Recapturing Teen Wolf: Killer Ladies and Screaming Girls

Previously on Teen Wolf… There’s something called a darach, it’s sacrificing virgins, healers and warriors. Chris Argent has been tracking it and Lydia is something we just don’t know what.

It’s nighttime and someone’s wandering around the school again… it must be Monday. Oh no it’s the lovely lady deputy that I have grown attached to since she started appearing with the Sheriff. Run away deputy lady, it’s not safe at the school at night. She seems to sense the danger because she puts her hand on her gun. At least she’s going to die fighting.

Oh no, not you! 

There’s a noise… it’s a group of students including Danny. Seriously what is with the people in this town and hanging out at the school after hours?  Apparently the band is there practicing for a recital tomorrow night.

Danny is 100000% done with this supernatural crap he's got music to practice. 

Danny: Why is something wrong?

Of course there’s something wrong Danny, it’s Beacon Hills you hang around with werewolves there is always something wrong. Jesus Danny get with the program. And he does by noticing the lovely lady deputy’s gun.

Danny: There is something wrong isn’t there?

Danny’s like not again with this shit, they really need to rehearse. Turns out someone called 911 about something at the school, which is not suspicious at all but just a precaution the lovely lady deputy sends Danny and his band mates on their way.

The lovely lady deputy tries to radio dispatch but her call is interrupted by creepy druid chanting but instead of using her mobile to call for back up and then waiting for it she decides to continue to investigate. How does one join the law enforcement in this town? Obviously they don’t have a strict hiring policy.

BAMF!

There’s a sound behind her, it’s a body being dragged into a room – the locker room of course. Oh locker room I love you, every time someone enters you they are either going to be violently attacked or see a strip show (personally I think it would be worth the risk). Inside the locker room the lovely lady deputy who is now called Deputy Graham pulls out her gun.

She seems brave but there’s no saving her now. In the shower is a body and that body is Deputy Graham. The Darach is behind her (it is not a pretty sight), and she’s being strangled. She falls dead into the position that we just saw her body in before. Like it was a premonition.

JFC Jeff I know you are a gay man and therefore terrified of vaginas because you think they have teeth or something (IDK my friends have some strange ideas about lady parts) but you have got to stop killing all the women. I know the lovely lady deputy was just a background character but let's face it by the time this season ends there are probably only going to be 3 woman left. You can't afford to lose anymore. I just really love girls Jeff. Give me more girls! 

Scott and Stiles arrive at the school, Scott on his bike and Stiles in his Jeep. Lydia and Allison are waiting for them. It’s the same as the time at the pool, Lydia was heading somewhere else and somehow she ended up and the school.

I love that they are both just done with each other. 

Lydia: And you told me to call you if there was another dead body.

Stiles: You found a dead body?

Lydia: Not yet.

Stiles: Not yet what do you mean not yet? Lydia you’re supposed to call us after you find the dead body.

Lydia: Oh no I’m not doing that again. You find the dead body from now on.

Stiles: How are we supposed to find the dead body? You’re always the one finding the dead body.

There seems to be some kind of competition to see how many times they can say dead body in one conversation and I just love it when these two interact. They bounce of each other so easily because they are so alike. Stiles and Lydia: Supernatural Detectives forever please! Jeff don’t ruin this wonderful relationship by making it romantic. A romance between them brings nothing new to the story, it’s so much more interesting as a friendship. But it’s your story so don’t mind me. I’ll just sit here and cry about wasted potential.

While Stiles and Lydia are bickering like siblings, Scott actually locates the dead body they are talking about. It’s not really very hard to find since it’s right in front of them. Go Scott, four for you!

GORE!

Opening Credits.

At school the next day Stiles uses his stealth skills to watch his father talking to a couple of what I can only assume are teachers but who knows with this school, they could just be random strangers that have wandered in off the street. The Sheriff spots Stiles despite his best attempts to hide behind his backpack.

That's like covering your eyes and saying if I can't see you, you can't see me. 

The Sheriff wants Stiles to stop worrying about things that are none of his business. Stiles does not think that is very good idea because people are dying and he knows there’s a pattern even if the Sherriff won’t believe him. I wonder why he doesn’t believe you Stiles, it might be because you have been lying to him for over 6 months.

Stiles is just upset because he knew the lovely lady deputy, her name was Tara and she used to help him with his homework. Now Jeff I don’t want to hate you but not only did you just kill off a WOC you also made Stiles upset and that is just unacceptable. The Sheriff tells him not to worry half the state, including the FBI is coming in on this – why is that not reassuring me?

At the Argent Apartment Allison is in bed. She’s pretending to be the weak emotional girl that is bed ridden because she can’t handle anything and Chris is pretending to believe it. Good to see that these two are back to their usual withholding selves because that always works out so well for them.

You both know you're lying to each other but you keep lying! WHYYYY???

Chris: Take as many days as you need. School can wait.

Okay so I’m not an expert on the whole parenting thing but I’m pretty sure that’s the opposite of what you are supposed to say. It doesn’t matter because Allison is not listening anyway. She’s out of bed as soon as the door closes and in her closet to grab one of the knives she has stashed in there.

I kind of had to. 

