Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Recapturing Teen Wolf: McCall Pack Triumphant... Sort of.

Previously on Teen Wolf… The lunar eclipse is coming and all the wolves will be powerless including Derek who is now a beta. Jennifer has the pack parents and they have to find the Nemeton. Scott, Stiles and Allison are using an ice bath to stop their hearts.

White, water, Scott’s eyes. Three baths in a large white room with fluorescent lighting. Scott, Stiles and Allison surge from the water, looking around the room. They climb out of the tubs. It’s all very dramatic and incredibly well done but all I can think is that damn they all look good when they’re wet. Wet jeans, wet t-shirts, wet dresses. There is just a lot of wet happening and it’s making it very hard for me to concentrate.

NGL this is what my heaven would look like. 
They turn around together, as though something has called to them. In the middle of the cavernous white room is the stump of the Nemeton. They make their way towards it. Scott stares at the rings of the tree, it reminds him of something.

This scene is visually stunning just bravo Teen Wolf. 
Flashback to Scott telling Derek about his tattoo, he didn’t know what it meant but he does now. It’s like the rings of the tree. It seems Scott has always been connected to the Nemeton. Scott reaches out and touches the tree.

Stab me in the eye it would feel less than this. 
Scott is in the woods, he hears something, there’s someone else there. It’s baby!Scott from the first episode, in his red hoodie, searching for his inhaler. It’s the night he was bitten. No baby!Scott. Run! Scott watches himself get bit – there’s nothing he can do, he can’t change the past. He steps backwards and there it is. The Nemeton. The music rises with the camera and it’s beautifully epic.

Can I gush more about this opener?
Stiles is in the woods now, it’s the same night, from the pilot. He’s watching his younger self dragging poor Scott through the woods (that’s got to pinch Stiles, it’s kind of all your fault). Baby!Stiles gets caught by his dad leaving Scott in the woods to get bit. Stiles stumbles backwards right into, you guess it, the Nemeton.

Just perfect.
Allison is in the car with her mother. She’s weirded out by the fact that he dad likes to leave in the middle of the night with a duffle bag full of weapons and Mama Argent is just being her wonderful, perfect self. The car swerves when someone walks out onto the road. It’s Scott! Allison’s car was the car that almost hit Scott in the Pilot and I’m not usually a fan of rewriting the Pilot but that was pretty smooth.

How can we resurrect this fabulous woman permanently?
Baby!Allison, being Allison begs her mother (who you can practically see blame Chris in her mind for Allison’s ridiculous sentimentally) to go back and check that the person they almost hit – Scott – is all right. Mama Argent caves because she does love her daughter, unpractical compassion and all, but by the time they get back Scott’s gone. Baby!Allison keeps searching through the woods though. She doesn’t find Scott but she does find Scott’s inhaler (and I know this whole scene is almost entirely fan service bit IDGAF because I’ve been through so much with these assholes).

Mama Argent makes baby!Allison go back to the car, tossing the inhaler away (for Derek to find later). Allison turns around to find… the Nemeton. They were all there that night, they all passed by it. They’re all connected. The original three, the original McCall pack and how is it possible that I am getting nostalgic about something that happened like 2 years ago?

This opener is everything I ever wanted okay. I'm crying a little. 
Whatever that was a beautiful opener – with almost no dialogue and perfect use of locations and music. Just A+ Teen Wolf. This is what I have been waiting for. This is you at your best. 

Opening credits!

Scott, Stiles and Allison surge from the water again, jumping out the baths with the enthusiasm of knowledge. They know where the Nemeton is. They all saw it, even Allison, the night Scott was bitten. The night this story started.

Scott: We can find it.

That whole anchors thing went nowhere didn't it... awkward. 
Unfortunately, Deaton, Lydia and Isaac do not seem to share the others excitement. It seems that Scott, Stiles and Allison were out for longer than they thought.

Isaac: You guys were out for a long time?
Stiles: How long’s a long time?
Deaton: 16 hours.

Stiles is wondering what Lydia, Isaac and Deaton did for 16 hours.
Shock. That is not good because it means there is only a short amount of time before the moon rises and the action begins. (From a story perspective it’s pretty good because it would have be boring to have to wait around all day for the epic conclusion - also kind of lazy writing but not the worst thing).

At the loft, Cora gives Derek some water. He wakes up and looks at Cora. He looks so happy that he did something right that it almost makes me forgive how underdeveloped this relationship is. Anyway Cora is also happy about not being dead. Then Peter chimes in and I am just going to play a new game where we just tell Peter to shut up instead of listening to anything he says. Especially when all he wants to say is that Derek is going to get his ass kicked by Kali any minute now. That’s really not helping Peter.

I honestly don’t know how Derek has been through everything he’s been through and yet still manages to have a somewhat positive outlook on life. Part of him thinks he can win even though he fails every fucking time. He’s a naïve asshole – and this is probably how he ends up being manipulated by the big bad every season – but I like that about him.

