Recapturing Teen Wolf: Allison to the Rescue!

Previously on Teen Wolf… Derek both freaked out and aroused the new English teacher, Jennifer Blake. Allison and Scott need to have that talk. Deucalion wants Derek to kill Scott and Isaac wants to kill the Alpha twins.

Right friggin’ now: Thunder and lightening, very very frightening… ignore it though because it’s not relevant to the episode (but don’t forget because I’m sure it will be important at some stage). They’re on a bus. With Coach Cupcake… seriously who let that man take students out of school. Remind me to never send my children to Beacon Hills High. Isaac and Boyd are sitting next to each other (OMG pack feels – just because Derek broke up with Isaac doesn’t mean the whole pack did).

What a wonderful way to begin an episode! 

Then this conversation happened and it’s all very intense but imagine for a moment imagine that Boyd and Isaac accidently walked in on Derek having a little alone time…

Don't mind me I'm just drowning in pack feels. 

Isaac: Stop thinking about it man.

Boyd: Like you’re not thinking about it too.

Isaac: We’ll both stop thinking about it.

Boyd: I can’t.

Hilarious right. This is why you shouldn’t begin an episode with a really vague conversation. People’s minds (okay my mind) will go to terrible places.

Danny: OMG you're gay too how fascinating. 

Also on the bus are Ethan and Danny, who are sitting together because they are the only gays in the village and therefore have to hook up. Ethan’s distracted though, he’s waiting for a message. He insists it’s not important but the look on his face says different.  

I feel like this screen cap accurately represents these two every time they study together.  

At the back of the bus – because they would be at the back of the bus – are Scott and Stiles. Scott is not looking so well. And he’s having PSD flashbacks about standing over a giant hole looking forlorn. Back in the present Stiles is helping Scott with his ever-expanding vocabulary. Go new Scott! Episode five and he’s hanging in there… Incongruous: Can you use that in a sentence please Stiles?

Stiles: Yes, yes I can. It’s completely incongruous that we’re sitting on a bus right now. On our way to some stupid cross-country meet after what just happened.

Did you mean? Out of place, ridiculous, absurd?

Next word please Stiles… Durach – it’s a noun. Scott looks as Stiles like Stiles looks when Scott tries his hand at sarcasm but they have to talk about it eventually. It must be killing Stiles to have to put his investigation on hold... Intransigent.

Enough vocab because Scott is really not looking very well. Stiles is worried (and I am also worried), he knows they shouldn’t have come on this stupid trip. They don’t even like track. They’re lacrosse boys.

Stiles is so worried about Scott! 

Scott: We had to, there’s safety in numbers.

Stiles: Yeah well there’s also death in numbers okay. It’s called a massacre.

Blood bath, carnage, butchery… and I don’t like where this is going. Scott is very not all right and eventually caves to Stiles request to let him see it (no not that, get your mind out of the gutter you horrible person). There’s a claw mark just under Scott’s ribs, it’s not healing. Scott tells Stiles not to worry, because it’s from an Alpha it will take longer to heal. Yeah well then how come Boyd and Isaac are fine Scott? Don’t be that guy Scott. It works out so well for Derek… wait what did you say about Derek?

Scott: I can’t believe he’s dead. I can’t believe Derek’s dead. 

Wait what? Umm sorry? Can you repeat that Scott because I’m pretty sure I heard you wrong? Derek can’t be dead. Because Derek wants to be dead and Derek never gets what he wants. But seriously. This is not cool. Like really not cool.

Opening Credits.

Stalker queens. 

Allison and Lydia are driving behind the school bus. Well Allison is driving and Lydia is sitting beside her judging Allison because she’s about to rear end a bus.

Lydia: That depends, are you planning on following the bus or are you planning on mounting it at some point?

Of course the point of this conversation is not that they are driving too close to the bus but to point out that they shouldn’t be behind the bus at all.  Allison is stalking Scott but she has a good reason, after what happened she’s decided that he can’t be trusted to be left alone without getting into life threatening situations. Also Scott started it when he turned up at Allison’s to finally have that talk.

Flashback #1: Allison’s room. Scott’s showing Allison the arrow he found after that night at the school where Allison saved all their asses and didn’t claim any credit. Allison’s all – it’s probably from the archery team. Except they don’t have an archery team.

Scott looked it up! 

Scott: Even if we did, they wouldn’t be using military grade amour piercing arrowheads.

