Recapturing Teen Wolf: Never Trust a Fox

Previously on Teen Wolf… Scott has the ability to take people’s pain away. Peter has Talia’s claws, after Derek used them to ask her a question. And Isaac can do anything now that Allison has kissed him. Also skinny, defenseless Stiles is the nogitsune, and it attacked the hospital.

We open in Japan, I think. I don’t really know but it looks Japan-like and considering the whole Japanese mythology thing I’m going to go with Japan. A lone dude stands on a balcony. Let’s call him balconydude, because I’m super original and creative. There is instance music and he’s into the hard liquor. He’s thinking about serious important things. Man problems.

Japan? Or something.

Inside the room is full of moredudes – henchdudes – and they are speaking in English even though they are Japanese. I love TV. There is also a white wolf lying on a red pillow in the middle of the room. Balconydude is getting impatient, he wants to know why it’s talking so long. One of the henchdudes tries to calm him down saying that the doctor is on his way and he comes highly recommended.

Who let the crazy guy have a gun?

Balconydude is obviously very upset about the wolf, but he’s confined by patriarchal gender expectations so he can only express himself through anger. And now he has a gun. Good. Who gave the angry unhinged guy a gun? That wasn’t very smart – there’s some stuff about professional references and quality of service and more yelling about the doctor being late when.

The doctor is in... my pants.

ENTER DEATON! (No one tell balcony dude that Deaton is actually a veterinarian not a doctor, he might shoot someone). Deaton is speaking Japanese even though none of the Japanese dudes are speaking Japanese. But he’s here for the wolf, so maybe the wolf speaks Japanese?

Balconydude: Have you worked with wolves before?

Deaton: Bitch please!

But has Deaton worked with REAL wolves before?

The wolf’s name is Yuki – Deaton does some stuff that looks like examining and asks if Yuki has been eating any usual plants. Perhaps something that looks like moss. (NGL he could have at least pretended he didn’t already know what was up – balconydude is an idiot and deserves everything he gets).

Deaton: It would be bright green. Almost neon. It’s called lichen and it’s highly toxic. I need to know if Yuki’s consumed it.

Awkward.

These dudes have THE WORST poker faces every because it’s clear they know exactly what Deaton is talking about but they DO NOT walk to talk about it. But Deaton is not going to accept that, he needs a sample for medical reasons. Balconydude tries to send one of his henchdudes to get the sample but they all just awkwardly avoid eye contact. If you want something done you have to do it yourself – balconydude leads Deaton away from his superstitious henchdudes and towards the garden.

This dude is an idiot. 

The garden that holds the bright green moss is behind some doors and it seems oddly familiar. Actually the familiarity is not that odd, it’s the same garden that young Chris Argent saw the Oni kill a nogitsune in. The nogitsune bled all over the fountain for reasons other than gore – it created the moss. Deaton’s like hold this jar and balconydude does it because he hasn’t worked out that Deaton is not to be trusted yet.

Balconydude: You really think Yuki got in here and ate this stuff?

Deaton: Actually I think Yuki probably doesn’t come anywhere near here. I doubt if you could even drag him in. Some part of him probably senses what happened here to your father and the nogitsune possessing him.

That is not very nice. 

Well the cats out of the bag now so the trigger happy balconydude pulls his gun on Deaton but Deaton is not worried because he has some important exposition to get out: This particular lichen is called letharia vulpina, wolf lichen. They used it to poison wolves and foxes. They’d put out pieces of meat with crushed glass and bits of lichen in it. The glass would perforate the intestines so the poison could spread faster.

Balconydude is suffering the same fate as most people that go to Deaton for help: extreme frustration because all he does is give you a whole bunch of information that is irrelevant to the problem you are trying to solve. In this instance, balcony guy just wants to know what’s wrong with his wolf.

Balconydude: What did you do to my wolf?

Deaton: Well I didn’t poison him with lichen… but I did give him paralytic agent. The same one I put on that jar.   

Dammit Jackson. 

Damn son, you’ve been Deaton’d. It’s a thing. Also shout out to Jackson for turning into a homicidal lizard and apparently gift Deaton with some Kanima venom. Balconydude is down – here have some more irrelevant information (I mean it’s irrelevant to balconydude, it’s actually relevant to us).

Deaton: Born out of the blood of a nogitsune, this lichen is quite special.  More powerful than you know.

What’s are you going to use that power for Deaton: be as succinct and poetic as possible please?

Deaton: There’s a fox hiding inside a teenage boy and I’m going to poison it.

Nogitsune will be defeated by lettuce. 

Very smooth Deaton… time for some Opening Credits.

Back at Beacon Hills Memorial that explosion is still happening and Kira is still about to be hit with a live wire, or she would be if she wasn’t quick like a fox. She jumps out of the way, but the ambulance is not so lucky. It crashes into a fire hydrant causing water to spill out onto the road. Water and electricity, that’s not a good mix.

Baby you're a firework. 

