Recapturing Teen Wolf: Team (mostly) Human Saves The Day

Previously on Teen Wolf… Scott thinks Derek is dead. Chris wants to stay out of it but Allison is not going to let her friends die. Isaac’s dad was an asshole and Lydia is losing time again. Meanwhile Derek’s hanging out with the hot new teacher in town.

A truck drives along a stretch of highway. I can tell by the brown tone that we have gone back in time. The truck pulls into a motel – the kind that people are always getting murdered in. The driver jumps out, he’s injured, that is definitely blood on his hands and I’m pretty sure it came out of his leg.

*sings classic roadtrip song that I can't think of at 1am*

As the driver limps towards his room the camera focuses on a newspaper that tells us it’s March 5^th 1977. Just a reminder, this is a mind fuck episode so if you think you know what everything means… you probably don’t.

Back to the past. I don't know. Did I mention it's 1am?

Once he’s in his room, room 217, the driver locks the door and heads to the bathroom to check his wounds. He’s not interested in his leg though, he lifts his shirt and there’s the familiar bite mark that indicate a werewolf has bitten him. Got to love those werewolves – they never bite through clothes they always lift up the shirt first. It’s just so much sexier than way.

Nice tache dude. Sorry about your brains.

He walks towards the window to stare at the full moon – because that’s what werewolves do. Then he pulls a shotgun from his bag, says what I think is the hunter’s code and shoots himself in the head. Lovely. There’s a close up on his license, which is left open on the floor, his name is: Alexander Argent. Again this is room 217. Try not to forget it; I wouldn’t worry about it though this episode is all about reinforcing the numbers.

Back in the present – but at the same Motel: Motel Glen Capri – the bus pulls in to the parking lot and out jumps the Beacon Hills cross-country team plus Lydia and Allison (did no one notice they just randomly joined mid journey?)

I love how everyone is listening, except Stiles.

Scott: I’ve seen worse.

Stiles: Where have you seen worse?

Apparently the meet has been postponed (convenient) and this is the only place that is willing to accept a bunch of degenerates. Coach tells them to pair up and pick wisely (BTW are we all imagining that Coach Cupcake is sharing with Greenberg… no of course not why would anyone think that).

I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to just keep them over night Coach.

Coach Cupcake: And I’ll have no sexual perversions perpetrated by you little deviants. You got that? Keep your dirty little hands to your dirty little selves.

Yeah that’s going to happen. The only thing that is going to stop a bunch of unsupervised hormonal teenagers from getting naked and rubbing up against each other is some good old-fashioned violence. If the look on Lydia’s face is anything to go by that’s probably pretty likely.

Lydia Martin: the voice of reason/occasional crazy.

Lydia doesn’t like this place on account of it looks like the set of a horror movie. Allison’s all, it’ll be fine, and it’s only one night… zoom of doom (BTW my dad is annoyed at my inaccuracy – what I refer to as a ‘zoom of doom’ is not in actual fact a zoom. I am aware of this but ‘zoom of doom’ sounds cool so I’m going to call it that).

Lydia: A lot can happen in one night.

Opening credits.

Inside their motel room Scott and Stiles lay on their respective beds discussing the Durach (finally). This is the scene that Dylan wrote so yay! Well done Dylan, it was very Stiles and totally brotastic. Let’s see some more of that please. Anyway Stiles has 4 suspects.

I need all the fics about Sciles sleepovers please.

Stiles: Yeah it was originally 10. Well 9 technically I guess. I had Derek on there twice.

Of course you did Stiles. BTW in case you missed it (impossible) they are in room 213. Right so Stiles has 4 suspects. Suspect number 1 is Harris just because he’s missing doesn’t mean he’s dead, which means, as Scott points out, that their chemistry teacher is out committing human sacrifices… it sounded better in his head. (Don’t listen to Scott Stiles, you’re on to something. Harris was in on it).

That gives Scott an idea – what if it’s someone else at the school? Remember last time: no one suspected Matt. Stiles is all hold up what? Because he suspected Matt, right from the start. He did. We know that. The fandom has kind of latched on to that fact. They know that we know that. Now they are pointing it out. Just saying.

Stiles new it was Matt because he was the only other guy with a speaking role.

Scott says that they weren’t serious about thinking it was Matt and Stiles is like no he was deadly serious and no body listened. He’s never going to get that go. Ever.