He looked it up – score new Scott. But then he loses points because he’s all – I thought you were going to stay out of this Allison. And Allison’s like hold up and we still having this conversation even though I keep proving that I am perfectly capable of looking after myself. Scott’s like no… by which he means yes. Allison is about 500% done with your babying Scott and so am I. Scott’s like no but you don’t understand these guys are scary and super strong.

Allison: You’re pretty strong and I can handle you.

And okay Allison that’s pretty smooth. Things are going to a sexy place very quickly here and I like it. Flirting via violent threats… yes this is something I can get behind.  

Oh yeah she's into it. 

Allison: Maybe you didn’t notice but I’m pretty good with a bow and arrow.

Scott: Okay well what if you didn’t have it. I’d still have super strength.

Allison: I’d have skills and training.

Scott: I have claws.

Allison: I’m smarter.

Scott: Well I’m faster.

Allison: Prove it.

I complain because I actually secretly love you mushy assholes. 

This is quite possibly the hottest thing that has happened on Teen Wolf. Seriously I’m getting a bit flustered. That is how you do sexual tension! They play fight and almost kiss until Allison pulls away. God damn it this is hot. Allison smiles and attacks again but then things get real because Scott uses his super strength to overpower Allison pushing her up against the door and it’s a mood killer.

That look right there - that is why she broke up with you Scott.

Not a good move Scott. All Allison’s insecurities are tied to her fear of feeling powerless and you just reminded her of just how powerless she is. Allison pulls away telling Scott to leave. He’s made his point. Scott just wants her to know that he’s scare and she should be too. AND OMG SCOTT SHE’S ALWAYS SCARED THAT’S KIND OF THE POINT!

Scott leaves Allison’s apartment and enters the elevator only to be confronted by Deucalion because naturally. This is apparently the season of elevator confrontations.

Was he just riding the lift waiting for Scott to be done with Allison?

Flashback #2: Derek’s loft. Scott knows where the Alpha’s are, but it’s too little too late because Derek already knows. They’re in Allison’s building. Boyd and Cora followed the Alpha twins – just taking this moment to remind you that I do not trust Cora, I like her, but I don’t trust her as far as I can throw her… which is really not very far. I’m pretty small.

The schemers are scheming.

By that he means that they are going after the Alpha’s… tomorrow night (which is the night before the bus scene I think– god damn it these flash backs are confusing). Also Derek wants Scott’s help again… must be Monday.

MORE SLOW MOTION! I SAID MORE! 

Flashback #3: Slow motion fighting. Boyd’s down. Cora’s down. Scott’s angry and this is not going well. I do not like Flashback #3.

Right friggin’ now: Back on the bus. Coach Cupcake is yelling at Jared who is standing in for Greenberg in this episode and also happens to be the walk on role winner (congrats fellow fanboy). Jared is carsick… even though they aren’t moving and Coach Cupcake is not at all sympathetic. Did you think he would be?

Don't worry dude, that's how I would look if I was on the set of Teen Wolf.

Speaking of sick – Scott is not looking good at all. He’s still bleeding which means he’s not healing and that’s not good. Scott’s like shhh Ethan’s listening. Stiles is like fine but what do they do about the ticking time bomb (Boyd and Isaac) in front of them. Scott’s sure they won’t try anything but he has more faith than I do because they look pretty ready to try something to me.

Stop looking at me Stiles. I swear I'm trying not to objectify you. 

Flashback #2: Derek’s loft. The Alpha’s are in the penthouse above Allison’s apartment. BTW forever screaming about the fact that Derek knows where Allison lives. They’re plan is simple… they kill the Alphas before the Alpha’s kill them. It’s a good plan in theory but I’m sure they have thought through the logistics. Scott has other concerns.

Dear costume department, I didn't think I would ever be a fan of a leather vest... I stand corrected.

Scott: Why is the default plan always murder? Just once can someone try to come up with something that doesn’t involve killing everyone?

Peter: You never tire of being so blandly moral do you?

Nope, nope he doesn’t. That’s why I love him though – it’s also why he annoys the crap out of me but I am damn thankful that he’s around or bad things would have happened and Stiles probably would have become a super-villain.

Peter agrees with Scott that Derek’s plan is stupid. But I mean Derek’s plans are always stupid. Cora also agrees but mainly because she doesn’t understand why everyone thinks the sun shines out of Scott’s ass. Derek’s like shut up Cora you’re only my sister Scott is my bestest friend in the forevers also he was there for me where were you Cora? No seriously. WHERE WERE YOU?

Damn those Hale genes are good.