The ambulance driver jumps out of the ambulance and is electrocuted the moment his feet touch the water. Well that’s one down. Kira is screaming at everyone to get out of the way but Allison seems to think she means please walk towards the electrified water. But hey it gives Isaac a chance to play the hero for once by pushing Allison out of the way and getting himself electrocuted. Because that’s what hero’s do, get themselves killed. Don’t be a hero guys. 

Fangirls dream come true!

A girl in a car figures she’s missing out on all the fun so she gets out of her car and gets electrocuted. Well done die-on-teen wolf winner, you’re character gives idiots a bad name. Another car drives into the electrified water but Kira’s like nope, two deaths is enough for this for now so she does some impressed and unnecessary acrobatics (she clearly learnt a lot in one day with Derek).

Sings more Katy Perry... I need a new song about fireworks. 

Kira uses her kickass kitsune powers to grab the live wire and absorb the electricity. It’s pretty impressive. I’m sure the crowd of people that are watching this happen are really impressed. Scott and Derek seem impressed, and no one seems worried about the fact that a whole bunch of people just witness Kira do something impossible. You know what, I’m just going to assume that Beacon Hills is like Sunnydale, everyone knows the supernatural stuff is going down they just don’t talk about it.

*Raleigh Beckett eyes*

Kira’s eyes glow, Scott (and probably Derek) are aroused. But it’s awkward because he mom is watching so there will be no threesomes happening right now… maybe later. Probably later.

I feel all of Derek's pain. It is not fun. I would not recommend stanning Derek Hale. 

Derek’s is quickly knocked from his Scott/Kira threesome fantasies when he notices Isaac’s limp body. He rushes towards his last surviving Beta and screams for Scott because Isaac’s not breathing. It’s only the start of the episode and I have been overwhelmed by pack feels.

Scott is lying on his bed, remembering what happened.

When I asked for mother/daughter bonding this was not what I meant.

Flashback: Kira’s mom confronts her – she saw what Kira did and now is not the time for any body else to see.

Scott is still looking upset.

Flashback: Deputy pretty eyes tells the Sheriff that someone saw Stiles leave in his Jeff.

Flashback: Agent Asshole uses his superior detective skills to figure out that the electrical cable was cut – meaning sabotage!

*smack*

Scott’s butt. It’s a nice butt.

Derek: (VO) You have to tell Stilinski, you have to tell him what’s really wrong with Stiles.

Scott is heading to school because education is still important even when your best friend is being possessed by a Japanese fox demon. Melissa is sitting at the table looking about as exhausted as I feel. Scott ask her if there’s any news, but I think he knows the answer. If there was news he would have heard.

FAMILY! 

Melissa: They’re still looking for him. It’s past the 48hr mark but I guess if anyone’s gonna be missing for two days and turn up just fine, it’s Stiles.

Her voice cracks as she talks and it hurts my soul. Scott decides to change the subject to something slightly less depressing, like Isaac. Who is still in hospital and from the way Melissa sounds when she suggests they visit him before school, he’s not doing well.

That's not Stiles.

Speaking of people that are not doing well. Sheriff Stilinski is starring at his phone. There’s a message from Stiles that reads: Am ok. Please don’t look for me. Be back soon. It’s not particularly reassuring and the Sheriff is not particularly reassured.

Deputy pretty eyes is interested in the Sheriff's package.

His worryfest is interrupted by deputy pretty eyes who has a package for the Sheriff. It’s just some batteries because of all the kitsune-induced blackouts they’re having. The Sheriff signs for the package and they are paying way too much attention to it. It has to be something significant. I’m hoping it’s someone’s head but that would be too cool for Teen Wolf.

This guy again. 

Just when you think things couldn’t get any worse, Agent Asshole enters like he owns the place. He’s all, I know you’re upset about your missing son but do you know anything about the Japanese mafia? Specifically a guy called Katashi. Poor Agent Asshole, he’s so out of the loop. I’d feel bad but he still left Scott and Melissa so I don’t care about him at all. Asshole.

Melissa and Scott arrive at the hospital to find Allison sleeping on the chairs outside Isaac’s room. They won’t let her in because she’s family, which is like super sad.

Sleepy Allison.

Allison: I told them he doesn’t have any.

Melissa: He’s got us.

More Family.

More pack feels, this show is about found family and when it acknowledges that it makes my heart soar into space. Also they seem to be forgetting that Melissa basically runs this hospital. She is the only person that works there after all. Of course she has a key to Isaac’s room.

They should have bought some flowers or something. This room is really depressing.

Isaac is unconscious on a bed in the middle of the room. Melissa tells the visibly upset Scott and Allison that they have to be quick. Probably because of school, it’s not like anyone is going to interrupt them considering Melissa is the only person that works there.

Friends or lovers?

Scott slowly makes his way towards Isaac, Allison grabs his hand. It’s a little awkward but it’s okay because they both care about each other and they both care about Isaac. Not putting these three in a polyamorous relationship is the biggest mistake Teen Wolf has ever made. It would have been beautiful.  

Allison thought Isaac’s wounds would have healed, and so did Scott but you know this werewolf healing thing only works when it’s relevant to the plot. Right now Isaac needs to be dying because of reasons. Isaac is in pain so Scott does his black line pain sucky thing – it looks like it hurts a lot but Isaac looks a little better so Scott probably thinks it was worth it.

