Recapturing Teen Wolf: Last Beta Standing

Previously on Teen Wolf… Jennifer Blake got laid. MOUNTAAAIIIINNNN AAASSSHHHH is still a thing. Deucalion is not a nice person, electricity is bad for werewolves and Kali is going after Derek, vengeance style.

At Beacon Hills Memorial Hospital, Melissa McCall aka the only nurse in Beacon Hills is working her butt off in the emergency room (she is super hot when she works). Because he’s a good son and a good person Scott brings her some dinner. It’s kind of awkward because she’s more excited to see the food than he son but he understands she’s been working too hard.

So many McCall family feels.

Apparently the attending is not answering his pager – as in they can’t find him – and there was a ten-car pile up so they really need a doctor to fix all the screaming crying people that are filling the room. Again apparently Melissa is the only person that works there.

A woman interrupts them – she’s injured but I can’t work out how – she wants something for the pain but Melissa can’t give her anything in case they need to operate (if and when a Doctor ever gets there). Scott is upset by the woman’s pain because of course he is, he’s the hero. So he uses he’s wolfie powers to suck the pain out of her under the guise that sometimes human contact helps alleviate pain.

Scott McCall is better than me.

This is all the reasons that I love Scott McCall… I don’t understand him and I cannot relate to his thought process at all but boy is it nice to believe that there are people like that out there. People that are willing to do anything to help. People that will always make the selfless choice. Scott McCall makes me want to try to be a better person. I won’t…but he makes me consider it at least (and then sometimes I just get annoyed with him for making me feel bad because no one can possibly be that good).

The collective fandom went oh shit they wouldn't kill Danny would they?

There’s a cry for help – it’s Ethan he’s carrying a very sick looking Danny into the hospital. And no joke my mum actually yelled out: “no not Danny” when she watched it. I think we can all agree with that sentiment.

With Melissa and Scott’s help Ethan places Danny into a chair but it’s not looking good. There are only two Doctor’s one of them is missing presumed kidnapped by the Darach and the other one is about to be… clearly. Then Danny vomits all over the place and it’s gross. It’s especially gross because there’s a close up of the vomit… why? Because we are suppose to recognize the chunks as mistletoe. It just looks like vomit to me but Ethan seems to know what vomited up mistletoe looks like, which is good… I guess.

Hi there doc, you're looking rather sacrificial this evening.

In a car there is the on call doctor. She’s stuck in the traffic caused by the accident, which is the reason she needs to be at the hospital… irony. No time to bask in the hilarity of life because there’s a moth on her win-shield and then one gets in through the air vent. Yeah this is going to end well. I guess the next set of sacrifices is healers (watch out Melissa – no seriously: go home, lock the door and get Scott to stand guard you are more important than all these people).

Danny is wheeled on a stretcher into an over crowded room. Melissa tells Scott and Ethan to go back to the waiting room but they won’t here of it. Ethan is genuinely freaked which is making me like him a hell of a lot more than I did (it’s also helping me come around to the relationship between him and Danny).  They want to help and Melissa looks crushed when she tells them that they can’t, Danny’s lung has collapsed and his heart if being pushed against his chest cavity. He’s going to die.

Actual Superhero: Melissa McCall

For a minute I thought that Ethan was going to give Danny the bite, which would have been a total plot twist (at this stage) but what happens is almost cooler. Melissa decides to hell with the rules (their more like guidelines anyway) she pulls out a giant needle and shoved it into Danny’s chest (after Ethan rips his shirt open first).

Meanwhile the Doctor that I am not going to bother to learn the name of because she’s about to be sacrificed is being attacked by moths. It’s probably a hallucination and maybe that’s what stopping her from putting her foot on the break. Seriously though if you’re driving and you get attacked by a swarm of moths pull the fuck over. YOU COULD KILL SOMEONE! Do none of these people care about road safety. Also the creepy face it back, this time it was in moth ladies rearview mirror.

Well I'm certainly not sleeping tonight. 

Melissa drains the fluid from Danny’s lungs (I have no idea if that is actually what she’s doing but I have heard them say that a lot on medical dramas so I’m going to assume it’s a thing). Danny takes a breath and so do I. Killing a POC is bad enough but killing a queer POC… wait I’m getting ahead of myself.

Scott: That was awesome.

in which I am Scott McCall. 

Same Scott, same. Danny says thank you, Ethan is visibly relieved and Scott looks as though he has just found out his mom is a superhero… because she is. Whenever I wonder how Scott turned out to be the way he is I think about Melissa McCall and I’m like, oh yeah that’s how. Mother of the year! I am having so many McCall feelings at the moment.