Back at the animal clinic Stiles does not think it’s a good idea for Scott to go back to Deucalion but Scott made a promise and that’s that because Scott is the most amazing person ever. You might think I’m being sarcastic, but I’m not. Scott makes me want to be a better person, kind of (not quite to his extreme though because it seems like an awful lot of work).

Lydia just really wants a shower. 
Anyway, Scott doesn’t think he can beat Jennifer without Deucalion’s help and Deaton agrees… because for plot reasons Scott has to be with Deucalion.

Deaton: Circumstances like this sometimes require that you align yourself with people you’d normally consider enemies.
Isaac: So we’re gonna trust him? The guy that calls himself death destroyer of worlds, we’re gonna trust that guy?

Isaac's extra cranky because he lost his scarf.
Isaac’s got a point there doc, I mean everyone’s been telling us all season that Deucalion is the baddest bad around (emphasis on the telling because we haven’t really been shown evidence of this). In fact the other villain of the season is only a villain because she’s trying to get rid of Deucalion. But, let’s forget about that right now because apparently Deucalion is the lesser of two evils. Never mind that it kind of negates everything that has happened all season.

Lydia is having a very bad day because now her FWB wants feelings.
The door to the clinic opens, everyone rushes out to see who is bothering them in there time of planning to use the baddest bad as bait for the other bad. It’s Ethan, he needs Lydia to be the beauty that saves the beast again because apparently that’s a role she’s been relegated to in all season finals (when she’s not playing Stiles’s damsel that is). She gets to be both in this instance because Stiles jumps in to defend Lydia’s honor but then Ethan says the magic words. He needs Lydia’s help to stop Aiden and Kali from killing Derek.

Back at the root cellar/Nemeton/parents bondage club, Melissa, Chris and the Sheriff are just trying to keep it together.

You're face is my main source of joy in life. 
Melissa: Anyone else feeling an unbearable itch they can’t scratch?
Sheriff: Well not before you said something but now. Yes. I do.

They smile and it’s sad because they are both preparing to die. Just waiting for her to come down and strangle them before slitting their throats. This really can’t be a fun experience for the parents so I would like for them to get out of this now. Then the cellar starts to shake and well there now, that’s a drama they didn’t anticipate, at least it’s keeping them on their toes.

I'm not saying listen to Peter but you should probably leave Derek.
Back at Derek’s lost Ethan and Lydia are trying to get Lydia to run away from a fight that he is obviously going to lose… Clearly they have never met Derek before, because throwing himself into fights he’s going to lose is like his favorite past time. Kali knows about the lunar eclipse, she’s not just going to sit around and wait for it to even the playing field.

BTW apparently we are also not talking about the fact that last week Kali found out it was actually Deucalion that killed Ennis, which negated her need to come after Derek in the first place. Maybe it’s just force of habit at this stage, like she just sucks at breaking routine or something. It doesn’t make sense but I have stopped caring.

Derek: You want me to run?
Peter: No I want you to sat and get slaughtered by an alpha with a psychotic foot fetish.

Dammit Peter, you are evil and I want you to die slowly and painfully but you are so sassy and sometimes you just say exactly what I am thinking. Plus Derek just must be the most frustrating person to hang out with. Not going to lie, I’d probably end up manipulating him for shits and giggles as well.

Cora: If you want to fight and die for something, that’s find with me bit do if for something meaningful.

Sorry Cora I forgot you were there because your purpose had been fulfilled (force Derek to give up his Alpha powers) and I figured you would just dissolve into nothing after that? But nope, you’re still here. It’s nice. I think I would have liked you if I had understood anything about you.

Derek: How do you know I’m gonna lose?

Oh Derek, my sweet summer child. This is what I was talking about, he’s just so optimistic in the face of certain failure. We know he’s going to lose because he always loses. Even without looking into it any further it’s a pretty safe bet that Derek is going to lose.

Listen to Lydia! Always. All the time.
Then Peter turns to Lydia for help and no, Peter, stop looking at her. Stop talking to her. Stop acknowledging her existence because you don’t deserves the awesomeness that is Lydia Martin. Lydia looks legitimately terrified of Peter and tells Derek that she feels like she’s stand in a graveyard. Derek listens to Lydia – because he trusts Lydia over Peter and that’s all I am taking from this conversation.

Allison, Scott and Isaac arrive at the Argent apartment. Scott’s on the phone to Stiles, who is looking for something that Scott can use to track the Sheriff’s scent.

This show is becoming an advert for polyamory.
Scott: (on the phone) Just grab anything. Stiles, I’m not smelling your dad’s boxers… okay I’ll smell the socks.

Isaac asks what he should look for and Allison gives him free reign, which I think is risky because let’s face it, Isaac’s gonna go straight for he boxers. Whatever, none of it matters because my OT3 is working together like the team that they are both inside and outside the bedroom.

Hey look it's Agent Douche. 
Allison opens her dad’s office only to be confronted by surprising sight. Agent McCall is sitting in her father chair, with his feet up on the desk. On the desk is an arsenal of weapons and this is not good. (How long was Agent McCall sitting like that just so he could look that cool and casual when Allison open the door because that was totally staged, no wonder people keep getting murdered).