For the record Scott, I like Isaac but I like you more. Look after yourself okay.

I'm not saying they're in a ployamorous relationship, but I'm not saying they're not either.

Allison: Did Stiles really do this?

Scott: The thing controlling him did it. Whatever’s inside him.

Allison: Well then how do we get whatever’s inside of him the hell out?

That is the million-dollar question. I just love how this exchange shows the difference between Scott and Allison. Scott refuses to see Stiles as the nogitsune but Allison knows she might have to. Because if she has to kill Stiles to destroy the nogitsune, I have no doubt that she would do it.

From one powerful lady to another, at school Kira fills Scott in about all things kitsune.

Kira's trying to convince Scott she's dangerous again, but he's not buying it.

Kira: The thing is, in all the stories kitsune are tricksters. They’re mischievous. They don’t really get caught up in right or wrong or even understanding.

Scott: What’s that mean? It’s just doing this for the hell of it?

Kira: No there was something else I found. If you somehow offend a nogitsune it can react pretty badly.

Kira keeps saying that kitsune are tricksters and they shouldn’t be trusted but everyone seems to trust her. TBH it’s probably just an oversight, but imagine if it wasn’t. Not that Kira is evil, just that’s she’s not good. That’s an interesting character (coyotes are also tricksters so maybe Malia will fill this role.

Also Scott should probably watch out because if he breaks Kira’s heart, it’s probably not going to go down well.

Scott: How do you offend a nogitsune?

Kira: I don’t know. But if it’s doing something this bad then someone really really offended it.

Speaking of offensive people – Coach Cupcake is giving another speech in my favorite place in Beacon Hills. The boy’s locker room. If anyone sees Stiles they should find an adult or something Also…

Coach Cupcake could offend anyone.

Coach Cupcake: There’s a card on my desk for Isaac Lahey and every one of you losers is not going to sign it, you’re going to write a personal message so profound and deep it’s gonna bring a tear to coaches eye.

Danny volunteers to go first and Coach tells him to keep it PG. Clearly Coach doesn’t know Isaac at all because he’s the thirstiest kid in Beacon Hills. If Danny really wants to make him feel better he should be as dirty as he can possibly be. Something tells me that Danny can be pretty dirty. (This one’s for you Manilahey shippers).

Why are those guys still here?

Also, Scott is talking to those two guys that keep following him around. He’s just saying that things are too quiet when he hears something that sounds like one of Argent’s sonic emitters. They follow the sound into the basement without even considering that it’s a trap. Luckily it’s not. I don’t think. Stiles is standing alone in the basement holding one of the emitters. The smile on his face suggests that all is not as it seems, but everyone’s just so excited to see Stiles that we don’t even care if he’s evil.

Don't shoot, he's probably not evil.

Stiles: Okay, I know what you guys are thinking but it’s me. I swear to god it’s me.

To be fair Stiles, that is exactly what the nogitsune would say and you’re not exactly offering any proof so I guess I should probably forgive those two guys for attacking. But I don’t care about them and I care about Stiles so, yeah. Fuck those assholes. Scott is having none of it either, he uses his Alpha roar to make them back off. It’s hot. Stiles definitely thinks it’s hot. (Is anyone else craving Skittles?)

Evil or not Stiles is definitely into that.

Stiles doesn’t know where he’s been or what he’s been doing but he’s definitely himself now although he still doesn’t offer any proof. Scott, I know you want it to be Stiles but you should probably check or something maybe? Stiles knows what happened at the hospital because he found a bag full of the nogitsune’s tricks, which included blueprints for the hospital along with a whole bunch of other fun and potentially violent items. It’s all part of something worse.

They really should have kept those security cameras Gerard installed.

Lydia is strutting through the Beacon Hills high school halls like she owns the place, because she does, when she spots something unnerving. Her mother is talking to someone who should have been banned from school ground already. Seriously how do these people keep getting into the building without anyone noticing? Lydia rushes towards her mother but by the time she reaches her, Peter is nowhere to be seen.

DO NOT DATE PETER!

Mrs Martin (or whatever she wants to be called since her divorce, damn all these people without names) tells Lydia that Peter was from the health department and he was talking about hearing tests. Being a genius, Lydia picks up on the subtext pretty quickly – it was pretty obvious but then it’s Peter, he’s not really known for his subtly. Lydia needs help with her supernatural hearing and Peter is offering to help. Also he gave her mother his card.

Lydia: Mom, this is a piece of paper with a phone number on it.

Mama Martin: I know. Still got it.

She's thinking about having to call Peter daddy.

Mama Martin walks off with a spring in her step but she leaves Peter’s phone number with Lydia so we don’t have to worry about that. She can do so much better. Also Peter being Lydia’s stepfather is beyond creepy. I feel nasty just thinking about it.

Stiles has some suspiciously convenient information for everyone.

Meanwhile Stiles, Scott and those other two guys try to work out what the nogitsune has planned. There’s a map… of the cross country track, which just happens to run through the Tate farm where Mr Tate left all those traps lying around waiting for kids to step in. WHY DO PEOPLE SEND THEIR KIDS TO THIS SCHOOL????????