There’s a noise, from the window. Allison takes her knife and makes her way slowly towards the window, reaches through it grabbing Isaac and pulling him into the room before knocking him to the ground and straddling him… and yup I’m pretty sure I’ve read this fan fiction (only Scott was there too).

Scott sent him to check up on her because she wasn’t at school and that pretty much sums up why Scott and Allison aren’t together anymore. As long as he sees her as someone that needs to be protected she’s never going to forgive him. Isaac on the other hand, doesn’t think Allison needs any help in the protection department.

This is all kinds of hot and I won't hear anything else. 

Allison: I can take care of myself.

Isaac: Yeah, I’ve noticed… more than one.

Jennifer Blake’s feet are becoming a character in themselves this season. There could be a deeper significance to that or maybe the director has a foot fetish, we’ll find out soon enough. Jennifer’s talking about idioms, analogies, metaphors and similes… Lydia is drawing a tree again. 

Jennifer: I hear you've got skills?

Jennifer: Lydia, I wasn’t aware you had so many hidden talents.

Lydia: You and every guy I’ve ever dated.

Lydia: If you're talking about sexual skills the answer is yes.

Hey kids, if you want the PC interpretation of that statement then you really shouldn’t be reading this recap. Jennifer is visibly flustered as she would be because Lydia basically just told her she has awesome sex skills… if someone doesn’t write my a teacher/student detention fic featuring these two I will be so disappointed in you fandom.

Jennifer: Idioms are something of a secret to the people who know the language or culture.

Oh that’s right, we’re in class, which means spanking would be frowned upon right at this moment (maybe later though). Jennifer gives Scott and Stiles a knowing looking as she explains about idioms. Just to let them know she is aware of the whole werewolf thing. Also there is a reference to chess, which Stiles gets and then Jennifer smiles at him and hey lady keep it in your pants these are children – save it for the fan fiction I am currently writing in my head (sorry, I’m not sorry for wanting Jennifer to have sex with everyone).

Scott: There's still good in him, I can sense it. 

Anyway Scott and Stiles decide to have yet another loud conversation about the supernatural in the middle of a crowded classroom. Scott thinks he can get to Ethan (because he recognizes a the goodness in him). Plus he’s been thinking – emissaries are druids right? So what if the Darach is the emissary for the Alpha pack – meaning he thinks its Morrell.

Stiles: Okay first of all I cannot believe we’ve gotten to the point there a sentence like – what if the Darach was an emissary to the Alphas? Actually makes sense to me.

You and me both Stiles, you and me both. I have no idea when this became my life but I must have done something awful in a past life. Also there is a flaw in Scott’s plan to talk to Ethan… they have to get through his twin brother.

Ethan and Aiden are at their lockers have a little brother discussion. Aiden wants Ethan to stop seeing Danny. Ethan doesn’t see what the big deal is.

Still thinking about the penis question from the Q&A 

Aiden: We’re here to eliminate a threat not hold hands and pass notes in class.

Ethan’s all, Danny’s not a threat so I should be able to hold hands and pass notes with him if I want. Aiden does not agree. He wants to know if Deucalion asked would Ethan be able to kill Danny.

Ethan: If Deucalion asks you would you kill me?

And wow does this mean that Ethan loves Danny as much as he loves his brother because that is a big deal. Also we didn’t really get an answer out of Aiden – would he kill his brother if he was asked to? Is this foreshadowing? Is Deucalion going to pit Ethan and Aiden against each other? Who knows? Okay so quite a few people know, but you don’t know so that’s all that matters. Well I guess you could know, but it doesn’t matter because speculation is way more fun than the truth anyway.

Stop flirting with your brother Aiden! 

Aiden: Stop talking to Danny or I’m gonna rip the flesh off his face and eat it.

Damn Aiden, the Hales are kicking themselves for not thinking of that one.

Yes Lydia they want to use you again. Just say no. 

Back in class Scott and Stiles are trying to figure out how to get Ethan away from Aiden so they can talk to him. A light blub flashes above their heads and they turn to face Lydia… she’s sighs and asks what they need from her this time. 

Lydia is super mad that her sex session has been interrupted for a feelings discussion,

Cut to Aiden and Lydia making out in the coaches office again. Except this time their hearts don’t seem to be in it. Probably because Aiden is at least somewhat responsible for Boyd’s death (although he insists it was all Kali and it only happened because Derek started it by killing Ennis – who was actually killed by Deucalion). Also Aiden knows that Derek tried to kill Lydia when they thought she was the kanima before Lydia can question Aiden about this knowledge someone draws a spiral into the window of the door.

It’s probably Derek right? It has to be Derek because who else is going to be that needlessly over dramatic.

Speaking of needless dramatics, Scott and Stiles are confronting Ethan in the stairwell. Ethan doesn’t understand why they want to talk to him – he did help kill their friend… and that’s a pretty big difference between him and his brother. Ethan accepts responsibility, Aiden flat out refuse to admit any part in it insisting that it wasn’t him and even if it was him it wouldn’t have been his fault.

Scott, you might want to watch Stiles, that threat was oddly specific.