Outside the hospital Ethan confronts Scott to reiterate that he wasn’t the one that poisoned Danny with mistletoe. Scott reminds Ethan that there is no reason to trust him. As soon as they got to town Ethan and Aiden went straight (lol) after Danny and Lydia. Ethan reassures Scott that they are not going to hurt Danny because they know that Lydia is the one that really matters to him.

He's not all evil... only mostly evil.

This conversation tells us two things – Ethan no longer has a reason to hang out with Danny so he must be doing it because he actually wants to and SOMEONE NEEDS TO TELL LYDIA THAT THEY ARE GOING TO USE HER FOR SOMETHING AND I SWEAR TO GOD JEFF IF IT DOESN’T TURN OUT THAT SHE IS ACTUALLY THE ONE USING AIDEN THEN I WILL FIND YOU AND I WILL SHOW YOU JUST HOW MUCH FURY A WOMAN SCORNED HAS!

Anyway, Scott and Ethan’s little talk it cut short when a crazy car swerves into the parking lot before crashing into a parked car. Scott takes off towards before he even has time to think (actual hero) but it’s too late. There is nothing in the car except a dead moth.

Opening Credits.

FAMILY! 

The Sheriff is interviewing Scott and Melissa – with some unwanted help from Stiles. The Sheriff is getting very confused on account of no one has told him anything. The Sheriff tells Scott and Stiles to move away so he can get some sense from Melissa (there have been two kidnappings – the on call doctor and the attending).

Scott and Stiles have a little time to discuss tonight’s happenings. Sacrifices, healers, yup we figured that out already but what about Danny. He’s not a healer. Stiles sees the Sheriff take a call – Scott listens in – they found a body.

Is Aiden giving him a play-by-play or just asking what he wants for dinner?

Cut to the body – it’s dead. But more importantly standing around watching (lol) is Deucalion and Aiden… and watching Deucalion is Chris Argent. It’s a creeper fest.

I am having a lot of feelings about this... most of them are arousal. 

At the loft, Derek is asleep. With a book. He fell asleep with a book. You have no idea how attractive that is. Also he’s probably reading so much because he’s dating an English teacher. I might not love the way this romance has played out but that’s adorable.

This is apparently a very detailed message.

His alarm – which is the worst alarm ever – goes off and he jumps out of bed. Cora’s there. She motions behind him. There’s a symbol on the window. It’s the Alpha symbol. Apparently it’s a warning – it means they’re coming tonight. That symbol means a lot of things because they also painted it on the door of the Hale house and then they didn’t turn up for  like four months so… Also how did they get to Derek’s window – he’s in an apartment – without Derek noticing? Are we all assuming that Cora is working with the Alpha pack now or what?

Angel. 

Melissa is sleeping soundly, it’s nice, but when she wakes up she notices there’s someone else in the room. It’s okay though, it’s just Scott and Isaac sleeping at the foot of her bed. And OMG they’re a family! Isaac is part of the family! I don’t care about anything anymore because Isaac has a family!

They're just kids! Melissa's kids. Dammit I have McCall family problems again.

Melissa: What do you think you’re doing?

Isaac: We were watching over you.

Stab me in the heart I can’t handle this.

Scott: We wanted to make sure you weren’t the third sacrifice.

Melissa: But both of you were asleep?

Awkward silence.

Scott: (to Isaac) You were on watch last.

Isaac: (to Scott) What are you talking about? You were on watch last.

Scott: (to Isaac) No you were on watch last.

Isaac: (to Melissa) I might have been of watch last.

Melissa: My heroes.

MAMA MCCALL FOR MOTHER OF THE YEAR!

If it’s okay with you guys I am going to set up camp in this moment and stay here for the rest of the series because Melissa treats Isaac like he’s her son. My insides are going to explode this is the most perfect thing ever… but I guess I have to get back to the episode. And Scott and Isaac have to get their asses to school.

Gratuitous ass shot... I'm okay with it. 

Speaking of asses at school, hello Ms Blake. I have been very naughty today… and so have you. She’s glowing and I think we all know why. That’s right ladies and gentlemen we have actual canon proof that Derek Hale is phenomenal in bed. There’s only one thing that makes a girl look like that… multiple orgasms.

*sings* I just had sex *sings*

Anyway Mr Harris is still missing sick and because Beacon Hills high only has three teachers Jennifer has to fill in as physics teacher… which is awesome but who is teaching chemistry now?

So werewolves... the whole class sighs.

Scott and Stiles are having another confidential conversation about secret werewolf business in the middle of a quiet classroom but I give up with that. The gist is that there are lots of Doctors (where were all these Doctor’s last night???) so anyone could be next. Except not because Deaton calls Scott at that exact moment because he’s going to be taken and he needs Scott to be Liam Neeson.

Boyd and Isaac enter the loft – and here’s where I say that I think we missed an episode because last I remember everyone thought Derek was dead and even if they knew he was alive Boyd and Isaac weren’t really his biggest fans. But they are not going to give us the information so I’m going to have to make it up.