Derek falls back on his default argument – they can’t do nothing. The plan is to go after Deucalion because if you cut off the head of a snake the body dies. Except this isn’t s snake it’s a hydra. Cutting of the head of a hydra. Not so good. Also I’m sensing a Greek mythology theme in this season… Scott does also because he knows his hydras! Go new Scott! Someone’s been doing their summer reading.

Right friggin’ now: You know who else is doing their reading… Lydia. She’s just catching up on a little light reading: Thermodynamic Asymmetry in Time (is this a reference to this episode or something more significant?). Lydia is wondering if the whole not letting Scott out of their sight thing is at all flexible because they’re almost out of gas. Allison’s like we’re not stopping (you are if you run out of gas). Lydia’s like what’s the big deal but Allison is seriously shaken up by what happened.

I want to be buried with this screen cap. 

Lydia’s like we’ll they’re the ones that started it and Allison’s all did Aiden tell you that? And oh yeah it is so on. You guys should probably wrestle. It will help you work through your issues. And you’ll like it. I promise. Lydia is shocked and appalled by Allison’s accusation.

Flashback #4: Lydia and Aiden are making out like it’s the end of the world and this is probably one of the best things Teen Wolf ever done.

Lydia: What do you think you’re doing?

Aiden: What do you mean?

Lydia: I mean your hands?

Aiden: They’re on your waist.

Lydia: I know… what am I a nun? Put them somewhere useful.

That looks like fun... how do I get one of those?

When I got on about positive representations of female sexuality this is what I mean! This is a young woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to ask. Do you know how big a deal that is? That is a big deal. Girls are taught to be submissive and told never to ask for anything because their pleasure doesn’t matter. As long as you make your man happy it’s okay, it’s probably going to suck for you anyway and it’s not the guys fault of course because girls are just so complicated (newsflash: they’re not). But not Lydia. Lydia’s like nope this is not what I wanted. Do it like this. Thank you Teen Wolf! Thank you Lydia.

Also feel the need to point out that Lydia knows Aiden is an Alpha werewolf at this point – so she went into that sexual encounter with all the information. She was not manipulated she just thought… Alpha werewolf, I’ll bet he’s good in bed and if the look on her face is anything to go by, she was right.

Right friggin’ now: Traffic Jam. There’s some kind of accident that may or may not be important later whatever Isaac looked it up on his phone. No time to deal with that now because Boyd’s about to shift in the middle of the bus. Scott’s up he has to stop him. He knows Boyd is going to do something because he’s the alpha because of claws.

Whoops you would want to reveal the super secret werewolf secret Boyd.

Flashback #1: Scott’s still in the elevator chatting to Deucalion. He gets his claws out but Dukes all calm down there’s no need to get your knickers in a twist.

Claws out! 

Deucalion: Come on Scott, put those away. I’d have to be blind, deaf and a quadriplegic for you to be an actual threat.

Ouch. But Scott doesn’t care. He’s not like Deucalion. He’s better than that. He’s not interested in killing anyone. Not even the bad guy. That killed Erica and the girl and tortured Boyd and Cora and threatened all Scott’s friends. Yeah you sure you don’t want to rethink that no killing policy Scotty boy?

Scott could become an Alpha by killing one… but Scott’s not interest in that. Deucalion warns him that there comes a time when killing in necessary to save someone’s life. Scott’s like what are you even doing here? And Duke replies, oh I live here. It’s a great building and neighbors are surprisingly friendly. Then he makes another pun about seeing (this is not punny anymore). The elevator doors open and Scott hops out – Deucalion says in because apparently he just likes to ride the elevator up and down threatening any teenage werewolves that happen to cross his path.

Flashback #3: Oh no it’s back again. Have I mentioned that I don’t like flashback #3? There’s more slow motions fighting AND OH MY GOD DID WE JUST WATCH DEREK FALL TO HIS DEATH! And don’t look at me. I’m not in any fit state to by seen by the general populous right now. This is not happening and I refuse to think about it. At all. Ever. I HATE FLASHBACK #3! FUCK THIS FUCK EVERYTHING. I DON’T WANT TO PLAY THIS GAME ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!

I am taking back my Facebook friend request Teen Wolf. 

Grandpa from The Princess Bride: He doesn’t die at this time.

Me: Wait what are you doing in my Teen Wolf recap? But also please continue.

Grandpa from The Princess Bride: Derek isn’t actually dead. I’m explaining to you because you look nervous.