Stiles: Is he looking at me? Are you threatening me? You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna break off and extra large branch of mountain ash, wrap it in wolf’s bane, roll it in mistletoe and shove it up you…

Oh my god Stiles that is possibly my favorite thing you have ever said and I am loving your rapid decent into madness. One day soon you are going to snap and just start killing people and it will be marvelous. Scott stops Stiles before he can complete his threat because he wants to talk it out. And it makes me wonder if they have practiced their good cop/bad cop routine or if it just comes naturally to them.

Scott can tell that Ethan is a good guy because it takes one to know one but Ethan is not so sure about his goodness on account of his tragic backstory. He and his brother were omegas, which as Stiles so eloquently puts it, makes them the bitches of the pack. Their Alpha was evil but they didn’t know how to control vultron-wolf so they couldn’t do anything about it. That’s where Deucalion comes in. He teaches the twins how control their superwolf form and in exchange they do whatever he wants. Also they killed their pack and tore their alpha to shreds… literally.

Oh and all the emissaries are dead except for Deucalion’s who is Morrell (except maybe they are not all dead, what if one survived? They would be pretty mad. Maybe even mad enough to go dark). Suddenly Ethan clutches his chest… he’s not hurt but his brother is.

ANGER is her only emotion!

Aiden walks through the locker room shouting for Derek to come out and fight. Lydia tries to stop him she even threatens to scream (which is not a good thing). Aiden is attacked but it’s not Derek, it’s Cora. She starts shredding Aiden to pieces but soon enough he regains control and starts fighting back. He quickly gets the upper hand because he’s an Alpha. Also Derek doesn’t care about Aiden so there is no point in hurting him because everything that happens on this show MUST give Derek mangst.

Aiden hits Cora with a giant weight knocking her out, both Lydia and Stiles rush to her aid (this may or may not be because they are both in love with her). Scott and Ethan hold Aiden back. Ethan reminds him that Kali gave Derek until the full moon, which apparently means they are not allowed to hurt any of his pack (well that’s convenient). There’s some weird eye contact between Lydia and Aiden that I don’t really understand – are we supposed to think there is something more than sex there? Because I’m not buying it.

Stiles focus, girl down! 

Back at the Argent Apartment, Allison is explaining her suspicions about her father to Isaac. She thinks he might be the Darach, but she hopes he’s not, which is nice.

Isaac: You hope he isn’t the serial killing dark druid who has been slashing throats?

Oh Isaac, you are a sarcastic bastard and fandom’s mischaracterization of you as helpless puppy will always annoy me. Allison ignores Isaac’s sarcasm and shows him the map. There are still five marks where bodies will be found they just need to figure out where the next one is.  Isaacs steps backwards and when Allison asks why he tells her that it’s something his dad said. As much as I hate that bastard I really love the way Isaac talks about his father, because ultimately after everything he’s the only father he’s known.

Damaged people unite! 

Isaac: Take a step back look at the whole picture. Sometimes you see things you wouldn’t notice if you were up close where all your looking at are the details.

Allison steps back and I’ll admit it, I haven’t been entirely sold on the possibility of a romance between these two but the more I see them interact the more I like it. Because Allison desperately wants someone to see her as more than a victim, as more than a damsel that needs to be protected. Although their hearts are in the right place both Chris and Scott see Allison as someone that needs to be shielded from danger (they are both getting better). Isaac doesn’t see that. Isaac see’s Allison as a formidable foe. He sees her as dangerous. When he said he’d noticed that she could take care of herself, he meant it. On the other side, Allison is one of the only people that doesn’t see Isaac as someone that is broken and needs to be fixed. It’s growing on me.  

She's worried that if she does have sex with him he'll cry afterwards about betraying Scott.

After taking a step back to look at the whole picture Allison notices something strange under the map. On the table below is a five-fold knot. The Celtic symbol we learned about last week. Using a black-light they can see the words written in to each of the circles, there are two left, guardians and philosophers.

Tis just a flesh wound.

Back in the locker room Cora is not okay, despite was she says because she is still bleeding out of her head and when she tries to move she almost faints. That’s pretty much the definition of not okay, Lydia agrees. Stiles decides that it’s a good time to point out exactly how stupid it was for Cora to attack an Alpha werewolf without any back up. Cora just roles her eyes because she’s a Hale, duh.

And we kind of forgive her because she did it for Boyd and no one else is doing anything, or even mentioning him, at all (remember Boyd, he died). Scott insists they are trying but Cora’s like yeah well you’re failing. Just a bunch of teenagers running around thinking they can stop people from getting hurt when all they really do is find the bodies. Ouch Cora, also aren’t you a teenager as well and it’s super nice that you’re sad Boyd died but that might have meant something if we had IDK actually seen you guys have a conversation. And Cora out.

If no one else is calling dibs, Stiles wants this one.

Stiles: She’s definitely a Hale… I’ll make sure she gets home.

PCA if you think Stiles likes either Cora or Derek than you think he likes both because he constantly lumps them together. Stiles runs off after Cora because apparently he’s decided it’s his job to comfort the Hale’s now (well it’s not like anyone else is going to do it).

If I was left to my own devices this entire recap would just be pictures of your face.