There can be only one!

Guess what? It just happens to be cross-country time, and everyone’s favorite goalie just happens to be there. Kira is also there and she uses her super kitsune speed to take over Danny because there can be only one secondary POC on this show.

Side Note: Kira has really not grasped this whole secret identity thing. She’s not even trying to hide her powers. I would judge her but then I remember Scott’s magic lacrosse skills and yup all teenagers are idiots.

Walk, walk fashion baby.

The door to the elevator opens and Chris steps out like he’s on a runway. He’s had to up his hot dad game since Agent Asshole arrive back in town. His hunter senses are tingling because the door to his apartment is open. There’s no way that Chris Argent forgot to lock up. It’s a good thing he carries a gun with him at all times… damn I would watch a whole show that was just Chris Argent fondling guns.

Sexual. Hmmmm.

He’s in hunter mode as he walks through the hallway, then he sees one of his sonic emitters sticking out of his desk and that’s when he decides to lower his weapon. Because being faced with irrefutable proof that someone has been in your house makes everyone feel that little bit more at ease.

SURPRISE DEREK!

Am I into this?

They fight, and it’s as hot as I imagined it would be. They reach a stalemate when Chris pulls a gun out his ass and Derek has his claws around Chris’s neck. Chris is like why are you in my apartment and Derek’s like because you were in my loft. It takes them a moment but they eventually work out that they’ve been played. Shadow!Stiles left one of Chris’s emitters in Derek’s loft so that Derek would confront Chris. They reluctantly lower their weapons.

Yup I'm into this.

Chris: I spent the entirety of the last 2 days trying to find Stiles.

Derek: Any luck?

Chris: No.

Derek: Me either.

Aww, you both suck and should not be allowed to make decisions on your own. Go ask Scott and Allison what you should do, but also maybe hang out, talk about manly things like beer and sports or something. But don’t do anything until Scott or Allison get there!

Derek searching for Stiles... again.

Derek: Okay, we’re both trying to find Stiles. Mind if I ask what you plan on doing if you find him?

Chris: Well that depends on which Stiles I find.

Derek’s like same, if it’s the real Stiles he’s going to say something sarcastic and pretend he wasn’t even looking for him anyway. If it’s the nogitsune he’s going to ask him on a date.

Poor Coach must be almost as confused as Danny.

Scott, Stiles and other guys arrive at the beginning of the cross-country track. Poor Coach Cupcake is very confused, he thought Stiles was missing, also why did they have to drive to the cross-country track? There is no time for Coach’s confusion because people are in danger dammit!

Back at the Argent apartment, Chris opens a cupboard – maybe it’s the one where he kept the emitters. I don’t know. For some reason, he thinks this is cupboard that Stiles tampered with and he’s right.

Stiles left them a present, how nice. 

There’s a case inside and Derek’s like hey, a fox demon left this here I should probably touch it luckily Chris stops him. Chris then opens the case himself because he’s just as stupid as Derek is but he’d older so he gets first dibs on potentially lethal situations. It’s not a bomb, it’s the opposite of the bomb. It’s money. Yay.

Derek: How much do you think that is?

Chris: A hundred and fifty thousand, but it doesn’t make sense. We never took the money.

It’s the money that Katashi was going to pay Chris for the pistol that was actually a distraction so that they could get information about the nogitsune. Why would they have Katashi’s money.

This what I imagine DILF porn would begin.

ENTER: Agent Asshole. He’s all, funny you should ask about the money because Katashi is dead and you killed him probably. No definitely. Yup, Derek’s under arrest for murder again, is anyone else getting a little bit weepy because of nostalgia.

Meanwhile in the cross country death run Danny is running as fast as his little human legs can carry him until he’s knocked down by Ethan. Danny tries to ask what’s up and Ethan distracts him in the best way possible: makeouts. It’s a pretty effective method of distraction.

Still think you can do better Danny.

Kira is running as fast as her little kitsune legs can carry her, which is pretty damn fast.  Scott doesn’t knock Kira down because he’s not a totally asshole and he actually has some control. He careful catches Kira, spinning her to a stop and setting her down. Take note Ethan, that’s how you sweep someone off their feet.

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Kira: Oh my god. Did you see how fast I was running?

Scott: I felt it.

Stiles no.

There is no time for feelings, they have to stop the others – Stiles is yelling for Scott so this little romantic interlude is over. It’s back to the action. Stiles rushes over and tells everyone to stop, slowing pulling a metal chain off the ground. He’s expecting it to lead somewhere, but it just ends and Coach is not impressed. Coach Cupcake steps forward to taunt Stiles and he gets an arrow in the chest.

Everyone in this screencap is brilliant.

Coach Cupcake: Oh crap.

Lydia and Allison arrive at Derek’s loft – everyone look alive, Lydia called Allison as her bodyguard back up. She could have called any of the men but she called Allison because Allison is the best. This is everything. The end.

Lady time.

Allison: While it’s smart to bring me with you I still think the rest of this is totally insane.