Then Scott’s there and it’s super awkward but not as awkward as it is when Agent McCall calls for Isaac. They’re been caught out – I know they’re actually just preparing for a supernatural battle but Agent McCall doesn’t know that so what’s the best he thinks they were about to fuck. Anyway, the gist is Agent McCall doesn’t know anything (except he’s right about the fucking).

Polyamory: All the cool kids are doing it. 
Scott: If you’re trying to tell me that you don’t have a clue, I learnt that a long time ago.

Oh burn Scott, I’d feel bad for you Agent McCall except you are absent from Scott’s life and I don’t even know how anyone could ever do that because Scott is like the best person ever. So there will be no sympathy from me no matter how much they try to redeem you.

I'm gonna print this out and attach it to a dark board. 
Agent McCall: I’m really hoping to avoid the embarrassment of dragging my own son into an interrogation room.

But he will. Everyone is super mad about this, especially Scott… and me, I am also very mad about everything Agent McCall does.

At Derek’s loft the alarm goes off. You know the one that is completely useless because it only goes off after people have already entered the loft… it’s kind of a metaphor for Derek’s existence really, especially the part where Kali breaks it. She wants to know where Derek is, but he’s gone. Only Lydia and Aiden are left behind.

Lydia: I think he said he was heading out to do some shopping, run a few errands, the usual werewolf afternoon.

Werewolf errands. 
(For the love of all that is good can someone please write me a fic of Derek’s usual werewolf afternoon featuring shopping and running errands, I will pay you in karma).

Kali prowls around the room like the predator that she is, showing of her feet any chance she can get.

Kali: Who do you think you’re talking to?
Lydia: Someone in desperate need of a pedicure. I’d be happy to give you a referral.

Sassier than you. 
Lydia is the best and if you don’t think so I am sorry but you are misinformed. Kali steps forward – no one insults her toenails and gets away with it. Then Aiden growls because of course he’s completely fallen for Lydia. Who can blame him really? Everyone falls for Lydia. Kali roles her eyes… these silly romantic boys.

JFC Derek! Can someone please explain how he gets into those jeans?
Outside Derek and Cora climb into Derek’s car. They’re leaving town – Peter tells them not to call until they are far enough away that they can’t stop him from doing whatever he is planning to do. Derek and Cora drive off leaving Peter alone.

Back at the Argent apartment, Agent McCall is disturbed because there is no responsible adult supervising these three horny teenagers (particularly Isaac). They could be doing anything… like threesome sex. Then he acts like he cares about Mama McCall and I am side-eying him so hard right now. Anyway, all their parents are missing.

Isaac: Mine are both dead.

Hahaha Dead parents... hilarious. Why do I want a mint?
Don’t ever change Isaac. Agent McCall knows that they knows something and he’s willing to keep them there all night if he has to. Scott sighs but then is sports a couple of flash bomb arrowheads (you know the ones Allison is so fond of) and you can practically see the light bulb appear above his head.

A plan is forming. 
Back at Derek’s loft Kali is still barefoot, Aiden is still growling and Lydia is starting to wonder is maybe she should have just gone to bed rather than trying to save a bunch of people she doesn’t really care about. This whole hero thing, it’s not really all it’s cracked up to be.

Lydia: Oh god. Is this about to get really violent?
Ethan: Probably.

Right on cue, Jennifer smashes though the very unpractical ceiling window and lands on the floor in front of Lydia and Aiden. She’s ready for violence.

Jennifer: So who wants to go first?

Must stop myself from just posting picture of her. 
*raises hand enthusiastically not unlike Hermione in Snape’s first potions lesson*

Pick me. Pick me. I want to go first. Alas she does not pick me, she goes for Kali because let’s face that’s who she’s really after (I don’t care what you tell me about her wanting to kill Deucalion her real goal seems to be to get revenge on Kali). This is the battle I have been waiting for. Kali vs. Jennifer. Lover against lover. This going to be good.

Wonder Twins Morph! 
Music, unnecessary flips and excessively choreographed fight sequences. Yes this is good. The twins try to get in on the action but Jennifer just pulls them apart and tosses them aside. Then the music slows and it’s time for an intimate final moment between the two badass ladies.

I want to be profound but boobs and belly. 
Jennifer: That’s right Kali look at me. Look at my face. Do you know what it takes to be able to look like this? To be able to look normal.
Kali: I don’t care.
Jennifer: It takes power. Power like this.

Now Derek has a hole is his roof to match the one in his wall. 
Jennifer uses her Darach powers to lift the shattered glass from the roof window. It’s pretty epic. Kali stands her ground, looking directly at Jennifer in the face of immanent death. She is not going to beg for mercy, she’s going to die like she lived, fighting.

Perfect till the end. 
Kali: I should’ve ripped your head off.