They really like shooting through that hole in the wall.

When the teens got back from their trip they headed straight to the loft – Boyd calls Cora and Peter on the way – to find out if Ethan was telling the truth. Only when they arrived they found Derek in a compromising position with Jennifer (I’m talking super hot sex none of that mushy romantic crap they showed us last week). Stiles covers his eyes and screams about therapy. Scott and Cora start yelling at Derek angrily for letting them believe he was dead. Isaac and Allison look incredibly uncomfortable, Peter looks like he’s enjoying the whole thing far too much and Lydia just wants to go home. 

Everything is getting out of hand and Jennifer looks more and more uncomfortable when Boyd starts laughing (it’s the first time they’ve seen him laugh since the Alpha pack). Everyone is shocked by Boyd’s outburst but the laughter is contagious soon Jennifer joins in, then Allison, Peter, Stiles and Scott. Eventually even Cora looks like she’s holding back a smile. It breaks the ice enough that they actually sit down and talk. It doesn’t fix everything and the talking quickly turns back into fighting but it’s enough… and that’s what you missed on Teen Wolf.

Anyway back to the actual episode…

Derek: Go back to school.

Isaac: Well actually we can’t. Boyd and I are incredibly and unbelievably sick.

Derek: With what? Brain damage.

Dry wit Derek is my favorite Derek. They made their excuses to the school, Isaac has a migraine, Boyd has explosive diarrhea, because Boyd has a plan to save Derek. Derek doesn’t seem impressed but I’m sure he’s happy that his pack wants to be there for him – he actually even kind of smiles, it's nice. (Also Derek is sitting on the stairs to nowhere during this little talk).

Talk science to me Boyd... slowly.

Boyd got the idea for his plan when he was thinking about that one time Grandpa Argent tortured them. I think I’m going to be sick. He’s dwelling and no one is noticing. And he is the only person that is acknowledging that Erica was a person, everyone else is just ignoring her. But none of that matters because Boyd has a big wire.

Scott runs into the animal clinic but it’s too late. The Sheriff is there – Stiles called him – and there is no sign of Deaton. (Oh and hello deputy lady that we see all the time, please don’t die).

*chants* Tell him. Tell him. Tell him. Tell him. *chants*

Sheriff: Scott, I need you to tell me everything.

YES! I concur with this. I need you to tell him everything Scott. Stiles is never going to tell him you have to bite the bullet already. Zoom of doom: Scott has dilemma and he seems really upset. I don’t like it when Scott’s face does that. Let’s not let that happen again.

Stop it. 

Back at the loft they are flooding the floor while Boyd explains the plan. They’re going to send an electric current though the water on the floor so anyone that steps in it gets fried. Isaac and Derek seem impressed by this plan – and I can understand that because Boyd seems super confident and it’s incredibly hot when he talks science but I would like to state right now for the record that I am against this plan. This is terrible plan with too many flaws to even mention and it is not going end well for anyone. But they’re going to do it anyway so why do I ever bother.

Shooting through the hole again.

Back at the animal clinic the Sheriff comforts Scott telling him they’re going to do everything they can to find Deaton but Scott knows it won’t be enough because he doesn’t have all the information so he drags Stiles in the back to have a long overdue conversation. They need to tell the Sheriff.

*continues chanting* Tell him. Tell him. Tell him. Tell him. *continues chanting*

Stiles is against the plan but he’s the only one. Stiles tells Scott that he’s worried his dad will react like Scott’s mum, but that’s not it, not really because the Sheriff is going to find out sooner or later and he really needs to know.

Dammit Scott, why do you always have to be right?

Scott: What if not telling hum now gets someone else killed?

Stiles: What if telling him gets him killed?

Oh no, I’m having feelings again. I blame Dylan’s face and just Stiles general existence. Deaton might be like a father to Scott but this is Stiles actual father they’re talking about.

Nope.

Stiles: I can’t lose both my parents all right. Not both of them.

Scott: You’re right.

Stiles: No I’m not. I’m not right.

Can we talk about how perfect this is for their characters? The worst thing that fandom does it paint Stiles as the moral compass of the show when it’s actually Scott. Scott is the person that Stiles wants to be (even though he never will because like Peter, Stiles lives in shades of grey). It’s so incredibly selfish of Stiles to want to protect his father over everyone else but that is one of Stiles defining characteristics. And Scott is willing to let him make the selfish choice because he loves his best friend and dammit this friendship is amazing. And you can see Stiles thought process, he doesn’t want to tell his dad because it could put him in danger but he also knows that if Scott thinks it’s the right thing to do then it probably is. So Stiles decides to tell his father because he wants to be like Scott, and I’m going to stop now because I could talk about this friendship forever.