Me: I wasn’t nervous. I knew Derek was going to be all right… I might have been a little concerned, but I think I kept my cool.

Right friggin’ now: Cora is standing at the same abandoned escalators we just saw but Derek’s body is nowhere to be seen. She looks upset, and I still don’t trust her but I think she genuinely cares for her brother… A wild Peter appears.

That's a Derek deadpan face.

Peter: It’s just me your uncle. Uncle Peter.

Cora: Uncle Peter who killed sister Laura?

Peter’s like is anyone ever going to let that go? Derek totally ripped his throat out and Peter’s cool with it. Cora still doesn’t think that she should trust Peter and that’s a good plan. I say this all the time but no one ever listens. No one should ever trust Peter. Ever. At all. Just don’t. NO. You want to hear it in Spanish – noh!

Are they totally evil? or just a little bit evil? 

Then Peter’s all – well maybe we shouldn’t trust you Cora and he has a point. Cora replies with but you’ve known me for 17 years. Peter’s like I knew you for 11 years. That’s 6 years uncounted for. At lot can happen in 6 years. Look at Peter. He’s evil now. How do we know you didn’t turn evil as well Cora? Also how the hell does an 11 year old survive on her own? Nope I do not trust you one bit.

Anyway back to the problem at hand – Derek. Cora and Peter are wondering the same thing. Where are the bodies? Maybe one of them found enough strength to walk out the door… the question is: which one?

Back at the bus – Scott is walking forward to stop Boyd from doing something stupid. There’s a voice over flashback – fancy! Scott doesn’t know what to do. Derek’s going to get them all killed. How does he help someone that doesn’t want to be helped? He doesn’t stop them. He leads them! ALPHA SCOTT IN DA HOUSE!

Scott: Don't do the thing.
Boyd: You have a point. 

Scott grabs Boyd… asking him what the plan is. If Boyd has a good plan he’ll let go. But Boyd does not have a good plan and while he doesn’t care what happens to him Scott does. Scott asks for a chance to figure things out and Isaac notices that Scotts’ hurt. Crisis averted for a moment at least.

Stiles is like good because they have another problem. Ethan keeps looking at his phone. Like he’s waiting for something.

Stiles: Something evil. I can tell. I have a very perceptive eye for evil. You know that.

Remember how Stiles was always saying Matt was evil? And then he was right. I bet he goes on about it ALL THE TIME. Like you should have listened to me about Matt and you should listen to me now.

He's so upset. Like why won't Danny answer his ridiculously invasive text?

Anyway Scott doesn’t like that Danny is sitting with Ethan. Stiles says he doesn’t either but then he kind of does because it’s useful for information purposes. He texts Danny to ask him why Ethan keeps checking his phone and I bet Danny is regretting ever giving Stiles his number. Danny’s confused because he’s not supposed to know about werewolves (even though he totally does) so why would he give Stiles information about his boyfriend’s texting habits?

One day Danny is going to snap and murder Stiles and everyone will understand.

Stiles won’t let go though (the little shit) he just keeps messaging Danny (continuously in the most annoying way possible) until Danny has no choice but to ask Ethan what’s up. Ethan turns around to look at Scott and Stiles because they are about as subtle as an elephant in a nightclub but he gives Danny an answer anyway. His friend is sick, he might not make it through the night.

Ennis… he’s not dead which means DEREK?????

Grandpa from The Princess Bride: I said he’s not dead you little shit.

Me: OKAY! Can we get the kissing part now?

Something is wrong with my wolf?

At the animal clinic Deaton gets an unexpected (but kind of expected) visit from the Alphas and Ms Morell. Kali and Aiden are holding up Ennis, he’s not looking great. They could use a little help but Deaton is not interested in helping because he’s firmly on team Scott. Kali threatens Ms Morrell and Deaton uses his mysterious powers to make her back off. Then Ms Morrell uses the magic words. If Deaton doesn’t save Ennis, the others will go after Scott.

Back on the bus, poor Jared is still not doing to well – even though the bus is still not moving. And Coach Cupcake is even less sympathetic.

Same dude. 

Coach Cupcake: Jared I’m warning you. I’m an empathetic vomiter. You throw up. I’m gonna throw up right back on you and It will be profoundly disgusting.

Gross, thanks for that mental image coach. Vomit or no vomit (also something about a tornado warning) they are not missing this meet. Stiles suggests a small stop but Coach Cupcake shoots him down. It’s a small bus and Stiles needs to stop talking to him. I repeat who let that man be in charge of children?