Stiles other 3 suspects are: Cora because they know nothing about her and she’s Derek’s sister (which is apparently a crime in itself). Next, much to Scott’s surprise, is Deaton because:

Stiles: I don’t really like the whole Obi-Wan think he’s got going to you know. It freaks me out.

Scott gets a confused look on his face because it turns out HE HASN’T SEEN STAR WARS! Who hasn’t seen Star Wars? Everyone has seen Star Wars. Stiles what kind of a friend are you that you have let Scott go this long without seeing Star Wars? That has to be some kind of human rights issue right? (Also those of you that think Scott and Stiles have not actually been friends since childhood – that’s a point in your favor).

Scott you should not look that casual about never having seen Star Wars. This is a serious issue. 

Scott: I swear if we make it back alive I will watch the movie.

Stiles: It just makes me crazy.

Same Stiles, same. It sounds as though Scott doesn’t want to see Star Wars. But that just can’t be so I’m going to ignore it and pretend that as soon as this episode was over Scott and Stiles had a movie marathon. Or maybe this is all a dream or Scott is a pod person or something.

The last suspect on Stiles list of four possible dark druids (that are probably not going to be dark druids because Stiles was right last time and he will be so sure he’s right this time so he can’t be) is Lydia. Stiles is reluctant to say it but it makes sense. She was controlled by Peter and she has no idea. I definitely wouldn’t count Lydia out of anything. (Also are we going to talk about the fact that Peter is suspiciously absent from the list?)

Oh hey there. You're looking fuzzy. What's that about?

Fuzzy POV shot. Jennifer’s voice. She’s worried. About Derek. She’s helping him into his loft. THIS IS ALL FROM DEREK’s POV (did we get that or do I have to shout louder?). Jennifer wants to take Derek to the hospital but that’s a no go because likes to suffer his pain alone in his den without pain killers (also he’s a werewolf so that’s probably a thing as well). Jennifer tells Derek that she can’t hold him and he falls to the ground. Out cold.

Okay but seriously... where is the thigh holster? 

Chris Argent is apparently not as out of the hunting game as he would like his daughter to think because he’s investigating the site of the Alpha showdown from last week’s ep. He uses his super hunting skills to figure out exactly what happened through flashbacks.

Oh Alpha my Alpha.

Back at the hotel of horrors Scott checks himself out in the mirror. There’s something in his eye… it’s just his Alpha powers.

Stiles continually assumes that him and Boyd are friends without actually putting in any effort. 

Stiles meets Boyd (who is acting very zombielike) at the vending machine and tries to bond over the fact that they both like the same snacks. It doesn’t go very well. Then when Boyd’s snack gets caught in the machine Stiles attempts to impress him with his vending machine skills (remember that time at the hospital when he almost became a hilarious statistic – that counts as a skill apparently). Boyd has another plan. He smashes open the glass with his fist, taking the snack and walking away without a word (exactly like a zombie or someone that is hypnotized). Stiles thinks it’s weird, takes a note of Boyd’s behavior but ultimately decides eating is more important at the moment.

Allison is in the shower. Come on Allison. First you think it’s a good idea to stay at the murder motel. Then you wonder what could possibly happen in one night. Now you go and have a shower! Have you ever seen a horror movie? It’s like you want to die. (Excuse me while I have an internal freak out about the fact that Allison called out to Lydia from the shower).

WHO SHOWERS IN THE MURDER MOTEL?

Enter Scott. He’s got the same look that Boyd had about him. Definitely not himself. Which is probably why he’s creeping into Allison’s shower like it’s a normal thing to do. He’s just looking for Allison. Nothing unusual about that.

Allison: You found me. In the shower. Slightly naked if you didn’t notice.

Oh we noticed… and by we I mean me. But I’m cool with it. Anyway, Allison reminds Scott that is not cool for him to creep on her in the shower because they are not together anymore. Scott’s like we could be together if we wanted to, and he looks as though he’s about to take what he wants (in a bad way). He grabs onto Allison’s arm but when she pulls away he seems to wake up confused. Then he just walks out like that’s completely normal.

I can see the clogs a turning. 

My favorite part about this scene is that Allison knows from the get go that something is not right. She’s clearly wary (and even scared towards the end) but she knows that this is not something Scott would do and she seems pretty sure that Scott is not going to hurt her. There’s no reason to focus on that I just really love the way this relationship is progressing.

Oh hey ominous motel worker with an important warning/ red herring. 