What she said. Lydia’s feeling a little hopeless on account of she led everyone on a wild goose chase to a mental asylum (she hasn’t worked out that she was right, sort of). The point is she wasn’t any help and she wants to be helpful. She’s woman enough to admit when she needs help and Peter is the only one offering.

Allison: Peter doesn’t offer help, he offers a chance for you to be manipulated into giving him what he wants. 

What she said… again. Lydia understand this, they’re here to find out what Peter wants.

I want still want him to die painfully, but I like him.

They open the door to the loft revealing Peter – who turns around dramatically, like he’s playing out his own little bond villain fantasy, and says: “The hunter and the banshee”. Zoom of doom, and yeah I think Lydia is regretting his idea already and she would be right. Peter is bad news and a total drama queen that doesn’t deserve Lydia’s presence.

Hilarious GORE!

Coach is lying on the ground screaming in pain, judging my the music we are supposed to think this is hilarious… and it kind of is. Stiles tries to convince him he’s not going to die and Scott forces everyone to take a step back so that he can use his super awesome wolf powers to suck some pain.

This is not funny anymore.

Then Stiles is looking at the blood on his hands and it’s not really very funny anymore.

Stiles: I could have killed him, what if it was his head or his throat?

Scott: But it wasn’t and he’s gonna be all right.

Actually you both raise and interesting point that you are completely ignoring. The nogitsune could have killed Coach Cupcake, easily. But he didn’t. Which begs the question – why? We can talk about that later though because the ambulance is there and so it Stiles dad.

They both wear handcuffs so well. 

Derek and Chris are still handcuffed in the Sheriff station with no one to talk to but each other. It’s awkward on account of that one time Chris’s sister burnt Derek’s family alive… and then Derek accidently bit Chris’s wife so she killed herself. So yeah, there are some issues there. They stick to the only thing they can actually agree on: Stiles.

Chris: So, I don’t suppose you have any idea why Stiles would frame us for murder?

Derek: I didn’t think Stiles was smart enough to frame us for murder.

Are you serious Derek? He has literally framed you for murder twice before. That was like a major plot point in Season 1. You are fooling no one, so I will ignore you and continue to bask in the joy that is Derek spending almost all of his screen time talking/thinking/looking for Stiles.

Chris: To be honest I’m not entirely convinces that’s why we’re here.

Derek is confused because he just figured this happened because his life sucks, he didn’t even consider that there might have been a bigger plan. Chris ignores Derek’s obvious self-loathing and tells him to say that he has agreed to let Chris’s lawyer represent him. Derek can’t quite work it out but he’s pretty sure this is a trap.

Feelings.

Derek: Why should I trust your attorney?

Chris roles his eyes so hard it dislodges his contacts. He’s not actually calling a lawyer, he just wants to buy more time so he can figure why they are really there. Derek is still confused. Probably because this is the longest conversation he’s had with anyone in like 10 years.

There’s a stalemate at the loft because Peter doesn’t want Allison there, but there’s not chance that Allison is leaving Lydia alone with Peter.

Allison is so proud.

Lydia: The last time I was alone with you I almost bled out of the lacrosse field. She stays.  

Peter tries to defend himself, and the more he talks the more I want to hit him because what? Apparently he didn’t want to kill her, and she didn’t die so it’s totally fine. Also the bite is what brought out her abilities so really she should be thanking him.

Actual Disney villain Peter Hale.

Peter: I’m the spark that lit your fire sweetheart.

One: Peter has been watching too many Disney movies because he’s talking like a fairytale villain.

Two: Is the fandom going to turn Peter into some kind of special magic creature because he called himself the spark?

Three: I’ll be the spark that lights the fire that burns Peter to the ground… again.

Allison: You attacked her and nearly killed her.

Peter: Power doesn’t come without a little pain and strife.

Lydia: I didn’t ask for it.

Nope she didn’t and the fact that she is choosing to make the best of a bad situation does not make what Peter did any better. That victim-blaming bastard needs to die a slow and painful death. I would watch a whole season of that.

Allison: How about the fact that you brainwashed her and used her to bring yourself back to life?

Peter: So that I could be here today to help you master your abilities. Isn’t it amazing how things come full circle?

Do you think he actually believes himself sometimes? Because I think he does. I mean he’s clearly got no morals but occasionally he just seems to genuinely believe the shit he says. Like he really thinks that Lydia should be thankful for what he did. It makes him a super intriguing character, that I still hope dies a slow and painful death by Lydia’s hand.

"Let's go baby"

Allison’s 100% done with Peter’s crap so she grabs Lydia’s hand because they are out. She’s not listening to anymore of this vocal masturbation. If Peter isn’t going to help then she isn’t going to listen. Lydia’s pretty much willing to follow Allison’s lead but Peter teases her with knowledge and she can’t resist. It’s not the scream that gives her the power, all the scream does is drown out the noise. Peter can help her focus her hearing.

Just say no Lydia.

Allison: But you want something in return?

Peter: No I’m dedicating my life to helping out narcissistic teenage girls.