Jennifer screams and shoots the glass into Kali, killing her instantly. It’s pretty hard to survive chunks of class through your skull I guess. Jennifer smiles, she’s won… but wait that wasn’t actually her main aim (except it kind of was). I just really loved everything about this scene. It was emotional, and exciting and kind of over the top but that’s Teen Wolf.

Don't gloat to soon my sweet.
Jennifer turns towards Lydia, and no, sorry Jen. I am 100% on your team until you try to hurt Lydia and then it’s a no go from me. The wonder twins combine powers to create Vultron wolf but Jennifer snaps their neck like it was a twig. Lydia’s all alone with the Darach now and I can’t help but think that no one really thought this plan through very well.

That's the end of that story... or is it? 
Jennifer: What’s the line coach likes to say? The bigger they are…

Ah, Jeff. I’m pretty sure I’ve explained my feelings about repeating popular lines before… and this is the exception because it was just camp enough to work.

Back at the Argent apartment, Agent McCall is still holding Scott, Allison and Isaac captive. Scott doesn’t think he can do that, not without a warrant. Agent McCall looks at the arsenal of weapons on the table in front of him… yeah he’s got a point there. But Allison just smirks like it’s her world and she just allows these men to live in it.

Let me point you in the direction of probably cause. 
Allison: My father is a highly respected private security consultant and federally licensed firearms dealer. That means he has to own a few weapons. Like this 175 pound tactical crossbow or this carbon steel marine combat knife… 50ae desert eagle.

Isaac and Scott are so aroused right now. 
Yes Allison, talk weapons to me. Also from the way Scott and Isaac are looking at Allison right now I’m pretty sure she’s getting the special birthday sex later. And why wouldn’t she, Allison is just marvellous when she’s in the hunting zone. She picks up a grenade.

Allison: Smoke grenade with pull ruing igniter.

She pulls the ring, throws the grenade and tells Scott and Isaac to run as the room fills with smoke. There is so much I could say about this but I’m not going to, because it speaks for itself. Allison Argent took charge, Scott and Isaac followed her lead and they found a way out the mess they were in. Yes.

Stiles is driving in the jeep, he’s probably heading for the Nemeton. There’s a storm, he can’t see. He swerves and then crashes into a tree… why does the Jeep always have to get hurt?

They better not try to replace the Jeep with a Toyota.
Back at Derek’s loft Jennifer is slinking towards a terrified Lydia – understandable really considering she just watched Jennifer kill three very powerful alpha werewolves.

I'll make you scream Lydia... by asking you politely of course.
Lydia: What do you want from me?
Jennifer: I want you to do what you do best Lydia. I want you to scream.

Part of me wants to reprimand Jeff for constantly ripping lines directly from my fantasies fan fiction but that would be a lie because I love it. Never ever stop with innuendoes Jeff (but can we stop putting Lydia in situations that a reminiscent of sexual abuse, thanks). Jennifer wants Lydia to scream… and Lydia’s not one to disappoint so she does.

His spidey senses are tingling. 
Derek hears Lydia’s scream and pulls the car over because safety first and he can’t consider turning around while he’s concentrating on driving. He knows it was Lydia’s scream – they have to go back. Now either Derek is a big damn hero or he has a death wish or maybe both. Whatever the reason, Derek decided to come back because he wanted to save Lydia and that makes me happy.

But Stiles... 
Beacon Hills preserve. Scott, Allison and Isaac arrive – Scott’s on his bike of course because he’s sexy like that. He hops of an immediately starts fangirling over Allison brilliance. Same Scott, same. But then Isaac tells him that he hasn’t heard from Stiles so he starts to get worried. They can’t wait, although Scott clearly wants to. Stiles will just have to catch up.

I'm just going to pretend he's having a much needed rest okay? 
That doesn’t look likely because Stiles is passes out in his Jeep, a nasty gash on his forehead (last week’s ep was pretty Stiles heavy plus Dylan’s a big ass movie star now).

Polyamory: It's not just for weirdos. 
Scott, Allison and Isaac stand on that one hill that everyone goes to when they want to look majestic and wait for Deucalion. They don’t have to wait long, apparently their late. Scott wants to know where the others are and Deucalion tells him that they are occupying other pursuits by which he means they are dead but he doesn’t seem bothered.

Scott: So it’s just you and me against her?
Deucalion: I think you’ll be surprised what a good team we make.

I have given up trying to work out what Deucalion’s motivations are, and to be honest I don’t really care at this stage. Doe anyone care about Deucalion or is it just me? Because he’s a pretty benign badguy. He just wants Scott for his BFF and it’s like, get in line dude. Everyone wants to be Scott’s BFF but that role is already taken by Stiles and Derek is next in line after that so no go bro. Scott tells Isaac to get Stiles and get to the root cellar, he’s off with Deucalion because he’s the man with a plan (and no one is surprised this year).

... and then they had sex.
Meanwhile at the loft, Kali is dead, so is Vultron wolf. Cora is comforting Lydia and Jennifer is still trying to get back into Derek’s pants. She’s trying to convince Derek that she killed Kali for him not because of the whole revenge trip. That doesn’t work so she goes broader, it was for everyone that has ever been hurt by the alphas but Derek’s still not buying what she’s selling.