Lydia’s in the main office to complain about the towels… they smell of nicotine. She’s met by the creepy woman that mans the front desk and owns the murder motel with her husband who is probably stuffed or something.  There’s a number on the wall: 198. Lydia is curious. Creepy woman tells her it’s kind of an in-joke between her and her dead-stuffed husband (alleged). More than any other motel in California they have the most guest suicides. Well that’s a title to be proud of right there. There have been 198 suicides since the motel opened.

How can you go from puppy cute to seriously scary like that?

Cut to a television screen the channel changes up – 198, 199, 200, 201 (more numbers). Isaacs sitting in front of the screen looking like a crazy person… you see what happens when you wonder what could possibly go wrong in one night Allison. Evil possessed werewolves and contagious suicides. That’s what can happen.

Allison calls her dad (who is still investigating the werewolf flight). Chris recognizes the name of the motel and wants to come pick Allison up. I think that’s a pretty good idea but Allison does not. Then Chris tries to guilt Allison by saying that they don’t have to keep anything from each other but even though Allison looks conflicted she keeps it all to herself. Which sucks because I liked that these two actually had a decent relationship for a moment. Everyone needs to stop lying to everyone okay?

Sad Allison makes for sad Undie.

Once Allison has hung up, Chris figures out that Allison was at the big werewolf showdown. He knows she’s lying.

Back at Derek’s loft Jennifer is lifting up Derek’s shirt to check out his abs I mean his injuries. In her professional opinion as a teacher he looks smoking hot but also kind of like he had a run in with a meet grinder.

Same.

Jennifer: To be honest. The ‘oh my god’ would be for your unbelievable physique if it weren’t for the fact that you’re bleeding black blood.

And I swear to goodness Jenny could you be any more adorable? I love her and I want to keep her forever, urgh this is going to suck. What can I do to keep her? Then she starts to panic because Derek passes out again but his heart is still beating so it’s okay.

Oh christ I need domestic Allydia and I need it now! 

Allison is getting dressed after her shower and Lydia is telling her about the fact that they are staying in the suicide hotspot of California. Although she does note that the number of suicides per year is actually to be expected. She’s just suggesting they should probably get as far away from there as possible when she hears voices coming through the vent.

Hearing that can't be fun. This is why Romeo and Juliet isn't a love story kids.

It’s a couple. Lydia looks freaked, Allison looks concerned. The couple, that only Lydia can hear, is about to shoot each other because they love each other and what is with the tragic romance theme of this episode (I wonder). They count to 3. 1, 2… BANG.

Lydia runs out of the room to check. The door to the room next to theirs unlocked and the light doesn’t work. Still Lydia decides it’s a good idea to go inside anyway where she finds a workman’s lamp and turns it on. They are renovating the room. There is no couple, no bodies, at least not tonight. Naturally Lydia starts to freak because on top of losing time she’s now also hearing voices, which is really not a good sign but Allison cuts her off.

Why can't they have they're own show? Where Lydia is a detective and Allison is a bounty hunter.

Allison: I believe you. After everything we’ve been through. I believe you.

I’m sorry I can’t hear you over one of the best female friendships on TV at the moment. They’ve come so far and it’s beautiful. Thanks Teen Wolf for doing this one thing right… finally (not that I think they do lot’s wrong, just there are not that many examples of awesome female friendships and I get a bit excited. I just really love girls okay).

From awesome lady-bonds to creepy horror clichés. The walls are whispering to Lydia. Well this is going exceptionally well, why don’t you ladies go bond somewhere that is not this motel? I think that’s an excellent idea – grab the others on the way out.

Oh Boyd nothing good comes from the ice box at a motel.

Boyd decides to grab some ice… because people always need ice when they are at motels on television because story. He opens the ice-box and there’s a voice. Oh no. It’s saying “don’t leave me”. Boyd calls the voice Alicia and digs through the ice until he sees the body of a young girl. Her eyes open. Boyd freaks and runs. Smart.

Speaking of smart, Lydia is packing her bags to they can leave the motel of horrors. And I feel the need to remind everyone again that they should listen to Lydia because Lydia is smart and probably not the Durach. Please exit immediately.

Allison’s all, it’s not like the place is haunted because that would be ridiculous. Werewolves fine, but ghosts? That’s crazy. Lydia on the other hand thinks that’s a perfectly valid explanation but she doesn’t really want to stick around to find out for sure. Allison though, Allison needs proof because that’s who she is. 