Not going to lie, he should be. But anyway, he pulls out the jar Derek went to all that trouble to find and pours Talia’s claws onto the table.

Stilsinki feels.

Back to the nogitsune chase – Coach Cupcake is being taken away in an ambulance, Stiles is sharing a moment with his dad (don’t look at me) and Scott’s is trying to figure out what the nogitsune has planned next.

STILINSKI FEEELS

There’s wrapping paper in the back of Stiles jeep. The same wrapping paper that Stiles used for the prank on Coach, which was apparently subconsciously based on William Barrow’s shrapnel bomb. The bomb that went off on a school bus. That’s not good.

Scott feels (background Stilinski feels)

Mr Yukimura runs through the Beacon Hills high school ground. He’s heading towards the buses, where students are rushing off the buses in a panic. Instead of staying clear of the potential explosive device, Mr Yukimura decides to board the bus because that seems like it would be the correct protocol in a situation like this. He cautiously climbs onto the bus, there is only one student left.

Damnit Jared!

Jared: They told me not to move.

It’s Jared – famous for vomiting on the bus to the cross-country meet because Stiles smiled at him. Poor Jared is looking even worse than he did the last time we saw him and that’s probably because sitting in his lap is a wrapped box. He didn’t know what it was when he picked it up and obviously he didn’t know that if you see an unattended item you’re supposed to report it not pick it up.

Poor Allison is so concerned by this.

At Derek’s loft – which has become a local meeting place, I’m sure Derek’s super happy about that – Allison is looking at Mama Hale’s claws with confusion and disgust.

Allison: These are the claws of Derek’s mother?

Peter adds that she was also his sister but that doesn’t really make it any less creepy to have a dead family members fingernails. Anyway before she died, Talia took a memory from Peter and he wants it back. IDK, Talia seemed like an intelligent lady, if she took Peter’s memory I’m sure it was for a good reason. I definitely don’t think it’s a good idea for him to get it back.

Lydia: Why would your sister want to steal a memory from you?

Peter: Well if I remembered the memory I might be able to tell you.

No one is buying that for a minute, but she does need his help and Lydia seems a little bit intrigued by the challenge.

The police have arrived at the school, including the Sheriff and deputy pretty eyes and are currently making sure the students are at least 5 feet away from the potential explosive device. There’s some running and panicking but mostly people are standing around watching the show. Because that’s what people do.

I don't think that like 2 metres is a safe distance. But what do I know.

Deputy pretty eyes wants to get in on the action but the Sheriff thinks he should probably wait for the professionals. Whatever, pretty eyes has seen a couple of youtube tutorials and spent some time in the army so he’s totally qualified to defuse a bomb. I think he just really wants to impress the Sheriff. Pretty eyes is almost as thirsty as Isaac. They should probably help each other out before they both die.

Okay, so turns out Peter’s not really very helpful because his idea of teaching Lydia to hone her hearing seems to be just yelling at her and getting increasingly frustrated. He says focus, she says she’s trying, he yells some more. Why did they go to him for help again?

How is this helping Peter?

Peter: Your hearing is attuned to a level of the universe no one else can hear but only if you’re listening.

Then Peter makes this mistake of getting a little aggressive, and Allison is not going to him get anywhere near Lydia. She cuts off his path with a cattle prod Taser. Peter’s claws come out and they are both just waiting for a chance to attack but neither wants to make the first move.

DO IT!

Peter: Your Aunt had one of those. Aunty Kate.

Low blow Peter, but Allison is not taking the bait because she is better than Peter in every way. Also this exchange is possibly my favorite thing this show has ever done.

DO IT ALLISON!

Peter: Didn’t do her much good as I ripped her throat out did it?

Allison: She didn’t shove it up your…

Lydia: STOP!

Magics!

Lydia tosses the claws across the room and they embed themselves in wooden pillar. There are voices, whispers, that only Lydia can hear. She moves towards the claws slowly as Allison and Peter watch on confused. Allison is patient but Peter soon starts screaming for answers, he REALLY wants to know what Talia took from him. Lydia takes a leaf out of Peter’s book of using amateur dramatics in tense situations and turns around slowly.

"I've made a huge mistake"

Lydia: You’re not just an uncle.

"I've made a huge tiny mistake"

Full disclosure there was one very confusing minute in which I was sure that Peter was actually Derek’s father as result of some incest affair with Talia. I don’t think I was the only one. But after my initial shock I figured out that Peter got some poor unrelated lady knocked up. I don’t even know what to say about this storyline it’s so soap opera that I don’t really know how to react. I definitely need something to distract me from the idea of Daddy!Peter.

How about a close up of Derek in handcuffs? Yup that’ll do nicely. This is important information to have, for recreational purposes.

I will carry this image with me through the dark.

Derek: I could easily get out of these you know.

Of course you could, you have super strength. If you couldn’t get out of a pair on handcuffs I would be concerned. Also Derek, pretty much every character on TV can get out of handcuffs.

He looks like he's giving Derek a parental lecture. 

Chris: So could I, but I’m not interested in being a fugitive from the law.

Derek: Well I’m not interest in being a victim to a seventeen year old possessed by a psychotic fox.