Sexy times are a no go Jenny, just give it up. 
Derek: Stop talking to me like a politician. Stop trying to convince me of your cause.

But Jennifer gets Derek because she pulls out the one cause that she knows he won’t be able to say no to: Scott. If Derek helps Jennifer, he can help Scott, and Melissa and the Sheriff. All she needs is a guardian and that can be the parents or it can be Derek. Derek’s not an alpha but all she needs him to do is get Deucalion in the right place at the right time.

Very big fan of this t-shirt.
Derek: You just killed three of them on your own, what do you need me for?

Shhh Derek, don’t point out the plot holes, it makes everyone uncomfortable. As far as I can tell she just wants some nice arm candy for her victory party because I honestly can’t think of another reason she would need Derek to be there. Jennifer tries to tell us again that Deucalion is the biggest bad in town but I no longer believe it.

*whispers the magic word* Scott
Jennifer: And if he’s got Scott with him I don’t stand a chance against him unless I have you.

Again I still don’t understand how Derek helps the situation but I’m just going to go with the flow. Plus now that she’s pulled the Scott card we know that Derek’s going to say yes. He has a weakness, that weakness is Scott (also it’s important for symmetry that it’s Scott and Deucalion against Derek and Jennifer). Anyway Jennifer has a 15 minute window when the eclipse happens and she wants Derek there.

Allison and Isaac are running through the woods searching for the Nemeton, Allison knows it’s around somewhere she just can’t remember exactly. Isaac can’t catch a scent because they established a couple of eps ago that it’s hard to do that in bad weather. Then he hears it, the sonic emitter Chris turned on at the end of last week’s ep. Isaac follows the noise and they find it. The Nemeton!

They're coming moms and dads! 
Celebrate for they have found the parents. Allison and Isaac head into the cellar and it becomes clear that I might have started celebrating prematurely because the ground is caving in.

Argent family feels. 
Inside the root cellar Allison rushes for her father and it’s lovely because he just says you found us. Like he knew she would. Then the Sheriff and Melissa call for Stiles and Scott and this is a lot of family feelings to be having in one go. Isaac heads straight to until Melissa of course because he’s pretty much a McCall now too. Then the roof starts to fall in and the reunion is not so happy anymore.

Back at the loft Cora and Lydia are falling in love… I mean going to get help, when a noise from behind stops them. The wonder twins have survived a broken neck because they are pretty dudes and you know how Jeff feels about pretty dudes.

How do we kill them for real tho? 
Scott and Deucalion make their grand entrance into the warehouse from that one episode we don’t talk about. Except their entrance is not very effective because they are the only one’s there. Deucalion’s sighs, he’s like, Scott didn’t you say you had a plan? Scott did have a plan and it all goes back to the first episode. I should have know this was all Conrad’s fault.

First rule of making an entrance: Arrive late. 
Anyway Jennifer sent a text in that first episode so now Scott has her number so he can send her a threatening video message. You know what that means? It’s time for our weekly phone tutorial. You can send video messages to your enemies did you know?

She's regretting giving her number out to a bunch of high school students. 
Jennifer’s standing around in the woods with Derek (quickie before murder) when she gets Scott’s message. He’s standing in front of the spiral – which is a symbol for revenge (NGL pretty sure Derek is weeping with joy because Scott listened to something he said way back in Season 1). Something about balance and revenge, and you know where to find Scott. Basically it’s on bitches.

Cora and Lydia take the wonder twins to Deaton because apparently Cora no longer wants to kill them even though they held her captive and helped kill Boyd but let’s not get bogged down in semantics. The important thing is that if they start healing they are doing to be all right. Few I was super worried about them… not.

Now that's an entrance. 
At the warehouse Jennifer and Derek show Scott and Deucalion how to really make a dramatic entrance. Jennifer appears through the mist as though alone but then Derek steps out of the shadows behind her. Plot twist and Scott looks utterly heartbroken but I’m not sure how anyone is surprised by Derek’s actions anymore.

After everything Scott is still shocked by Derek's betrayal.
Scott: What are you doing?
Derek: This might be hard to believe but actually trying to help you.

The thing is, that’s not hard to believe Derek. You’re always trying to help. What’s hart to believe is that you still think that you can help. Trying to help never works out well for you, you should just stop. But really it’s kind of cool because it all comes back to Derek and Scott.

Deucalion: Like brother against brother, how very American this is.

Then it’s time for some Deucalion dramatics, and he finally shows us what it means to be a demon wolf… it means you look kind of like one of the monkeys in planet of the apes. Whatever it’s not a good look. He’s bad. Jennifer’s terrified. Derek’s Derek so he decides to attack the demon wolf because why the fuck not?

Actual hero Isaac Lahey. 
Back in the root cellar everything is still falling apart and Isaac is a hero pushing through his claustrophobic trauma and holding up the roof. That’s pretty BAMF. Let’s just take a moment to appreciate Isaac… and moving on.