And then Scott took Isaac for ice-cream and they lived happily ever after.

Isaac wakes up in his room, Boyd’s not there. And it’s his turn to hear voices and I think we all know where this is heading. It’s his dad. He’s going to get locked the freezer again. Let’s not dwell on that, let’s just start a petition to prevent Isaac from being emotionally or physically tortured for at least one episode.

NOW KISS!!!!!

Lydia and Allison go back to the office to investigate but the creepy woman is gone (if she was even there to begin with). That’s not all though. The number on the wall has gone up from 198 to 201. It looks like there will be 3 more suicides.

Now I’m not saying that the number 3 is important, I’m just saying that it’s important.

Scott’s phone rings, it’s his mom. She’s upset. Someone came to the house and she couldn’t stop them. Scott’s like what? But his mother tells him to look outside so he does. Standing in the parking lot is Deucalion. He has Mama McCall by the throat. He wants Scott because Scott’s the Alpha now. Scott only thinks he’s Alpha because Derek is dead (except he’s kind of Alpha anyway or he will be soon or maybe this is all a dream).

Things that will never be okay. Ever. 

Deucalion tells Scott that he’s coming for him and everyone he loves and then he rips Melissa’s throat out and even though we know it’s a hallucination it still wasn’t fun to watch (if this is foreshadowing I will punch you in the penis Jeff). Scott certainly didn’t think so. He looks about ready to freak out when Stiles calls his name and Scott is pulled back to reality. When he looks outside again there is nothing there. His mother is fine… as far we know. Stiles gets a message from Lydia, she needs to talk. Without Scott.

Someone should probably hug Scott right now hey?

In another room of the hotel – sexy music is playing and clothes have been thrown across the floor. On the bed are Danny and Ethan, they’re making out but taking it slow. Ethan’s playing the nice guy so he suggests that Danny get back to studying but Danny is having none of it.

There’s more making out, and Ethan starts kissing down Danny’s chest and yes I like where this is going until Ethan gets distracted by Danny’s scars. NO! Damn you back-story filled cock-blocking scars! Fine, whatever. Let’s learn some more about Danny shall we. The scars are from surgery to fix some misshapen cartilage.

Mushy romance. Gross. But also. Awwww. 

Ethan: What if there was a way you could make them disappear?

Danny: I don’t really want them too. They make me feel like a survivor. 

Ethan: I really hope you are.

Okay apart from the vomit worthy mushiness this is actually kind of interesting. Because it looks as though Ethan has thought about giving Danny the bite and it seems as though Danny wants to stay human. It also looks as though bad things are in store for Danny, bad things that Ethan isn’t in control of (but Ethan doesn’t seem to be in control of much).

That's more like it.

Then there is more kissing! Until they are cock-blocked again by Ethan’s inner demons. It seems what ever is affecting the other wolves, is affecting Ethan as well. Ethan’s spine starts to go all crazy so he excuses himself to the bathroom to get it together. No luck though because in the bathroom an actual person tries to force it’s way out of his stomach. That is weird. Was there like a third brother that Ethan and Aiden ate to become the Super!Alpha? Ethan runs out of the room because having someone Alien-burst out of your tummy is pretty much a mood killer.

It’s okay though because Team (mostly probably almost) Human is on the case. Stiles, Lydia and Allison are again using their combined skills to get shit done. Allison knows that the last time Scott acted like this it was the full moon. Stiles knows that Boyd was really off and Lydia doesn’t care she knows something’s up and she wants out.

Stiles didn't think Lydia would be able to hold a bible without bursting into flames.

Lydia: Either we need to get out of here right now or someone needs to learn how to do an exorcism asap before the werewolves go crazy and kills us.

I just love that Lydia doesn’t give a shit about the wolves, the only people she cares about are in that room. Also Lydia pulls out a bible for dramatic effect and it seems a bit much but it’s actually holds hidden plot so it’s forgiven. Stiles ignores Lydia’s suggestion that they leave and continues his investigation because what if it’s not the motel?

Three suicides. Three sacrifices. Three-fold death. What if this time it’s three werewolves that have to die?

Stiles: Maybe we were meant to come here.

Lydia: Exactly so can we get the hell out of here now?