Stiles is seventeen now for anyone that is interested? But maybe Derek is talking in wolf years. IDK if the writers don’t want to invest in a calendar then I’m just going to ignore any and all references to age/dates. It’s a self-perseveration thing. I cannot deal with the stress that the Teen Wolf timeline causes me.

Chris asks Derek for just a few more minutes, but let’s all be real. Derek isn’t busting out of those handcuffs because his bad boy persona is just a front. He’s a good boy at heart and now that he’s had a chat with his mom and joined team Scott, he’s going to do what he’s told.

Derek: Fine, if something happens don’t expect me to risk my life trying to save yours.

Well that’s jinxed it. You know the moment someone says that they are going to do the exact opposite before the episode is over.

Snoopy the fox.

Mr Yukimura enters is classroom and is told to close the door behind him because this is a secret meeting. He neglects to check if anyone is watching him suspiciously close the door to his classroom so he’s obviously not very good at this secret meeting thing. Kira is totally gonna be watching the whole thing.

Inside the classroom he pulls a book of the shelf and takes it to his wife, who is concerned that he hid something in plain sight. There’s something in the book.

Mr Yukimura: How many high school students do you know that would willingly open a book?

Questioning her life choices. 

I resent that, I willingly opened many books when I was in high school. They just weren’t the ones the teachers wanted me to. I totally would have opened that one book that no one ever opened because I am way to curious for my own good. Plus I’ve seen enough movies to know that that’s where they keep the drugs.

Mr Yukimura asks Mrs Yukimura (I don’t know their first names yet and it is very annoying) if she has talked to Kira yet but of course she hasn’t because if she had Kira wouldn’t be standing outside the door listening to this conversation. They open the fake history book to reveal about nine knife-like sticks.

Mr Yukimura: You’ve already sacrificed five, three of the Oni are gone, how many more tails are you willing to sacrifice?

Mrs Yukimura: If I have to? All of them.

Oh they’re the physically manifestations of her kitsune tails and that’s how she’s been summoning the Oni. She pulls out two more tails as Mr Yukimura looks on like Damien from Mean Girls when Cady snapped that tiara. (He wants to be the kitsune, he has kitsune dreams).

Not the foxtails.

Mrs Yukimura: These Oni will be stronger. Much stronger.

Meanwhile, deputy pretty eyes makes his way towards Jared who is really not doing very well but has managed to not throw up so deserves some prop. Let’s face it though, Stiles smile was much scarier than the possibility of being blown up.

I love you.

Deputy Parrish: It would be very helpful if you could resist throwing up on the potential explosive device.

Jared thinks he can manage that, and god damn it. I don’t want to fall for deputy pretty eyes because I resent replacing a WOC with ANOTHER generic white boy but he is making it really hard. My convictions are not that strong and you know I am a slave to my hormones.

*heart eyes*

Jared: You look really…

Deputy Parrish: Handsome, thank you. For a second there I thought you were going to say I look really young and I was gonna have to launch into my explanation about how I’m actually 24 and that anyone can look young if they eat right and exercise, although it’s probably just good genes anyway right?

Deputise me!

Those are some incredible genes. Like really spectacular. Well done deputy pretty eyes parents. You baked a good one. Not so sure about his technical skills though because his idea of defusing a bomb seems to be cutting it open with scissors. Luckily it’s not a bomb because if it was poor beautiful, but simple, deputy pretty eyes would be deputy mush.

Why does everyone keep falling into the tricksters traps?

Outside the bus Scott and Stiles are watching as deputy pretty eyes shows the Sheriff what was inside the box. It’s one of those like desk name thingys, I know it has a name but I just asked like 5 people in my house and none of them knew so I’m just going to stick with desk name thingy. I could Google it but that is more effort that I am willing to exert for something that is just there so the Sheriff can figure out that there is a bomb, it’s just not on the bus. It’s at the Sheriff station.

Derek isn't even bothered by this emergency.

The very station where Chris and Derek are sitting uncomfortably close together because handcuffs. (Yet again I am left wondering if this is an actual television show or just a series of fan fiction prompts – not that I am complaining, because I will read ANY fic that involves Chris or Derek in handcuffs). The station is in a panic, because apparently the SHERRIF STATTION does not have a practiced emergency evacuation plan. I have an emergency evacuation plan for my home. I love Sheriff Stilinski but maybe Agent Asshole has a point with this whole impeachment thing.

BOOM!

The whole place is in a panic and everyone is running around like headless chicken while Derek and Chris watch confused. A deputy makes a halfhearted attempt to unlock Chris’s handcuffs before running off so Derek his wolf powers to find the cause of the commotion. He hears the bomb with just enough time to scream “get down” and then throw himself over Chris’s body.

Yukimura date night.

Mr and Mrs Yukimura watch the sun set together – it’s kind of romantic except they are waiting for the Japanese firefly demons that are going to try to kill Stiles. So not really very romantic at all really.