It takes two to text. 

Scott’s still bleeding and they can’t get on to Deaton so Stiles is like that’s it, he’s calling Allison and Lydia (because he’s smart enough to know that they are the best people to call in all emergency situations). Scott’s like how can they help – they’re all the way back in Beacon Hills. Stiles is like, no they are not. They have been following them for hours. Pathetic.

Look at how much she cares that Allison is upset! Help i'm drowning in Allydia feels! 

In Allison’s car Lydia answers her phone and tries to make a flimsy excuse about being at the movies but her heart is not in it so she caves when Stiles tells her to put him on speaker phone. Can I express how much I love this relationship? Please don’t ruin it by making it romantic Teen Wolf. I beg you. It is so much more interesting the way it is.

Loving the return of the red hoodie. 

Stiles tells them that Scott is not healing and Allison goes into emergency mode asking what’s wrong with him. Stiles replies with sarcasm: How is he supposed to know he doesn’t have a PHD in lycanthropy. Allison tells Stiles to get Coach Cupcake to stop the bus. Stiles is like easier said than done. Have you ever tried to reason with a crazy person? It’s impossible.

Coach Cupcake is so excited to have found a way to shut Stiles up. 

Stiles tries to reason with Coach Cupcake. Coach Cupcake responds with a whistle. It’s super effective. I recommend Derek get one.

Dylan your face is redonk! 

After Stiles gives up on reason he turns to evil… I’m talking about poor Jared. Stiles slides into the seat next to poor Jared and smiles the creepiest smile I have ever seen. (I keep telling people that Stiles has this inherent capacity for cruelty yet the fandom keeps painting him as this the hero – you’re thinking of Scott).

Kill it with fire!

Cut to everyone running off the bus to escape the vomit. Nice work Stiles. Great plan, I’m not sure Scott would approve though.

PACK FEEEEEEELS - go on without me.

Stiles and Allison carry Scott into the public toilets (and I guess they lock the door behind them because no one bothers them even though it’s a busy rest stop). Allison is the one that actually examines Scott because she’s the only one that’s willing to get her hands dirty (Stiles and Lydia are the brains – Allison is the brawn). After Allison looks at Scott’s wound and comes to the conclusion that it is bad team (kind of mostly) human hold council about possible causes.

Oh Lydia, it must be hard being you. 

As always Lydia has the goods. She thinks it could be psychological… or to be more accurate: Somatoformic. Stiles is like what? Because he does not like it when Lydia out smarts him so she gives it to them in laymen’s terms… it’s all in his head.

Stiles: Because of Derek. He’s not letting himself heal because Derek died.

Super nice that Stiles thought of Derek but at this point I feel the need to point out that no one actually knows that Derek is dead. No one actually thought to check. I mean come on. That dude can survive anything. He’s been shot with a wolf’s bane bullet. Gutted by an Alpha. Electrocuted. Filled with arrows. Shot point blank. Stabbed and then shot some more. As if a bit of a fall is going to kill him. 

Anyway back to Scott’s little problem. Lydia has a solution. She pulls out a portable sewing kit and tells Allison to stitch him up because he just needs to believe that he’s healing and it will work. Again Allison is the one that has to do things but Stiles is squeamish and it was Lydia’s idea.

Allison will kill you in your sleep Stiles if your don't shut up. 

Stiles volunteers to grab Scott’s spare t-shirt because he doesn’t like needles but checks Allison credentials before he leaves. She’s like: I have military training I can totes stitch up a little scratch. Stiles just needs to make sure the bus doesn’t leave without Scott. Lydia’s going to help (by help she means make sure Stiles stays out of Allison’s wauy).

Allison is left alone with Scott. She tries to thread the needle but she can’t because her hands are shaking. She’s losing control because she’s terrified and this is way to much pressure for a 17 year old then suddenly…

Why can't you appear in my dreams you amazing woman? 

MAMA ARGENT! You magnificent woman. I know you’re only a hallucination but I will take anything that I can get. The hallucination/ghost of Mama Argent is here to teach Allison a lesson. Allison is freaking out and spiraling into panic because she can’t thread the needle (those pesky emotions getting in the way again). There’s that internalized misogyny. Allison starts crying and then I start crying and everyone’s crying. Mama Argent tells her to breath. Think about how she has been taught to approach a situation like this: clinically and unemotionally. 

It’s all very well for you Mama Argent but you are dead and Allison is trying to save Scott’s life but Allison takes her mothers advice and breaths. Calming enough the thread the needle and start stitching Scott up.