Again I’m going to suggest everyone listen to Lydia because whatever creepy evil force manipulated them into this situation is not good and should probably be avoided at all cost. Before they can follow my advice (okay so maybe it was Lydia’s idea but whatever) they are distracted by something in the bible Lydia pulled out earlier!

All this. All the time.

Newspaper clippings. There are a bunch of them. All of them about a suicide that happened in that very room… Room 217. Well that’s a nice thing to keep in a bible. I wonder what kind of reviews this place has on Trip Advisor?

Stiles: That’s a beautiful thing. Most places leave a mint on your pillow. This one leaves a record of all the horrible deaths that occurred.

Yeah it’s probably not the best customer service but it sure saves you a lot of research Stiles so I wouldn’t complain if I were you. Creepy motel owners with a suicide fetish certainly help with the exposition. Also if there are clipping in this room there are probably clippings in the other rooms, like the one next door. Stiles runs out of the room to check if Lydia is actually crazy or just hearing the ghosts of suicide past.

Dylan your face.

When they get next door the door is locked, which is strange because it wasn’t locked last time. Stiles is walking away when the sound of a handsaw starting up tears through the silence. Lydia’s like, everyone can hear that right?

Inside the room Ethan is about to cut himself open with a power tool when Stiles bursts though the door rushing at Ethan before he can even consider that it is a terrible idea. Stiles manages to wrestling the hand saw from Ethan’s grip and almost face plants on it before Lydia can pull the plug.

Cutting it a bit fine there Stiles.

Can we just take a moment to appreciate that everything about this scene is such a perfect representation of how Stiles, Lydia and Allison work together? Stiles rushes in without a thought for the consequences (although he’s reminded pretty quickly) Lydia stays away from the fight but uses her brain and calm use of logic in stressful situations to figure shit out. Allison on the other hand doesn’t go barging in like Stiles but she’s the one that rushes to Stiles aid the moment she sees it’s safe.

Not to be deterred in his quest to cut out the person living inside him Ethan gets his claws out because who needs a hand saw when you’re a werewolf. Allison and Stiles grab Ethan’s hands knocking him onto a heater (let’s just try to ignore the fact that the heater is on a room that is being renovated because it’s best not to think about that). The heat seems to knock him out of whatever trance he was in and he flees the scene.

Meanwhile at Derek’s lovenest loft, Jennifer is staring out the window looking concerned (or evil or like she doesn’t exist). Derek tries to pull himself out of bed because he’s a man. Also he has to find the others. Probably a good idea. Don’t you have a phone somewhere Derek? And where is Cora? Doesn’t she live there? Last we knew she was with Peter, which is never a good place to be. Anyway the point is, everyone thinks Derek is dead.

He needs to be taught a lesson.

Jennifer: Maybe that’s a good thing. Do you know how many characters in literature use a false death to their advantage? You ever read Les Mis? A Tale of Two Cities? Romeo and Juliet?

Okay so I am super excited for the return of the literary metaphor (I would completely okay with it if this whole relationship was made up of Derek smirking, Jennifer babbling and the occasional literary discussion) but I’m just going to list the examples she gave again because of reasons. Les Miserables, A Tale of Two Cities and Romeo and Juliet. Just think about it okay.

God damn Hoechlin. Cover your eyes children! 

Derek tries to move again but I think I saw his lung poking out so he stops. But he insists that they need to know. Jennifer is not so sure. She seems to think that hiding out in his loft is a pretty good plan for unknown (most probably sexy) reasons.

Jennifer: Do you have any idea how bad you look? You’re like one giant open wound.

Oh really Jenny, you have a point there but haven’t I heard that somewhere before. Derek’s just confused because Jennifer is suggesting he put himself before the others and wait what? Is someone being nice to Derek? Yup the world is going to end. No one is nice to Derek. Scott’s not even nice to Derek and Scott’s nice to everyone.

Girl you're amazing. Just the way you are. 

Jennifer: I’m not entirely sure you aren’t already dead.

Great thanks Jenny now I’m not entirely sure he’s not dead. Confuse me some more why don’t you. I though we were friends! Dammit Jenny!

Back at Motel de Suicide – Ethan is trying to get back to Danny because they had plans but Stiles is insisting on having a debriefing. Ethan insists he has no idea how he got to that room. He’s not interested in helping, even if they did save his life because maybe they shouldn’t have (I guess that whole likes getting beat up thing goes deeper than we thought).

I just need you guys to go to college together and fight crime... fashion crime!