Back at the Sheriff Station things have looked better. I mean it looks like a bomb has hit… oh wait it did. The Sheriff is there shouting about multiple officers being down, which is bad because they can not afford to lose anymore deputies. Stiles and Scott are also there even though it’s not really an appropriate place for teenagers.

Falling in love montage.

Chris rushed to help Derek because live saving is kind of a bonding experience (*cough* Sterek *cough*) and Derek is severely injured again because that’s what happens on Mondays. His back is literally covered with glass but he insists he’s okay. I guess it’s really not the worst thing that’s happened to him.

Chris: You saved my life. *heart eyes*

Actual hero Scott McCall

Stiles finds a deputy on the floor that is on the brink of death and he begs Scott to do something to make it easier. Scott does, but the look on Stiles face seems to say that there is something more going on. But let’s face it Scott would have tried to help even if it was a trap, that’s what heroes do.

I'm not crying, you're crying.

Scott is still connected to the deputy when he passes away and the look on Scott’s face is one of the most heartbreaking things in the world. Seriously, props to Posey because I felt that in my gut. The Sheriff finally realizes that there are kids being traumatized so he tells Scott and Stiles to get out of there.

Kira grabs them on their way out – she tells them that her mother has called more Oni and they are going to come after Stiles. They need to take him somewhere safe. They have to protect him.

MISANDRY! 

At Derek’s loft Peter is stalking towards Lydia begging for answers, Allison thinks that is unacceptable so she uses her hunter cattle prod to electrocute him. It is as beautiful as I always imagined it would be. Allison steps over his incapacitated body, takes Lydia’s hand and walks out because no one threatens her girl. I just love everything about this so much that I can’t even form coherent thoughts.

Dad of the year.

Peter screams Lydia’s name dramatically because he’s Peter. (And this is why Talia didn’t want you anywhere near your child Peter).

Threesome?

In the car, Scott, Stiles and Kira decide to head to the animal clinic because they don’t have any better ideas. I’m a little confused because I thought the mountain ash needed someone to spark it. I don’t think Stiles can do that now that he’s playing host to a magic fox.

Lydia and Allison are in the car after a quickie, they’re looking up something up on their phones.

Seriously Peter that v-neck is inappropriate.

It’s a picture of Malia Tate – the werecoyote – and a very smoldering picture of Peter. They got the picture of Malia from a news report but I have no idea where they got the picture of Peter. I like to assume that he just randomly sends the pack professional headshots all the time.

Anyway turns out Malia is Peter’s daughter, I don’t even know what to say about that because how does a werewolf spawn a coyote? I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work like that. Whatever this whole storyline is just beyond me at the moment. I don’t have time to make sense of this soap opera bullshit – Stiles is dying!

Heroics.

When they reach the animal clinic it’s raining because fight scenes are much more dramatic when water is involved (my apologies to the crew – those damn creative types). They head for the doors but they Oni turn up so Scott has to be a hero and Kira doesn’t want to be left out – because girls can hero just as well as boys. They fight, Scott holds his own but Kira is phenomenal. Girls got skills.

Better heroics.

Scott is so impressed by Kira’s skills that he forgets that he’s actually fighting his own battle and gets stabbed. Kira’s got his back though, she kicks the Oni out of the way and pulls Scott into the relative safety of the Animal clinic.

Ouch. That's got to sting.

Scott still has a sword through his middle so Kira decides they should probably deal with that first, but when she places her hand on the sword handle someone stops her. It’s Stiles, except it’s not Stiles. It hasn’t been Stiles this whole time. Not!Stiles knocks Kira to the ground and Scott looks on shocked and heartbroken. Poor Scott, he so desperately wanted his best friend to be okay.

Fuck everything!

Not!Stiles fingers in handle of the sword in a way that makes a whole world of fangirls very confused (we’re not supposed to be aroused right now damnit). But seriously, I’m only joking because everything about this scene is so traumatizing. The way Not!Stiles says “okay” before he starts to twist the sword inside Scott. The look on Scott’s face as he realizes that his best friend might be lost forever.

Not!Stiles: You really should have done your reading Scott. See nogitsune feeds off chaos, strife and pain.

Anyone craving Dark Skittles?

Pain like Scott took from Isaac, and Coach, and that deputy that died in his arms. Now the nogitsune wants that pain – essentially Scott is his packed lunch. Not!Stiles grabs Scott around the neck and starts to draw the pain out of Scott. The experience is obviously pretty enjoyable because we now know what Dylan’s orgasm face looks like.

Not!Stiles: You really have to learn not to trust a fox. They’ll fool you, they’ll fool everyone.

Deaton: Not everyone.

Surprise bitch!

Well almost because surprise – Deaton is back and he brought poison for everyone that’s currently being possessed by a demon fox. I’m not a fan of Deaton’s cryptic bullshit but that was pretty badass, especially because Stiles is unharmed… I think. He said he was unharmed so I’m going to believe him. For now.

Oh Scott. 

He injects Not!Stiles with the poison he went all the way to Japan to get and Stiles falls to the ground. Scott’s first thought is off his friend even though he still has a sword through his middle. That’s friendship.

You did good.

Deaton: The fox is poisoned by it’s not dead… Not yet.

To be continued…