Nails in my coffin. 

Everything about this scene is beautiful. I love it when Allison has the breakdowns because they add so much depth to her character. This moment was beautifully performed by Crystal Reed. Seriously all the awards. It had me in tears.

Flashback #3: Isaac pulls Scott away from the edge of the hole… like he thinks Scott is going to dive off after Derek.

Right friggin’ now: Scott wakes up saying that it’s all his fault and seriously Scott. Derek basically threw himself into that hole because he’s that kind of dickhead. It is not your fault. And stop saying that!

Derek's dead. Scott is the martyr now.

Flashback #5: Scott’s room. Scott is getting ready to go out. Isaac leans against his doorway. It’s super smooth. He’s clearly up for an afternoon delight but Scott is going out to get some food. Alone. Isaac’s like cool where are we going? Scott is like did I mention alone? Isaac is like what are we getting? Scott’s like ummm Mexican…

He has an actual halo??? 

Isaac: Dude I love Mexican.

Yeah you do! I am seriously disappointed that I do not have the ability to reach into the screen and fist bump Isaac right now. Because I mean come on. Then Scott gives him meaningful look and says: “I can eat alone” and Isaac is all: “we are totally on the same page… you mean sex right?”

Then Isaac is riding on the back of Scott’s motorbike and YAY! They arrive at a creepy abandoned shopping mall (the location of Flashback #3) and seriously how many abandoned buildings does Beacon Hills have? What kind of town just has an abandoned shopping mall just sitting there waiting for supernatural werewolf fights to happen. Okay. It’s actually a pretty neat location so I’ll forgive them this once.

This is nice. Good. SEX! 

Isaac and Scott jump off the bike, they’re just going to talk (yeah that’s going to happen). Isaac looks Scott up and down and Scott’s like what. Isaac’s all, it’s nothing I just thought we were going to have sex.

Right friggin’ now: Allison and Scott exit the bathroom and Lydia joins them. Scott automatically asks about Stiles and screw everyone that thinks that Scott doesn’t care about Stiles. BROTP for life man! Stiles is fine. He’s trying to stop the bus from leaving.

I don't think you're helping at all Lydia. 

Allison is not leaving Scott and Lydia’s like well we’re out of gas so we’re going to have to ditch the car. Allison’s like okay. Sounds like a plan and Lydia is like NO. What? She doesn’t want to go on the puke bus? She was being sarcastic. Do none of these people understand sarcasm but screw it because of course she is going to follow Allison (that’s what best friends do). Going on the puke bus: That’s friendship bitch!

Flashback #3: Deucalion stands above Scott at the abandoned shopping mall. It’s a status thing. He’s disappointed that Scott didn’t come alone. Scott’s like it’s just Isaac. Isaac doesn’t count. But apparently it’s not just Isaac. Derek and his pack are here too and they didn’t come to talk.

DEREK WANTS YOU!
In his pants pack. 

Scott yells at Derek to stop before someone else die but Derek’s focused on killing Deucalion. He’s the only one that’s going to die. Psych! Of course Deucalion didn’t come alone (he used another blind pun to illustrate his point). Kali uses her famous toe nails to slide down a pillar – I think that in different circumstances her and Derek would have gotten along really well. They both like to make ridiculous dramatic entrances. Ennis and the wonder twins are there as well (shirtless of course). They have reached a stale mate… he who makes the first move loses (you know it’s going to be Derek).

That is a nice location. 

Right friggin’ now: Stiles finds Scott, Lydia and Allison. He’s upset about something. He told someone what was happening to Scott and they went after Ethan… Scott’s like was it Boyd? Of course it wasn’t Boyd. There’s only one person that is hot headed and also willing to commit violence in Scott’s honor: Isaac.

You can be my alpha! 

Isaac is beating the shit out of Ethan. Danny tries to pull him off but he’s no match for werewolf strength. Coach is watching in horror because teachers have no rights and are not allowed to do anything in these situations. Ethan actually looks like he’s enjoying it because apparently he’s into that. Scott uses his alpha command voice to stop Isaac but judging by the look on Isaac’s face he probably would have been stopped anyway at the sight of Scott alive and well.

Cora and Peter are outside the animal clinic still searching for Derek. Peter explains that this is not an ordinary animal clinic… the walls are laced with mountain ash and he’s not entirely sure how to get in.

Lets have a slumber party and braid each others hair and then make out a lot.

