Friday, January 6, 2017

Weekend Recs: The Channing Tatum List

He’s hot, he’s hilarious and he’s here to fulfil every single one of my teenage fantasies. Seriously, it’s like he got a copy of the diary I had at fourteen and he’s picking his roles based on every fantasy boyfriend I ever had. Basically he’s amazing, and there’s no better way to star the year off right than marathoning some of his best roles. 

She’s the Man (2006) 

Shakespeare re-imagined as teen movies is my second favourite kind of Shakespeare and this 2006 version of Twelfth Night is right up there with 10 Things I Hate About You. In this flick we find a very young Mr Tatum playing the soft jock version of Duke Orsino. He spends like 85% of this movie shirtless and it’s top. As a warning this movie doesn’t deal particularly well with the nuances of gender or sexuality what with the crossdressing and gay panic. That a totally understandable reason to skip this flick. 

Step Up (2006) 

Don’t you just love it when a poor boy from the wrong side of the tracks is saved by the power of dance? Because I do. I really do. Poor Channing has fallen in with the wrong crowd, until he stumbles upon a ballet studio and falls in love with his future wife Jenna Dewan. I do not remember  what their characters were called but to be perfectly honest it doesn’t really matter. They dance and fall in love and that’s all you want from a very cliche, and slightly racist dance movie from the mid naughties. 

The Eagle (2011) 

If you’ve ever watched something and thought ‘this is the gayest thing ever’ then you were wrong unless you were talking about The Eagle (2011). This is not what you would call a good movie, it’s not the worst either. But Channing Tatum is a Roman centurion with a slave played by Jamie Bell, they love each other probably. Seriously this like a Roman slave AU with swords and dirty and boys falling in love (but not really because it’s just battle stuff and all that whatever I don’t understand either). 

21 Jump Street (2012) 

Did you know that Channing Tatum has excelling comic timing? Because I feel like that’s something we should have known. When this movie was announced every was like nah, but then we saw it and we were like HOLY HILARITY BATMAN CHANNING TATUM IS HOT AND FUNNY WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE. Anyway, in this movie Chan is a policeman that goes undercover at a high school to find drugs or something. It’s not important, this movie is hella fun, especially when watching with friends for group giggles. 

Magic Mike (2012) 

Everyone laughed when Channing Tatum decided to make a movie about being a male stripper but then Magic Mike turned out to be a surprisingly deep look at the trials of contemporary working class men. I mean don’t get me wrong, the dance routines are great and totally worth watching but it’s also kind of depressing. It’s less about naked men and more about Channing Tatum achieving his dream of being able to make really terrible furniture. A good Sunday afternoon chill flick, not really appropriate for a party. 

White House Down (2013) 

In this paint by numbers action blockbuster our man Channing plays a single dad who wants to be Secret Service for President Jamie Foxx to impress his politically minded daughter. Yes that is right? Action hero Tatum just wants to be a good dad for his amazing history geek child and it’s beautiful. Basically they are in the White House when shit goes down so obviously it’s up to Channing to save the day. Bonus Channing’s daughter is girl goals. 

22 Jump Street (2014) 

Just when you thought they couldn’t top the first movie, those undercover cops are back and this time it’s less creepy because the people they’re hanging out with are over the age of 18. Okay so yeah they take the queerbaiting gay chicken to a whole new level in this film but it’s also so laugh out loud funny you’ll have abs by the time the credits role. Personally I think this one is better than the first but I'm sure someone will want to argue that point - makes for great dinner convo so win!

Magic Mike XXL (2015)

Not to overstate it but Magic Mike XXL is the greatest movie ever made. No joke. The whole point of this movie is make women smile and it achieves it’s goals one hundred times over. Channing reprises his role as the stripper with a heart of goal. This time he’s heading on a road trip with his stripper friends as they try to figure who they are when they’re not getting naked and gyrating. Also Mr Tatum dances to Genuine’s “Pony” with a blow torch so there’s that. BONUS bisexual! 

Jupiter Ascending (2015) 

Everything I ever dreamed as a fourteen year old girl writing self insert Mary Sue fanfic came together to make a movie. That movie was Jupiter Ascending. Channing Tatum, single handedly determined to make heterosexuality look appealing, plays an space hybrid werewolf alien soldier who feels compelling to protect accidental space princess Mila Kunis. Plus he wear’s hover roller blades and skates right into my heart. Also bee’s can sense royalty which is obviously why I have never been stung by one. 

Hail, Caesar! (2016) 

This movie tickles me because I love Hollywood history. It’s a pastiche, a homage. It’s wonderful and I have nothing to say about Channing Tatum’s part in this film. All I can do is show you this clip: 

Well there you have it, this is the best - or at least the most entertaining - ways to enjoy Channing Tatum’s charm. Enjoy and check back this time next week for another Weekend Rec.