Jennifer’s feet again, sometimes I love this show for it’s lack of subtly, other times it makes me want to pull my own hair out. She stops – standing ahead of her is Derek. For a moment she looks scared, then relieved and oh yeah that’s right we’re back in this harlequin romance again. She runs towards Derek and jumps into his arms as a slow pop song begins to rise. They kiss and I vomit.

No Derek! Don't smile! It means terrible things are going to happen.

Jennifer: Where the hell have you been? And don’t say that you needed to be alone for a while because that’s the single worst excuse ever.

Of course he needed to be alone for a while – he has manpain Jennifer! Everyone knows that when you suffer from an acute case of manpain after a good old-fashioned fridging you need to be alone and brood for a while. JFC what harlequin novel are you modeling this romance on Jennifer? Obviously not a very good one.

Screw it. Something bad is going to happen anyway. 

There’s some cute dialogue about Derek knowing Jennifer was safe (which suggests he was stalking her, which is not cool but also very Derek). And then the bell rings and Derek suggests Jennifer ditch school and go back to his place for a little afternoon delight but she can’t because she has responsibilities. Like the memorial concert she organized for that evening that everyone is talking about because of that thing I said about Teen Wolf and subtly.

Aside from everything else it’s nice to see Derek all gross and lovely and smiley (even if it does turn out to be fake). It’s a look I would like to see more of in the future – before it is ripped from him in the most tragic was possible (because I still love my mangst, there just needs to be some happy moments to make the mangst mean something).

*sings* she put a spell on you *sings*

Jennifer walks away in slow-mo with a wind machine and I swear to goodness 90% of this relationship has been in slow motion. Teen Wolf you have a problem. Just ease up on the slow-mo and you might have some time for that much needed character development that you have been ignoring for this whole season.

In the guidance office Ms Morrell is working her day job as guidance councilor and occasional French teacher. Her door opens and she’s all you don’t have an appointment.

That was a Buffy worthy pun Scott, well done.

Scott: You sure because I could use a little guidance right now. 

Tell him Stiles. It's for the best. Then I can stop yelling at you. 

Allison calls Stiles, who is driving Cora home, to tell him about the new categories of sacrifices. Because of the lovely lady deputy’s death Allison thinks that the next 3 sacrifices will be guardians, as in law enforcement, as in Stiles dad. The time has finally come, Stiles needs to tell his dad and he’s going to bring Cora along for help.

In the guidance office Morrell is being her usual cryptic self. She wants to know why Scott is wasting his time with her when someone’s about to die. Scott’s like, yeah because you’re going to kill them. Smooth Scott.

Nailed it. 

Morrell: Shouldn’t you leave the interrogations to someone like Stilinski?

Uh no, have you seen Stiles interrogate people? It’s scary. That dudes like a hairs breath away from snapping and becoming a murderer himself he should not be left alone with the general populous.

Morrell tells Scott to listen to her heartbeat – and she tells him that she is not the one killing people. In fact she’s been trying to stop the killing by holding the Alpha’s a bay. Of course she said that with a pun about leashes and biting or something because this is Teen Wolf. Deucalion wants a true Alpha in his pack and he thinks it’s Scott.

So attracted to you when you get all righteous Scott - this is a new kink for me.

Scott stands up hands on the table and insist that he is a not an alpha! But he might be on the way to becoming one. Then things get a bit confusing because Deucalion both wants Scott as a true Alpha and he wants to destroy him. He wants to turn Scott into a killer, if Scott kills someone he can’t be a true Alpha.

Morrell: You want the psychologist’s perspective. He’s an obsessive who both desires you and is threatened by you. If the obsessive can’t have the object of his desire, he’ll choose to destroy it instead.

Suddenly it all makes sense! Jeff is obsessed with Derek and he can’t have Derek so he’s decided to destroy him by rendering his character unredeemable through excessive application of manpain.

Morrell: You’re playing his game and while you’re trying to figure out what to do next he’s thinking ten movies ahead with checkmate already in sight.

I've made a huge mistake. 

Scott exits the office and stares at the camera in despair… slow-mo zoom of doom. One day I am going to snap and go running down the street naked screaming about excessive use of slow motion and it will be all Teen Wolf’s fault.

In a classroom a random teacher who we have never seen before and is probably wearing a red shirt is writing notes on the blackboard about WWI. He turns around and when he turns back his notes are gone and have been replaced by the Celtic five-fold knot. The teacher drops his chalk (more slow-mo) and it roles away until it reaches a ladies shoe.

I bet he's wondering how he can fit the symbol into his lesson. 

It’s Lydia, she picks up the chalk walks into the classroom and draws the number 2 in the symbol on the blackboard. She then screams like a…

How does your face even when like that? 

A little while later Lydia is in the same classroom with Jennifer, some other teachers and what I can only assume are campus security. Lydia is trying to explain that they need to call the police because someone is about to get murdered but she basically sounds like a crazy person – except you would think Jennifer would believe her now that she’s in on all things werewolves.

My general face when thinking about the continuity on this show. 

Lydia is still trying to get them to listen because this guy is gone as in taken. The last time a teacher didn’t turn up to class it was Mr Harris and has anyone seen or heard from him lately? Nope because he’s dead. Lydia eventually gets so frustrated she yells – her and Stiles are so alike and I love it.