Cora: Maybe we could do what normal people do and knock on the door?

There’s that trademark Hale humor, dammit Cora I still don’t trust you but I am kind of falling in love with you. I’m okay with it (but pretty please with sugar on top don’t hurt Derek – you can hurt Peter, in fact I actively encourage it). She’s about to go knock on the door when Peter stops her. The alphas are inside.

Inside the clinic Deaton is patching up Ennis when Deucalion walks in. He wants to what the prognosis it. Deaton says it’s surprisingly good… Deucalion is not exactly pleased by this news he places his hand on Ennis and kisses him on both cheeks (Godfather style)… then he crushes Ennis’s skull. Lovely. If we didn’t think Deucalion was evil before, we know now.

GORE!!!!

I will never understand why anyone wants to work with the bad guys – they are clearly going to betray you. That’s what bad guys do. I don’t know why people are surprised when the super-villain they were working for turns around and kills them. It was going to happen.

Outside Cora and Peter are trying to work out if Derek is inside with the Alpha’s when Kali and Aiden come out to express their disappointment that their evil leader killed one of their friends/Kali’s lover.

KHAANNNNNN!

Flashback #3: The stalemate is still on but not for long because Derek attacks (I knew it but I still hoped this time would be different). Kali jumps in before Derek can reach Deucalion (I really hope we get to see him fight eventually because that’s something I need to see). The wonder twins become the super!Alpha and Isaac attacks. Scott roles his eyes and transforms running after Isaac.

Slow motion fighting. Lot’s of growling. Cora down. Scott and Isaac down. Boyd down… basically everyone except Derek has been defeated. This is not going well.

Derek no. What do we say about making decisions? Not today! 

Deucalion tells Derek to kill Boyd in exchange for letting the others go. Derek considers it. Well let’s face it it’s a pretty good deal. 3 for 1? Derek’s beaten and he knows it. Like Deucalion says – sometimes you have to make the tough decisions.

Let me cut your toe nails. Not in a weird way. Okay kind of in a weird way.

Kali looks Derek up and down… she’s like this guy, Duke, seriously? Worst Alpha Ever! All he’s got is a pack of idiot teenagers that won’t even listen to him. But okay he gets a chance… he can rise to the occasion. So what will be Derek? Pack or family? And that’s not fair. He has to choose between Boyd who he is responsible for… and Cora who represents all the hope of his possible future. If I was Derek I would have just sat down and cried.

It's a bird, it's a plane. No it's Allison fucking Argent. 

It’s okay though because ACTUAL SUPERHERO ALLISON ARGENT TO THE RESCUE!!!!!! This legitimately the most badass/arousing thing ever. She just walks in with her bow and arrow like what up bitches I’m here to fuck shit up because I am better than dumb werewolves.

Flashback #6: Allison talks to Papa Argent about the possibility of not pretending that they are out of the hunting business when they clearly aren’t but he would like to continue his stay in denial for a little bit longer. Allison is mad because she already has no family and she’s about to have no friends because she has worked out (like me) that the dumb werewolves are all going to get dead without her help.

Okay but what is that brown sweater?

Allison: With all the family that I’ve lost I could use a few friends.

Flashback #3: Allison is totally fucking the Alpha pack up giving Derek and Scott enough time to regain their composure. 

Not a hunter. A Khaleesi. 

Cora takes Boyd out of there. Scott attacks Ennis. CRASH! They collide and Scott lands on his feet then…

MOTHER FUCKING ALPHA SCOTT!

SCOTT’S EYES FLASH RED! Like Alpha red. Scott is turning into an alpha without inheriting or taking it. Scott is an Alpha because he’s earned it and that is fucking cool. Scott McCall is better than you. Also important to know that the only one that seems to notice Scott’s eyes is Allison.

Derek wants in on the action. He tackles Ennis. They fight (it’s super nice of all the other alphas to just stand on the sidelines and wait their turn). Derek is almost winning – at least it’s pretty evenly matched. Scott rips out the back of Ennis’s knee making him lose balance and sending him and Derek over the edge. Scott can do nothing but watch on in despair.

Right friggin’ now: Back on the bus, Stiles is sitting with Lydia and he looks so happy to have someone to discuss the crazy murders/druid mystery with.

This is the moment that Lydia knows Stiles is not coping. He is not okay.