Allison goes off to find Scott and Stiles looks at Lydia like she’s got all the answers to all the questions he’s afraid to ask again. She calls him on it because they are at that point (Jeff just please don’t) and Stiles tells her that they’ve been through something like this before. Something a lot like this. Lydia’s birthday party, the night she poisoned everyone with wolf’s bane… oh. (Remember when Stiles was super sure Lydia wasn’t the Kanima and everyone thought she was but then it turned out that she wasn’t).

Rule no.1 - don't listen to the demon radio.

In Boyd’s room, Boyd is sitting on the bed looking like shit really. Actually physically he looks smoking hot but I mean emotionally. He looks emotionally shit. The radio turns itself on and if I hadn’t left before then that would have been my cue. When the radio turns itself on you know bad shit is going to go down and you need to start preparing for battle. I guess it’s too late for Boyd though.

There’s a kid on the radio (young Boyd). The kid – who is probably young Boyd is being questioned about Alicia (the girl from the ice box/also probably Boyd’s sister). They were at the ice rink. She was skating. And then she was gone. He was watching, but he was tired. Boyd pulls the radio out of the wall but it keeps on playing.

Boyd: Is she dead? Is it my fault?

And oh my god this episode is seriously traumatizing. You’re telling me that Boyd’s sister went missing when he was supposed to be watching her. She went missing at the ice-rink. The ice-rink where he later got a job because he just couldn’t let go. Then the only other girl he got close too died… again under his watch. Am I getting that right? Good. Okay. Great. I didn’t need to function as a person without constant debilitating emotional pain caused by fictional characters.

Also Jeff – can you take some of this awesome angst and give just a hint of it to the female characters? Kay. Thanks.

Back to Derek’s lovenest loft. Jennifer is kneeling in front of Derek… because remember how their first meeting was ripped directly from a cheesy harlequin romance, well apparently it’s a thing.

Tending to the wounds. (Yes that is a innuendo).

Jennifer: You don’t have any bandages or any kind of first aid anywhere. I looked.

Derek: I don’t usually need them.

Nailed it Derek. Smooth. (Okay that exchange was kind of cute but just wait for it because it gets so much better). Jennifer asks Derek how she’s supposed to tend to his open wounds without any medical supplies. Derek says all it takes is a little time (and maybe some loving – he didn’t actually say that but it’s implied). And then they say this:

Just get to the kissing part already! 

Derek: You shouldn’t be here.

Jennifer: Why’s that?

Derek: Because you don’t know me. You don’t know anything about me?

Jennifer: Maybe I have a feeling about you.

Yeah we all get that feeling around Derek. It’s only natural.

Derek: It shouldn’t be a good one. Everyone around me… everyone gets hurt.

Jennifer: I’ve been hurt before.

Derek: Not like this.

You might think I stole that from FanFiction.net. I did not. That is actual dialogue from the actual show. God I love this show. Don’t ever change Teen Wolf.

Oh.

Then the music soars and Jennifer leans in to kiss Derek. He’s hesitant at first but when she pulls away he kisses her back and damn that is a good fucking kiss. That kiss made me feel all the right things. I want to marry that kiss and have its babies. I plan on doing that just as soon as I can stop laughing at the dialogue that led up to it.

Now all I really want to do is a laugh about harlequin romance dialogue and squee over seriously hot make outs (while listening to Marvin Gaye’s Sexual Healing on repeat) but you guys get angry when I don’t take this seriously so I’m just going to point out one thing: There is a reason this happened in this episode. You can work the rest out for yourselves.

Boyd is looking for something in the motel office. Allison is looking for Scott – he’s not in his room.

Stiles you got to stop chasing Lydia.

Stiles is explaining to Lydia that he didn’t mean to insult her when he suggested that she maybe somehow involved in getting people to kill themselves. Although once he says it out loud he realizes that it does sound kind of bad. This exchange happens with Lydia walking away and Stiles chasing after her and Teen Wolf the way you do that every time is awesome. Keep doing that. Spot on. Totes perfect. Stiles and Lydia’s friendship is the best thing about this season.

Lydia’s not interested in Stiles excuses because she’s hearing things again. This time she can hear and baby… apparently every day is dead baby day, yay.  There’s running water. Someone’s running a bath.

This is not nice.