Lydia: I’m psychic.

Jennifer: You’re psychic?

Lydia: I’M SOMETHING!

She wants 2 flowers.

You certainly are something Lydia don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Scott and Ethan are there as well – Scott’s just checking up on Lydia because he’s a good dude, also they need to figure out the pattern because a deputy and a teacher, that doesn’t make sense.

Like ripping an band-aid off Stiles. 

In Stiles room, Stiles is pacing back and forth as his father looks increasingly annoyed that his son is taking so much of his time when there are people getting murdered. Stiles is like well actually that’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about, you know how you have kind of been failing at your job for a while now well that’s kind because me and my band of misfit teenage friends (and a couple of creepy adults) have been keeping key information from you. Whoops. Instead of just starting with werewolves are real and pointing to Cora Stiles decides to pull out a chessboard because this wasn’t complicated enough already.

Super mad her dad's murder spree interrupted her afternoon of sexcapades with Isaac. 

At the Argent Apartment Allison is pissed on account of she’s pretty sure her father is a murderer and now she’s going to have to kill him. This is why everyone needs to communicate better because when Allison doesn’t have all the facts she tends to jump to conclusions and her first instinct is to kill it. Don’t get me wrong, Allison is a amazing and she does not have to apologize for her actions, I’m just saying her actions would have been different if certain people trusted her enough to give her all the facts. Her and Derek are a lot alike in that way.

Anyway before she can stab her dad a bunch of times she needs to figure out where he is and they do that with all that nonsense about the telluric currents (which doesn’t really fit all the time but we’re going to pretend it does because they said so). 

Back to Stiles trying and failing to explain werewolves to his father… and I am just going to post the entire thing because I am almost positive I have had this exact same conversation while trying to explain Teen Wolf to people that have not seen it. 

Werewolves! 

Sheriff: Scott and Derek are werewolves?

Stiles: Yes.

Sheriff: And Kate Argent was a werewolf?

Stiles: Hunter. It’s the purples hunter.

Cora: Along with Allison and her father?

Sheriff: Yup. And my friend Deaton, the veterinarian is a Kanima

Stiles: What? No, no, no, no, no. He’s a druid okay? Well we think.

Sheriff: So who’s the Kanima?

Stiles: Jackson.

Sheriff: No Jackson’s a werewolf.

Stiles: Jackson was the Kanima first and then Peter and Derek killed him and he came back to life as a werewolf now he’s in London.

Sheriff: Who’s the durach?

Stiles: It’s darach.

Cora: We don’t know yet.

Stiles: We don’t know yet.

Sheriff: But you know he was killed by werewolves.

Stiles: Slashed up and left for dead?

Cora: We think.

Sheriff: Why was Jackson the Kanima?

Stiles: Because sometimes the shape that you take reflects the person that you are.

Sheriff: And what shape would an increasingly confused and angrier by the second father take?

Stiles: That would be more of an expression like the one you’re currently wearing.

Werewolves?

There is so much to say about this conversation that I’m not even sure where to start. Oh wait I know how about with the throw away line about the darach being someone that was attacked by werewolves. WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT COME FROM? Now I don’t have the time to go back and watch every previous episode but I’m pretty sure I would remember something that significant. When did Stiles figure that out? Last we knew they thought it was Morrell. Either they are purposely fucking with us and this is just another in a long line of hints about this season or they cut an important scene and thought no one would notice. I want to believe it’s the first one but this is Teen Wolf.

The more episodes I see the more I think that half the story has been left on the cutting room floor. Where was Cora and Derek’s reunion? What happened to Erica’s body? Also Boyd’s body? How did everyone find out Derek was alive? When did Isaac and Boyd forgive Derek enough to want to help him fight the Alphas? When did Cora explain where she has been for the last 6 years? When did Stiles and Cora become friends? I feel like someone has been messing with my memories and it’s very confusing.

She rolled her eyes so hard she passed out. 

Anyway back to the actual conversation, which is perfect by the way apart from the random introduction of new information. It’s just so wonderful watching the Sheriff desperately try to understand his son who sounds like a crazy person going on about werewolves and druids. Eventually it’s too much, he makes to leave and Stiles begs him to stay because he can prove it. He tells Cora to stand up and show his father but before she can shift she passes out. I knew he should have opened with that.

Allison and Isaac pull up outside yet another abandoned building (seriously what is with this town and abandoned buildings). Allison looks totally ready to kill her father and that is a big deal. I just love Allison’s journey, she’s grown so much since Season 1 (probably the most of all the main characters). Isaac thinks they should call Scott, not because he doesn’t think Allison can handle herself but because he looks genuinely scared of her. Allison ignores him, why would she call Scott? Scott never calls her.

Sass levels: extreme! 

Isaac: Oh this is so not gonna end well.

They enter the abandoned building through the front door because stealth is not a thing in this show (why sneak around when you can punch through walls?).

My fave part of this relationship is that Isaac is both scared and aroused by Allison.

Isaac: FYI if your dad tries to kill me I’m gonna defend myself.

Allison: If my dad tries to kill you you’ll be dead.