Some people have accused Stiles of being callous in his reactions this season, like nothing effects him but that’s just not true. You can see by the way he is throwing himself into this mystery to an obsessive extreme that he is not coping. He’s not coping at all and I think Lydia can tell. Up until now she has been dismissing rants – but she actually joins in this time saying adding some ancient cultures sacrifice people in preparation for battle… great we have alpha werewolves against dark druids and all the people we love are caught in the middle.

I love how Lydia's terrified and Stiles is just like hmmm interesting. 

Scott is sitting with Allison. He looks much better (probably because he’s with Allison – you know how that cheers him up).

Allison: You know if he’s really dead. It’s not your fault.

Thank you Allison for being the first one to assume that Derek is not dead. Just another reason she is better than everyone.

Anyway Scott’s like whatever I’m going to blame myself because apparently being a martyr is contagious. Then he makes up for it by saying this…

Scott finally gets it! Allison is the best. 

Scott: But remember that whole thing we talked about where I wasn’t accusing you of being there and if you were there you shouldn’t be?

Kind of…

Scott: Thanks for not listening.

Damn straight Scott! You need Allison on your team and you need to stop treating her like she’s fragile and needs to be protected. She’s amazing and very capable of saving her own (and your) ass.

Deaton is like 300% done with your shit little sister.

At the animal clinic – Ms Morrell covers Ennis’s dead body. Deaton is judging her for getting involved and Ms Morrell says it’s a little late to be playing big brother. So Deaton is Ms Morrell’s big brother? Or are they just close like siblings? Which one of them has a fake name? Or do they both have fake names? I don’t know I am so confused. Can you guys figure this out and get back to me please.

Finally in the school parking lot, Jennifer Blake is leaving school at a regular time – I guess she learnt her lesson about staying late. She’s in the car about to leave when Derek’s bloody hand hits her window. Jennifer stares shocked as Derek collapses to the ground. Jennifer jumps out of the car and stands over Derek’s bloody form unsure of what to do.

Gross Derek. Thanks not hygienic. I hope you clean her car.

This is moment where I make a joke about Derek always passing out in front of people’s cars in the high school parking lot whenever he’s morally wounded… and then I realize. Seriously Teen Wolf? You do realize who was in the car the last time this happened right?

Assuming the parallel was intentional my guess would be it was to show that Derek went to the school to look for Scott. Which makes sense. In “Magic Bullet” he went looking for Scott and didn’t let go and collapse until he saw Stiles because close enough right. But come on guys – you know Sterek is a thing Jeff and I just don’t understand why do you make it harder on yourself and the wonderful Jennifer who I am completely in love with.

Your face is my favourite thing. I love it. And you. Please be my valentine.  (P.S. get it girl). 

I know a few people don’t understand why Derek was in the parking lot but it makes sense to me. He’s injured. He can’t go back to the loft because Deucalion has already attacked him there. He can’t go to Peter or Cora because while they are family he still can’t trust either of them. Every other time he’s been in trouble he’s gone to Scott, and as far as he knows Scott is at school.

Except Scott is not at school – so he sees Jennifer, a woman that let’s face it he has probably been extensively stalking to make sure she’s not going to blab about werewolves. She’s probably not a threat, he obviously likes her, she knows at least something about his situation – and the truth is she is really his only option now that he’s made it all the way to the school to find out that Scott is not there. That makes sense.

Hey I just met you. And this is crazy. But stop me from bleeding out maybe? 

It all makes sense, Jennifer’s face when she saw Derek’s bloody hand was probably the most adorable thing ever but something about this relationship is still bothering me. I was starting to think that I am actually a bitter Sterek shipper when I worked it out. This all comes back to that first meeting. The first meeting between Jennifer and Derek was awful and cliché and everything I was afraid that this storyline would be and everything that comes after it is tainted by that moment

The adorable interaction in last week’s ep and then this week’s little moment were good, great even. I could see myself being sold by this relationship (as long as it doesn’t lapse back into harlequin) but I’m judgmental bitch. I formed a judgment of this relationship based on that first moment and it was that this was your typical hero’s gift/healing vagina storyline. So every time I see these two interact I see them through this preformed idea. THIS IS WHY FIRST MEETINGS ARE SO IMPORTANT PEOPLE!

God Dammit Derek you are such a drama queen! 

It’s so god damn frustrating because I am 100% on team Derek getting laid and I actually think Jenny (we're at that point) is a good match for him. I am also all for more awesome female characters… and can I say again – Derek having sex!  But even the sex is going be tainted by that awful introduction unless they managed to do something in next week’s episode to convince me once and for all that this relationship is not going to play out exactly the way I think it will.

To be continued…