It’s Boyd! He’s running a bath, except I don’t think it’s to relax. He jumps in. And why do the men on this show always take their shirts of but leave their heavy jeans on when they are going to be submerged in water. Not that I’m complaining because damn boy but really. Logic is not a thing. Also I shouldn’t be thinking about sexy things because Boyd is using a safe to hold his body underwater and drown himself. That’s the opposite of sexy.

Lydia’s still listening to ghost FM – the mother is drowning her baby. Somebody is drowning. Yes it’s Boyd now go save him please! No one is supposed to die until next week.

Team (mostly) Human to the rescue!

Stiles and Lydia burst into Boyd’s room but there is something blocking the drain and even together they are just not strong enough to shift the heavy safe. There’s a throw away line about how long werewolves can last underwater – just so that they can have a little bit more time to save Boyd.

It doesn’t take long for Stiles to figure it out though. Heat. When Ethan hit the heater he snapped out of it. But how do they get heat to Boyd, he’s underwater (except for his legs but we don’t talk about that). But this is why they work well as team – Stiles uses his detective skills and then Lydia uses her academic knowledge to figure out that the bus has road flares, which will work under water.

Stiles rushes out to the bus to get the flares and Lydia actually tries one more time to move the safe off Boyd on her own (Lydia Martin is better than you). Then she heads back into the room to wait for Stiles. That’s when she hears it crying but she’s not hallucinating this time. She looks under the bed and we’re reminded that Boyd is actually sharing this room with someone… Isaac. (Interesting that of all the wolves Isaac is the one that doesn’t actually attempt to commit suicide – I guess he’s just used to torture).

No. 

The Stiles is back – Lydia tells him how to light the flare and he uses it to wake Boyd up (Boyd seems less than happy to still be alive but I’m not emotionally equipped to deal with that right now). Then Stiles does the same for Isaac and it’s looking like they might be in the clear. Except when they get outside and meet up with Allison they are reminded that there is one more wolf left. Stiles is about to run and grab the final flare from the bus when he stops abruptly.

Standing in the middle of the parking lot is Scott. He’s dripping wet but it’s not water. He’s doused himself in gasoline and he’s holding a lit flare.

Fuck.

No. Scott. No.

Sad music. Scott is in tears. He’s like there’s no hope. Allison tries to tell him that there’s always hope (and it’s nice because she seems to actually mean it).

Scott: Not for me, not for Derek.

I've had this dream before. Only it wasn't in fucking slow motion.

Cut to Derek and Jennifer having sex (or should I say making love). I guess there is hope for Derek after all (or is there) – it’s very sexy almost like a fantasy. At least none of his insides are falling out, which is good. And that’s it I am going to stage an intervention because someone needs to make this excessive use of slow motion stop. I understand what you are trying to do. Five-year-old children understand what you are trying to do. Just stop. Please. I love you Teen Wolf but this is getting ridiculous.

Allison can't help. He needs Stiles.

Allison, Stiles and Lydia stand watching Scott holding the flare is his hand. Ready to let go. Scott’s all out of hope. Every time he fights back someone ends up getting hurt. Scott, sweetheart. I love you but you got to stop with this hero complex. It’s going to get you dead. Stiles steps forward and tries to tell Scott that it isn’t him doing this. There is something inside his head making him do this.

Scott: What if doing this is actually the best thing that I can do for everyone else?

* Oh I can tell you darling, oh it’s sexual healing *

This will never not be hot.

Derek is looking away from Jennifer – I guess the fantasy sex is over. Jennifer turns his head to kiss him and UNF. DAMN GIRL! That is hot. (Seriously Jeff I will give you anything to keep her. How about a kidney? My first born?). But it is still in slow motion. You have a problem Teen Wolf. You need help. Then there’s a close up on Derek’s torso as he heals… fast.

Back at the motel things are taking a turn for the emotional… well more emotional. You don’t know this about me but there are only three things that will actually make me cry when watching a television show (I know I talk a lot of hype about crying and flailing but really I am pretty much a straight faced). And one of the things that will always end with me on the floor in a puddle of tears is a yellow-crayon moment. Please bare that in mind as you read on.

The yellow crayon is broken! 

Stiles is still standing in front his friend but Scott doesn’t look any less like he’s going to drop that flare. In fact he’s looking more unstable.

Scott: Do you remember the way it was before that? You and me. We were nothing. We weren’t popular. We weren’t good at lacrosse. We weren’t important. We were no one. Maybe I should be no one again. No one at all.

Cries incoherently: SCOTTTT!