Seriously the more these two interact the more I love their no bullshit, straight up, banter. Isaac smells something, it’s blood but he can’t work out where the smell is coming from because he’s not that good at this yet. I don’t know maybe it’s coming from the guy who is being strangled at the other end of the hallway you’re standing in.

The darach is there, Allison launches herself forward until she hears someone call for her to get down. Enter BAMF and total DILF Chris Argent and this is the only time slow motion is acceptable Teen Wolf. You may use slow-mo when Chris Argent is walking and firing guns and wearing a thigh holster and I can’t handle this I have to go have a cold shower.

Chris Argent could get it. No doubt about it. 

Can we have a moment on silence for what an awesome plot twist it would have been if Chris Argent had turned out to be the darach? Because that would have been so cool.

The darach gets away and the teacher is dead. They were wrong it’s not guardians as in law enforcement, it’s philosophers as in teachers. Allison calls Scott and then Scott calls Stiles and I can’t express how happy it makes me to see these guys working together as team. It’s so amazing! Stiles thinks the philosophers makes sense because the Deputy Tara used to be a teacher.

This presents them with a problem though because it could target any teacher next and their all heading home. Except they are not. All the teachers are heading to the school for the memorial recital organized by none other than Ms Jennifer Blake.

Murder at a memorial concert? At least the darach has a sense of humor. 

Allison is mad at her dad (I’m a poet and I totally know it). Chris has been tracking the darach this whole time without telling her. Chris is mad because he would have caught the darach if Allison hadn’t ruined the whole thing, which is not fair because Allison has lots of reasons not to trust Chris and Chris was the one that kept insisting on honesty and insisting they stay away from hunting. Isaac thinks that maybe they should hold off on the family drama for a moment on account of someone is about to be killed.

Pretty sure Isaac would give Chris a go too. But who can blame him. 

At the hospital Stiles is still trying to convince his dad that he’s telling the truth. No wonder the Sheriff doesn’t believe him. Not only does it sound insane but Stiles has been lying to his father for months. They are not in a trusting place right now and it’s going to take a huge leap of faith for the Sheriff to trust Stiles on this one.

Both of you need to stop being so stubborn!

Sheriff: Stiles I have seen a lot of things I can’t explain in this town. That doesn’t make them supernatural and it doesn’t make them real.

This is so hard to watch because you can see both the Sheriff and Stiles hearts breaking. The Sheriff wants to believe Stiles and Stiles wants his dad to believe but they are cut from the same rug, which means they are just getting increasingly frustrated because the other person just refuses to understand. It all culminates when the Sheriff finally yells at his son – something we have not seen him do.

Sheriff: I AM LISTENING I HAVE BEEN LISTENING!

Stiles: You just don’t believe.

The Sheriff turns to leave before he says something he regrets but then Stiles hits him with the one thing he knows will be 100% effective.

Someone call the Sheriff... I can't get off the floor! 

Stiles: Mom would’ve believed me.

That is a low blow Stiles but it will do the trick. It’s the one constant in their relationship. The one thing they never talk about. So if one of them brings it up you know this is a big fucking deal. The Sheriff can’t ignore him now. God damn there are way too many feelings I am having about the Stilinski men, it’s not healthy.

At the school people are filing into the hall – in slow motion of course – Jennfier is greeting everyone as they enter.

Assholes. 

Ethan is fixing Danny’s tie and it’s so sickeningly domestic that it’s starting to thaw my frozen insides which is not a good thing because I don’t want to care about things. When I care about things I end up crying in the middle of the night about fictional characters (oh wait that’s already my life). Ethan fiddles with Danny’s hair and they smile at each other and god damn it why did you have to be so cute. The moments ends on a somber tone though.

Ethan: If anything happens, find me okay? Find me first.

At this stage I’m not sure what the best option is for you when shit hits the fan Danny. Probably just run as fast as you can. But if that’s not an option, I’m pretty sure Ethan would die protecting you so that’s something. Of course there is still the problem of Ethan’s twin brother. Who is watching the exchange, while Scott is watching Aiden, until Lydia joins him.

Holland Roden has chemistry with everyone.

Scott: I thought you were going home?

Lydia: I can’t. I don’t know why I’m the one that keeps finding the bodies but maybe if I just stop trying to fight it I’d find them before it happens. Maybe with enough time for someone like you to do something about it.

Scott: You get me the time and I will do something about it, I swear to god.

This is such a big moment for Lydia because she has been trying to ignore everything since she found out the truth. She actually reminds me of Scott in Season 1. She knows there is something going on with her but she’s determined not to let if effect her life in anyway. She is going carry on as normal and only deal with her problem when it is right in front of her. But she’s starting to realize that she can’t do that. She can’t just sit back and let people die because she doesn’t want to be a part of this. Lydia has always been an essentially selfish character (it’s one of the things I love about her) and this is the most selfless thing she has ever said. This is the first time she has decided that what she wants doesn’t matter as much as saving someone’s life. She can help people so she should at least try.

Oh no you guys I think I am really shipping this... like a lot.