"I've made a tiny huge mistake"
Deucalion just basically tosses Derek aside (are we surprised?) but then he also tosses Jennifer aside so that’s not so good (Jennifer’s supposed to be the baddest bitch around). Scott just stands around watching as Deucalion, but what else is he supposed to do? Deucalion grabs Jennifer and drags her towards Scott. He wants Scott to kill her and yeah that’s just not going to happen.

I think failing is an STI
Then it’s time for Scott’s hero ultimatum. He can save his parents by killing Jennifer but that would make him a killer. Scott’s not going to do that because Scott is an actual hero and a legitimate good person and I just love him and his perfect morals and his perfect face and his ridiculous tattoo.

Jennifer: It won’t end, not with me. He’ll have you kill everyone you love. It’s what he does.

That just reminds us that Deucalion is the most benign badguy ever. All talk and no action. Plus we still have no idea what his end game was, he had no reason to be evil he was just evil and he wasn’t even very good at it. Anyway he’s still harping on about Scott becoming the Alpha he was meant to be (although I don’t know how him killing Jennifer helps that).

Scott McCall is better than you. 
Scott: They’re not dead yet.

And that’s Scott right there. Scott will never make the terrible choice as long as he can keep fighting he will keep fighting. The basic gist of this gush fest is that Scott is a genuinely good person and it gives me all the warm and fuzzies.

Deucalion: Who’s going to save them? Your friends?
Scott: My pack!

I’m not ashamed to admit that I punched the air when Scott said this because Scott believes in his friends, Scott trust his friends, Scott loves his friends. And Jeff Davis might suck at writing romance but he’s damn good at friendship.

Speaking of Scott’s friends, Isaac is losing his strength he can’t hold the roof up for much longer. The Sheriff is helping him but even Johnny cages can’t get them out of this one. There’s only one person that can save them now, it’s Stiles with an aluminum bat!

Holy shit that worked! 
Sheriff: I always said aluminum was better than wood.

There is so much to love about this – like the fact that after the wooden bat failed him Stiles went out and got an aluminum one or the shocked look on Stiles face when it actually works. Like he didn’t expect the bat to stop the roof from caving in, which means he jumped into that hole fully prepared to be crushed to death with his father. Hold me the Stilinski feels have take over – especially when they hug (don’t get me wrong, a single bat holding up the whole roof is utterly ridiculous but I will forgive the illogical for character moments, plus Stiles with a bat - UNF).

Stop hitting yourself. 
Back at the warehouse, Deucalion decides to take a page out of Kali’s book (or maybe she got the idea from Deucalion) and just force Scott to kill Jennifer. I’m not sure it counts as murder if you use someone’s body as a weapon against their will but we’ll go with that. It’s okay though, because Scott had a plan… again.

Scott: I forgot to tell you something. Something that Gerard told me. Deucalion isn’t always blind.

Remember when these blinded him the first time... irony.
Scott pulls out the flashbombs he was eying earlier and tosses them at the ground. They explode blinding wolf Deucalion and giving Scott the time to escape his hold. It was good plan, but time has run out, the eclipse is happening and Jennifer is nowhere to be seen.

Scott: Oh no.

Turns out Jennifer disappeared so she could have a costume change and make a second epic entrance this time as the darach. It’s in slow motion of course, because you just can’t have an episode of Teen Wolf without slow motion. Jennifer/Darach starts to tenderize Deucalion’s skull with the concrete floor until Derek stops her.

It’s Derek’s turn to try his hand at manipulation and I have to say he does a pretty good job (although I am not very happy about Jennifer’s apparent obsession with the way she looks). Derek tells Jennifer that Deucalion has never seen the consequences of his actions, he’s never seen Jennifer’s real face. Jennifer totally falls for (Derek must have been really good in best because she is still in like a sex haze).
I would say something punny but it's all been said.
Jennifer uses her Darach powers to heal Deucalion and give him his sight back. She forces him to look at her, which makes him cry and that seems a little mean to me. I mean sure she’s not conventionally beautiful but it’s what’s inside that counts. And on the inside, Jennifer is a psychopathic murderer and I think that’s beautiful.

And the student becomes the master.
After Deucalion has looked upon her true face she goes to land the killing blow but all her strength is gone. Derek catches Jennifer as she falls in exhaustion. Healing Deucalion make her weak, just like healing Cora made Derek weak. Jennifer looks at Derek and I almost believe that she genuinely loves him.

Oh Jenny. You have terrible taste in lovers. Seriously. Almost as bad as Derek's.
Jennifer: Then you do it. Kill him.

The saddest part is that she seemed to think that he actually will kill him. She thinks that Derek is on her side and he’s just not. He’s on Scott’s side, he’s always been on Scott’s side.

Derek: No.
Jennifer: What?
Derek: Like my mother used to say. I’m a predator, I don’t have to be a killer.