Oh god. I am not okay. I am the very opposite of okay. I want this to stop and I want it to stop right now. But then Stiles takes another step towards Scott and I realize what’s about to happen and that’s it. The floodgates are open and I can’t even fucking see to type this because Stiles is about to yellow crayon Scott.

Stiles: Scott just listen to me okay.

Listen to him Scott! Please listen to him!

Stiles: You’re not no one okay. You’re someone.

Tears are streaming down my cheek now – just like Stiles.

Stiles: Scott you’re my best friend and I need you.

Abort abort abort! There are giant sobs happening.

Stiles: Scott you’re my brother.

Stiles takes a step forward into the puddle of gasoline and I am on the floor and I am never getting up again. Fuck this goddamn fucking show.

Stiles: So if you’re gonna do this then you’re gonna have to take me with you.

Nothing will make this okay.

Bfieytrcba3rtoiahrgjbszf’giahwvtcuatvhkawgrt’whBTL.AWRTHVO;4BTVOHAGTVAETUVGTIVAWUPTIEVNEYN4BYHQV3O5GYOU;EYDOUGHBLW.GRorgbt.rwhP’FUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

Ever!

Stiles grabs Scotts hand. Scott is crying. Stiles is crying. I’m crying. People are coming to check on me. It’s not good. Stiles gets hold of the flare and throws it away. We can breath now.

Except someone should probably check on that flare because it’s awful near the gas… it roles away and then it roles back. Or should I say someone roles it back. Lucky Lydia is watching (unless she’s the one doing it). Lydia dives forward pushing Scott and Stiles out of harms way and shielding them from the blast. LYDIA FUCKING MARTIN EVERYBODY!

Actual superhero: Lydia Martin. PHD.

She looks into the fire and there’s something there. Something that is not human but kind of human shaped. And the creepy chanting is happening indicating that whatever was in the fires is connected to the Darach and/or the Druids.

I don't think you truly comprehend the extent of my pack feels.

The next day when Coach Cupcake gets on the bus the pack (OMG THEY’RE A PACK I’M HAVING A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT THIS) including Scott, Stiles, Lydia, Allison, Isaac and Boyd are already there. He doesn’t want to know but the cross-country meet was cancelled (if it was ever happening) so they are going home.

Ethan: I'm just going ignore your human. Can you put a muzzle on him or something?

Ethan sits down next to Scott. He recognizes that Scott might have saved his life (even though it was actually Stiles but it doesn’t really matter or anything). So he’s going to give them something in return. The Alpha Pack is pretty sure Derek is alive (yup – he’s alive and he’s either being held captive by the evil vagina or having the time of his life – it’s too early to tell). But Derek killed one of them, so that means he has to join their pack by killing one of his own or Kali’s going cut him into tiny pieces with her toenails. Good times.

Lydia looks about ready to fall asleep (it’s been a big night) when she notices something on Coach Cupcake’s shirt. She grabs his whistle and even Coach Cupcake knows that it’s best to give Lydia Martin what she wants. She empties the whistle and discovers purpose powder inside. It’s wolf’s bane. So every time coach blew his whistle (and he blew it a lot) the wolves got drugged. Stiles grabs the whistle and throws it out the window much to Coach’s annoyance.

Oh no. The Durach is Coach Cupcake... he wasn't even on Stiles list.

My fave part about this is that no one suspects Coach Cupcake. I mean he’s the one with the wolf’s bane in his whistle. He’s the one that took them on this little trip. He’s the one that checked them into the motel of horrors. It wasn’t him of course but it would be pretty funny if it were.

Also we’re supposed to guess that this means it has to be someone at the school if they managed to get a hold of Coach’s whistle (dear god no matter how I say it, it sounds like an innuendo). But I mean come on. That school has the worst security ever. Derek walks in there all the time like he owns the place. And he was wanted for murder. It could be anyone – or not.  

*sings* MoUnTaIn AsH *sings*

Finally cliffhanger time. In somewhere that looks like a hospital sits an old man in a wheel chair… IT’S GERARD ARGENT! He’s alive. And he’s still leaking black goo. He’s got a visitor, it’s Chris and apparently this is his second visit this month (what was that about not keeping secrets Chris). Chris wants to know the name of the Alpha that bit Alexander Argent (remember him with the moustache from the start of the episode). I think we can all guess who it was… Deucalion. DUN Dun dun! It’s all connected.