Lydia takes Scott’s hand in hers and squeezes and I have to say that this is not a relationship I have ever really considered but when I think it about it, it’s actually a really intriguing idea. Even as a friendship it makes a lot of sense for all the reasons I said above. Lydia and Scott are so different – their philosophies are pretty much opposite but they have been moving towards each other. Scott is learning to think logically rather than just following his heart all the time and Lydia is starting to realize that sometimes you have to do what’s right even if it isn’t logical. They could really compliment each other. Yes Teen Wolf, let’s develop this relationship further please.

Fuck you Hoechlin - when did you learn expressions? 

At the hospital Derek is sitting beside an unconscious Cora and my goodness Hoechlin are those tears in your eyes? Why did you have to learn how to act? Asshole. I was perfectly fine just looking at your face but now you are making me feel things and it’s becoming a problem. Cora’s eyes open and Derek looks so vulnerable.

Cora: What’s happening to me?

Derek: I don’t know. But I’m not leaving okay. Not again.

He kisses her forehead and while I’m feeling things because I love Derek I can’t help but think that this scene would be so much more emotional if we had actually seen Derek and Cora’s relationship develop. It would have only taken a couple of scenes (one of them being a reunion scene where they both deal with the whole OMG you’re alive thing) but as it is now we have seen more interaction between Stiles and Cora than we have between Cora and Derek. It also might help if we understood Cora as better as an individual character. I know we have projected a lot onto her because she’s a Hale but we have no idea what she wants and it’s kind of frustrating.

Outside in the hospital halls the Sheriff is flirting with talking to Melissa McCall (I love that this is the one ship the whole fandom can agree on). The Sheriff is following Stiles lead, even though he’s clearly still skeptical but he has to because Stiles pulled the mom card. He’s looking for the files of someone that was attacked by animals about 10 years ago.

Is it really childish if I draw hearts around them?

Melissa: If this is about the murders you’d need a court order for that.

The Sheriff face palms questioning his life choices again – he can’t get a court order to look into a lead that comes from his sons insistence that the murders are supernatural.

Melissa: Or someone like me that’s willing to bend the rules for a handsome face.

NOW KISS!

Damn Mama McCall you got game! That was smooth as all hell and you guys need to get married already and then Scott and Stiles will be actual brothers and everything will be rainbows and sprinkles. (Also when you both retire you can start up a supernatural detective agency in competition to Stiles and Lydia).

Back at the school the recital has begun – Danny plays the trumpet in case you were wondering * insert-your-own-innuendo-here *. Lydia gets a message from Aiden, he wants to talk, he say’s it’s life or death and Lydia believes him.

Well this is going to be awkward... or it could be awesome! 

Scott doesn’t notice Lydia leave he’s too busy watching Allison and Isaac arrive together. Allison gives Scott a nod in greeting and Isaac looks like he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I know Jeff said this wasn’t going to be a love triangle but it looks like it’s either that or a threesome. You know me I’m firmly on team threesome but I’m not sure MTV is ready for that.

Back in the hospital the supernatural detective parents are working together to figure out who the darach is. Melissa found a patient just like the one the Sheriff described. Found in the woods covered in slash marks but that’s not even the weird part. Something happened at the same time that was even stranger.

The parents of Beacon Hills are better than you! 

Birds, hundreds of them, slammed into the building while the patient was struggling for life. Almost like they were sacrificing themselves. That sounds awfully familiar.

Melissa: For what?

Sheriff: Not what, who?

Welcome into the world of the supernatural Sheriff Stilinski. We are glad to have you but please don’t die. I’m serious. Watch out. Use someone as a human shield if you have to (I suggest Derek he’s pretty hard to kill and he has such low self esteem he’d probably enjoy being used as a shield).

Aiden can’t find his phone so who was it that texted Lydia. Lydia wanders through the school alone at night and I give up. There is no use even trying with these people because they just keep doing it even though it never ends well. I’m trying not to take it personally but it’s hard okay.

Sometimes when Lydia is in danger I have to leave the room for like 20 mins to calm down.

Lydia finds herself in their English classroom, the same room that was attacked by birds at the beginning of the season. The chanting starts and there’s a voice from the shadows. The darach is JENNIFER! She knocks Lydia over the head and smiles at the camera.

Hello lovely lady murderous! Let's kill some people. 

I’m shocked! Are you shocked? Well okay no one is shocked because there were only a few options that really made sense and poor Jennifer was either going to be the darach or she was going to be fridged for Derek after the most awful romantic subplot ever. So evil is better. Plus my second favorite thing ever is female murderers (second only to damages popular girls). I just love my a lady murderer so just when I thought I couldn’t love Jennifer anymore she’s now killing people it’s like a dream come true.

Sure it was pretty obvious, most of the fandom guessed that Jennifer was the darach (a lot of that actually comes from the internalized misogyny in fandom where any ‘love interests’ of popular male character – especially one part of a slash ship – are hated and assumed to have nefarious intentions). But like I said, the way her story was going she had to be evil or else she was just a sexist cliché that was destined to die. She’s still probably going to die though, because unlike their male counterparts, female villains must be punished for their actions.

Let's be real here for a minute. How many people do I have to sacrifice to keep Jennifer? It can't be that hard. Gerard Argent is impossible to kill and you brought Peter Hale back from the dead. Surely you can figure out a way to keep Jennifer around. You just need to neutralise the threat she poses to a certain extent (like taking away Peter's alpha powers and making Gerard leak black goo). Then she can hang around and be like the female equivalent to Peter (think of all Derek mangst). I'm serious about the sacrifices. I will start with you if I have to Jeff. 

