he wants to know why Deaton hasn’t fucking told them anything.

He gets character development... Erica gets dead.

Deaton: Maybe because when you’ve spent every moment of the last 10 years trying to push something away. Denying it. Lying about it. It becomes a pretty powerful habit. 

That is something Stiles understands, because as we witnessed earlier in the episode Stiles has spent every moment since his mother death ignoring the problem in the hopes that it might one day go away. These two need to be bros. They get each other. Two guys burying way too much guilt and pain without the black and white moral code that Scott and Derek have to pull them through.

Anyway Deaton doesn’t think that whoever is doing the killings is a Druid (options include: Peter Hale, Gerard Argent, Ms Morrell, Ms Blake, Lydia) because Druid means “wise oak” in Gaelic. The Druids weren’t murderers. They were close to nature and kept the balance. They were not serial killers.

Lydia calls Stiles – she calls him first this time, yay Stiles. He’s like I’m busy finding out some info from the cryptic guy can it wait. She’s like nope because the music teacher just got taken. There’s a bloody handprint on the piano and everything.

In which I am Deaton. What are you Lydia?

Later at the school – Lydia plays the recording for Stiles and Deaton (can I express how excited I am that Deaton is in the game but also how come this school just lets anyone wander in). Stiles gets his finger prints all around the crime scene and Deaton explains that each group of 3 would have a purpose, virgins, healers, protectors and warriors. Like soldiers, like the music teacher because Stiles just found a picture in his draw.

Don't mind him. He's just messing with the evidence again. 

Stiles automatically assumes Boyd is in danger (which is nice because Boyd really could use someone to look out for him) because Boyd was in ROTC with the cutie from the cold open. Lydia has another idea. She knows someone else that has a military connection….

So long. Farewell. You will not be missed.

Mr Harris sits alone in his classroom grading papers… there’s that creepy voice and the chanting. Well I can’t say I’m really upset about Harris.

Oh right this is serious and people are getting killed. 

Stiles and Isaac are on an endorphin high from their prank success when they are confronted by the Alpha twins. Whoops they didn’t think this one through. The Alpha twins pulls off their shirts (it’s important) and morph into the superalpha! Isaac’s like we can totes take them but Scott’s like no way dude and drags Isaac away. It’s too late. The super Alpha grabs them and it’s about to get a whole lot worse when Duke turns up to take control of his pets. (And yet another random adult is wandering the halls of Beacon Hills high school).

Oh no scratches are their one weakness! 

In Harris’s room Lydia, Deaton and Stiles are trying to find evidence that Harris was abducted (leaving their finger prints all around a crime scene again). Deaton’s like it could be anyone but considering there are only 3 teachers at this school there aren’t really that many options. Stiles is like well he wouldn’t leave without his bag. He’s always so smug when he’s right. I love it. It doesn’t look like they’re going to find anything when they notice that the letters on the paper are not the usual grading system. It’s a message.

For once high school grades actually mean something. 

Deaton explains what it means: When a druid goes bad it becomes a dark oak and the Gaelic word for dark oak is Darach.

Isn't it ironic... don't you think. 

It’s raining as Derek stares out the window of his loft looking forlorn… because of course it’s fucking raining as Derek stares forlornly out of his loft window. He’s telling Isaac that he has to move out and Isaac doesn’t understand what went wrong. Derek explains that there just isn’t enough room with Cora there but Isaac calls bullshit because that place is fucking huge.

Derek you self sacrificing asshole this is not fair!

Isaac asks Derek what he did wrong and I don’t like where this conversation is going not one bit I want it to stop now. Derek doesn’t answer Isaac’s question he just tells Isaac that he has to leave tonight. In the rain. Isaac’s all where am I supposed to go and I can’t handle this. No no no no nononononononono! Derek picks up something and throws it at Isaac, who flinches out because this is exactly like what we saw his father do way back at the start of Season 2. Isaac doesn’t look at Derek. He just stands and walks away.

Derek is not in a good place right now and it's making my existence very hard so let's make him happy okay?

If he had turned back he would have seen just how broken Derek was and if you could see me now you would probably put me out of my misery because I am ugly crying. I don’t know who to feel sorry for more because that was the worst thing Derek could have done to Isaac and it is totally unforgivable but that’s the point. He did that because it was completely unforgivable. Because it was the only way he could get Isaac to leave and not care if and when something terrible happened to Derek. He needed Isaac out of his pack and that was the only way to do it. Because he knows that Isaac has Scott and it’s all too much. I need a hug.

Something something wet t-shirt contest. Something something Scisaac sex. 

At the McCall house Scott is sitting in his room doing some homework (he’s still the new and improved Scott remember). There’s a knock at the door. Scott thinks it’s his mother but it’s not. It’s a soaking wet Isaac. I want to make some kind of objectifying remark about wet t-shirts but Isaac’s had such a shitty time I’m just going to imagine that Scott pulled him into his arms and held Isaac as he cried. And then Scott helped him out of his wet clothes and offered Isaac his bed. Scott’s planning to sleep on the floor of course because he’s a gentleman but Isaac says that’s ridiculous and pulls back the covers in offering. It’s awkward at first but soon their arms fall around each other and Isaac finally tells Scott all his fears about never being loved. Scott knows that’s not going to happen and he knows because he loves Isaac… and I’m sorry. I’ll stop now.  

Finally Harris is tied to a tree begging for his life as he’s being strangled. Well that’s not good. He begs whoever it is to please not do it.

You were a sassy asshole but you were also a dick. Good riddance. 

Harris: I did what you asked. I did everything. They’re going to figure this out and they’re gonna find you. You still need me.

Apparently that is not true because Harris is dead and I did not see that coming. I just assumed that Harris would forever be around to annoy Stiles and be the red herring but not only is he dead but he was actually working with the big bad this time. I am very intrigued.