GO DEREK! You be a better man! You can do this! Oh wait, Jennifer’s got her strength back maybe you can’t do this.

They are never ever ever getting back together.,
Jennifer starts to beat the crap out of poor Derek and he just keeps coming back for more because he is the subbiest sub that ever did sub he is determined to keep Jennifer occupied until the eclipse is over. Flashback to when Cora and Boyd were tearing Derek apart back in episode 3 (you know the one with all the unnecessary flips and the worst located stationary supplies in history). Just in case you didn’t realize that Derek is sacrificing himself again. I guess it’s kind of poetic because last time he was sacrificing himself for Jennifer and now she’s the one trying to kill him (oh the irony).

You know you have a problem when a fight scene is sexier than the sex scene.
Derek’s sacrifices does the job though because soon enough the eclipse is over and the wolves are back in the game. Jennifer senses that she’s at a disadvantage so she surrounds herself in a mountain ash circle. Then she has no choice, she has to bury the parents alive because once she does that she won’t need an eclipse to kill anyone.

Better than your faves. 
She thinks she’s won but she’s wrong because Scott plants himself in front of the mountain ash line and prepares to push his way through. Mountain ash works on belief, and Scott believes he can push his way through…. So he does. Derek and Deucalion watch on in aw as Scott becomes the Alpha he was always meant to be by pushing through the barrier and breaking the mountain ash line.

Do you believe in magic? 
Jennifer: How did you do that?
Scott: I’m an Alpha now.

I could write you an essay on the significance of Scott say that he’s an alpha rather than the alpha but really it kind of speaks for it self. This is why Scott is a true alpha because he doesn’t think he’s anything special, he’s just one of many.

Scott: Whatever you’re going to cause this storm make it stop or I’ll kill you myself. I don’t care what it does to the color of my eyes.

RIP my lady love. Gone too soon. 
Before Jennifer can make that choice though, Deucalion steps forward and slashes her throat because it wont change the color of his eyes. NOOOOOOOOO! Jennifer! My beautiful murderess. You were too amazing for this world – or more likely you were too much of a woman and if Teen Wolf has taught me anything it’s that evil woman must be killed (evil men are allowed to hang around though).

I know they are not doing this deliberately but think about it like this. There were four main villains introduced at the start of the season, two survived in the end. Both Kali and Jennifer are killed but Deucalion and the Alpha twins get to live. It doesn’t matter how you look at that it doesn’t look good.

And so beauty saved the beast... again. 
Speaking of male villains being allowed to live, back at the animal clinic the Alpha twins are awake. Also apparently there are actual feelings between Lydia and Aiden? When did that happen? It must have been when all the other important character development happened and the camera broke so they couldn’t film any of it or something.

Back at the warehouse Scott calls Stiles to check that he is all right because they are the best friends ever. And bros call each other after battles have been won. Stiles is all right. The parents are all right. They are still stuck under ground and the roof is still being held up by a bat but the walls have stopped shaking so they’re taking it as win. There’s lots of hugging and general enthusiasm at being alive.

Then Stiles asks if Scott – and by extension Derek – is all right and the best thing ever is that Derek just kind of shrugs like “eh, I guess, could be worse”. That’s just Derek for you, he’s in a perpetual state of it could be worse (news flash Derek… it’s worse).

We cool bro.
Stiles tells Scott to bring a ladder so they can get out of the hole in the ground. Everyone laughs and I am drowning in pack feels because it doesn’t really matter that there wasn’t really a conclusion to the alpha pack storyline because everyone is okay and they are laughing.

Scott and Derek stand together facing a meek looking Deucalion because apparently giving him his sight back turned him into a good guy. Ignore that for a moment and focus on Scott and Derek standing next to each other. Don’t look at me I’m crying forever because they’re brothers now!

Sobbing because this screencap is perfect.
Derek: My mother said that you were a man of vision once.

Just one more vision pun for old times. Then Derek looks at Scott as if to say are you sure this is what you want to do (because Scott is Derek’s alpha now and you know it).

Deucalion is very sorry he killed a bunch of people and he promises never to do it again. 
Derek: We’re letting you go because we hope you can be that man again. 

And wait what? Did I just hear that correctly? Are they letting the guy that, as Isaac so eloquently put it, calls himself death destroyer of worlds go? Just like that, with nothing more than a slap on the wrist. But it’s worse, because he’s actually leaving in better condition than he was when he started. He can see now, which will certainly make it easier for him to kill people. 

Look I understand that Jeff wrote himself into a corner here. Because it’s important to Scott and especially Derek’s character arcs that they choose not to kill Deucalion but it’s so badly done. They spent an entire season telling us that Deucalion was the baddest guy around. Heck Jennifer’s whole reason for being evil comes out of her fear for Deucalion (there was a bunch of revenge in there as well but she was supposed to be terrified of Deucalion). By letting him go, just like that, they are basically negating everything that happened this season.