This wasn't in the program.

Back in the hall everyone is starting to freak out because the band is playing the soundtrack from The Dark Knight Rises oh no wait that’s the druid chant. Stiles and Scott run outside to look for Lydia because she’s not answering her phone.

Of course she’s not answering her phone, she’s being held captive by Jennifer – who is the darach and as such has had a complete personality switch from bumbling cutie to venomous bitch (because all female villains have to act like seductresses).

Jennifer I love you but if you make Lydia bleed again we're gonna have words.

Lydia: What are you doing?

Jennifer: What’s necessary. I’m still surprised none of you seem to get that. You call them sacrifices but you’re not understanding the word. It’s derived from the latin sacrficim, an offering to a deity, a sacred right, a necessary evil.

Lydia begs Jennifer to stop but Jennifer just starts to tighten the garret around her neck. Lydia’s not a sacrifice, she’s just a girl who knew too much. (Teen Wolf, can I say that I respect the fact that you title drop in every episode. It’s super cheesy but still kind of endearing).

*screams like a banshee* I knew it *screams like a banshee*

Then Lydia screams and it’s not just a regular scream. It’s a Lydia scream. It hits all of her pack. Scott, Isaac, Ethan, Aiden and even Derek (who does a love dramatic head turn – there’s the Hoechlin I know and love). Jennifer is shocked, fascinated and kind of aroused.

Jennifer: Unbelievable, you have no idea what you are do you? The wailing woman. A banshee right before my eyes. You’re just like me Lydia, looking like the innocent flower, be the serpent under it. 

No no no, don't cry Lydia! Pleas don't cry. 

Well done fandom, you guys called this one from pretty early on. I like the idea of Lydia being a banshee – although there are a lot of different interpretations of the myth so it will be interesting to see which aspects they add to the mythology of the show. I do like that they are focusing on the wail – the scream. Because Lydia has spent most of her time on this show screaming it would just be such a validation for her to be able to turn that into a weapon. That idea just kind of makes me want to jump for joy – it’s such a feminine image, a screaming woman – making that the way she defends herself is fantastic. 

GORE!!!!!

Jennifer straps Lydia to the chair. She just needs one more philosopher and apparently she doesn’t even have to be there to do it. Back in the hall where the band is still playing the creepy druid music a piano string breaks and rips the throat out of the teacher playing it. Everyone screams, Danny looks mildly concerned (those damn werewolves again) and Allison runs towards the body to investigate.

Don't be a hero Sheriff! 

Jennifer is about to finish Lydia off (oh yeah I went there) when the Sheriff turns up because he’s a big damn hero and apparently he didn’t listen to my speech about not getting killed. He’s pointing a gun a Jennifer, she just smiles like she’s pleased to see him. She throws a knife that hits the Sheriff in the shoulder! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Luckily it doesn’t look like it hit any vital organs.

Those are some Neo moves Jenny. 

That’s when Scott arrives, wolfed out and the Sheriff can’t pretend that Stiles was lying anymore. Werewolves are definitely real. Scott attacks Jennfier but she uses some Matrix-style slow motion moves to dodge him and then knocks Scott out of the way as though he was as light as a feather.

Oh Stiles. 

Stiles turns up but Jennifer uses her druid powers to push the desk against the door and stop Stiles from getting in. He’s left helpless on the outside – a brilliant representation of all of Stiles greatest fears. Think about how many times he’s had that nightmare.

The Sheriff is alone. He tells Jennifer that he knows who she is, he knows she was the girl in the woods.

Jennifer: Maybe I should have started with philosophers, with knowledge and strategy.

That probably would have been the smart thing to do but that’s the benefit of hindsight. The Sheriff shoots Jennifer in the leg and it heals right in front of our eyes.

Jennifer: Healers.

Oh I get it, each of the sacrifices gave her something. Philosophers gave her knowledge, healers gave her the ability to heal and warriors gave her super strength. When she says guardians she crushes The Sheriff’s badge suggesting that he is the final sacrifice (but that could be a red herring).

I legitimately don't know who I am more jealous of right now. 

Then Jennifer says virgins and kisses the Sheriff revealing her true face – the face of the darach. That is kind problematic because it suggests that Jennifer got her youth and beauty from the virgins, which is pretty gross. Also the kiss appears to hypnotize the Sheriff – which brings a whole new level of wrong to what happened between Derek and Jennifer (please don’t have it turn out that she like date raped him because that’s just not on). Can’t it be that she’s evil but she also just kind of wanted all up on Derek and it happened and yeah she lied to him but it was totally consensual. No of course not, what was I thinking? All evil women must use sex as a weapon.

Fuck no. Don't talk to me.

Stiles finally pushes through the door but it’s too late, Jennifer is gone and she’s taken the Sheriff with her. And I’m pretty sure I have explained on several occasions that you are not allowed to hurt the Sheriff Jeff? I don’t know how much clearer I could have been. And I have to go drown my Sheriff related feels with a tub of ice-cream and a bottle of wine right now.

To be continued...