Letting Deucalion go without any kind of retribution – both Peter and Gerard at least paid some kind of price – makes it seem like all the people that died this season died for nothing. Both Boyd and Erica were killed by the Alpha pack and if we are supposed to forgive Ethan and Aiden because they were just following orders then you can’t really blame Kali. Either they all have individual responsibility for their actions or it was all Deucalion’s fault. You can’t just pick and choose.

And it’s not like Deucalion’s continued existence adds anything to the story. He was a fairly bland an unoriginal character made up almost entirely of clichés. But by all means let him go off and continue to be evil (and I don’t care how you justify it getting his sight back does not cure him of being a psychopath).

*sobbing* BROTHERS! *sobbing*
Scott: But if you’re not then having your eyesight back won’t matter because you’ll never see us coming.

Well then, that’s fine. That’s definitely a legitimate threat. It’s not like both you losers lost every fight you had against Deucalion… and that was when he was blind. I’m going to stop now before I give myself an aneurysm but there is no way this is ever going to make sense and I refuse to pretend it does no matter how much I love this show.

Derek and Scott turn in tandem and walk away from the known killer leaving him to continue doing what he was doing before… which was MURDERING PEOPLE!

Anyway it’s time for the coda, which is good because I could use something to take my mind of that mess.

Sorry Allison, I'll try to stop talking about how hot your dad is I promise. 
Chris loads his gun because I needed to add sexual frustration to the anger I was already feeling. Allison enters his office and it’s awesome because she basically tells Chris that they are getting back into the hunting game. He is going to teach her everything he knows and that’s not all, they’re getting a new code. Chris is worried for a minute because you know what the code means to him. But Allison tell him her new code: We protect those who cannot protect themselves. And everything is wonderful (Chris x Code continues to be the OTP of OTPs).

Meet the Argent Matriarch! 
The music starts – it’s “Kids” by Mikky Ekko, a song that will forever give me feels thanks to this stupid MTV show about werewolves.

Derek walks out of the loft with Cora. They look around the room – perhaps remembering all the good times they had there. Like the time Boyd died or that time Derek was manipulated into having sex with another murderer. Good times. Is it bad that I want someone to burn down that loft?

Leather Jacket x Derek = OTP
Scott: (voiceover) I honestly don’t know if he’s ever some back. Part of me hopes so. But another part hopes that maybe he’ll be okay somewhere else.

The best part is that Derek’s wearing his leather jacket again – and I don’t even know what my life is but I’m getting emotional about an article of clothing. Anyway Derek’s off on a road trip and I know some people were upset by this but it makes sense – character wise. Going away and returning is a metaphor for renewal and rebirth. Plus it means that Derek gets to make a spectacular grand entrance when he comes back next season.

Scott: (voiceover) My dad doesn’t look like he’s going to be leaving for a while. But just because he’s staying doesn’t mean that he’s welcome.

At Scott’s house. Agent McCall is trying to be dad but Scott’s not buying it and neither am I. He slams his door in Agent McCall’s face and it’s beautiful – especially the part where Melissa is giggling down the end of the hall. Don’t worry Mama McCall we don’t give a crap about that sperm donor you’re the only parent Scott needs.

Sad Scott :(
Scott enters the school – in slow motion because at this point what’s a little more slow motion between friends.

Scott: (voiceover) Stiles and I both feel it, everyday, just like you said we would. And it makes me think about that quote Jennifer used to start our first class. Cos when I feel it, it’s like I’m looking into the heart of an immense darkness.
Deaton: (voiceover) So what do you do instead?
Scott: (voiceover) I look for my friends.

Scott looks around the hallway and I’m not going to bother to describe this because by now you guys should understand how I feel about friendship and these damn characters (I love them, a lot).




Okay I am. 
It has to end with Scott and Stiles because their friendship is the heart of this show. Ship what you like, this what Teen Wolf is about. The music fades with Scott and Stiles’s smiles and it’s kind of heartbreaking. All I want out of 3B is for the darkness in their hearts to be a metaphor for mental illness (I’m talking Season 6 Buffy).

Deaton: And what about Ms Blake?
Scott: I don’t know.

They went back for her body but it was gone and for a moment I allow myself to hope. Maybe this time the female villain will survive. Maybe this time they will get a chance a redemption or revenge.

Go faster! 
Jennifer crawls towards the Nemeton begging the tree to save her one more time but before she can reach the middle someone grabs her.

*sings* I will always love you *sings*
Jennifer: Of course it’s you. Everyone else suffers but somehow you come out on top and now that Scott’s an Alpha you’ll be able to steal it from him. You’ll be an alpha again.

It’s Peter Hale of course. He frowns at Jennifer, slashes her throat and she’s dead for good (or maybe not).

A shocking plot twist... Not. 
Peter: I am the Alpha. I’ve always been the Alpha.

NGL, I’m still laughing about this. Oh Peter you over dramatic dickhead I can’t wait to watch Lydia cut you into a 1000 pieces while you watch.

And that’s it, that’s the end of the summer season. There is no more Teen Wolf until January. Excuse me I have to go have an existential crisis right now.