UNF!

Before they can tell the Sheriff anything they are intercepted by Ms Morrell (who is looking fine) who wants to help Scott find her brother by imparting some cryptic wisdom. They need help from the one person that has the ability to locate the supernatural happenings… Lydia.

Lydia has her hands full at the moment – she’s getting busy with Aiden in Coach Cupcakes office (apparently that’s her make out spot). I just love their interactions because Lydia is in charge. Aiden’s shirtless, she’s not and she keeps getting him to bare his neck – hello fan fiction. It’s all looking good when someone pulls the fire alarm so Lydia hops off and makes to leave.

Why don't all the humans just carry fog horns or something?

Aiden: Where are you going?

Lydia: It’s a fire alarm?

Aiden: When in high school has a fire alarm actually been a real fire?

Lydia: That’s exactly the kind of thing you’d expect two dumbass students to say just before getting burned alive.

Lydia is the best, I won’t here anything else. Gentlemen first so Aiden heads out but when Lydia tries to leave she’s stopped by Cora.

Did you learn your creeping skills from your brother or are they genetic?

Cora: You don’t have very good taste in guys do you?

At the hospital the Sherriff brings in the body of the second victim and he’s looking even more stressed and confused. Never fear because Melissa is on the case – when she’s not being the only nurse in Beacon Hills and the best mom ever she’s also a supernatural detective. She needs the Sheriff to look at the body with her because she’s figured out how they died and she might have a way to find Deaton. Melissa McCall is so amazing that I have nothing more to say about it.

This needs to be a spin-off. Yes?

Back at the school Cora is still preventing Lydia from leaving. Lydia is not impressed (or maybe she is, a little bit… I mean Lydia did date Jackson, I think she likes it when they’re mean). Cora’s got a message from Derek – he wants Lydia to stop banging the bad guys… I’m assuming that someone mentioned Lydia and Aiden during the confrontation at the loft I mentioned earlier.

NOW KISS!

Cora: If I catch you with him again I’m not going to pull the fire alarm. I’m going to pull your tongue out of your head.

Those Hales – always threatening the people they are attracted to, like pulling pigtails.

Lydia has that effect on everyone Cora I wouldn't worry about it. 

Lydia: Sweetheart. My last boyfriend was a homicidal lizard so I think I can handle a werewolf.

Cora grabs Lydia, Lydia tells her to let go. Cora tightens her grip and they’re about to kiss (probably) when Stiles turns up to ruin all the fun. Way to pussyblock (yes it’s a thing) Stiles. You ruin everything!

Stiles doesn’t seem to notice that he’s interrupted the beginning of my new OTP – if Sterek is a thing then Cora/Lydia should be a thing – because he needs Lydia to use her as yet unidentified powers to find Deaton. Cora just wants to watch. Stiles has a bunch of options prepared suggesting that he’s done a lot of research into Lydia’s abilities. First up Quija board… they all place their hands on it and Cora and Stiles stare at Lydia expectantly.

The ladies do not approve of Stiles pussyblocking. 

Stiles: Aren’t your gonna answer it?

Lydia: Oh I don’t know the answer. I though we were asking some sort of spirit?

Cora: Well do you know any spirits?

Lydia: (to Stiles) Is she for real?

How do all these people keep wandering into the school?

Meanwhile Scott follows a strange tapping noise through the school and into the music room where he’s met by Deucalion who gives another over dramatic speech about tempo and life and then offers to help find Deaton for some reason.

Option number two in the quest to awaken Lydia’s power is psychometry… using Deaton’s keys.

All of this, all the time.

Lydia: I’m not psychic.

Stiles: You’re something okay, just…

And so continues Stiles slow decent into madness. Cora roles her eyes (Hale family feels) and Lydia does not look impressed but she does what Stiles asks her to. Cora watches Lydia as though she is the most fascinating thing in existence…. But nothing happens.

Back in the music room Scott is angry with Deucalion (maybe because the guy is all talk and very little action). Deucalion apparently heard my disappointment because he decides it’s time for a physical demonstration. Scott has to take Deucalion’s cane and he will find out where Deaton is. Easier said than done. They fight, it’s actually a pretty cool fight scene – probably my fave of the season. Just the right mix of unnecessary acrobatics and slow motion.  Deucalion wins, of course. But he wins by scratching Scott with the pointy end of his cane… does anyone know what’s up with that? Because I got nothing.

Seriously what is up with that stick? Is it poisonous? 

Deucalion: You know I’m not the one slashing up innocent people, praying to ancient gods, gathering herbs or whatever the hell druids are supposed to do/

Well Duke I have to say you know an awful lot about druids for someone that claims to be innocent. But not the point of this little speech. Duke still wants Derek dead and now Scott is faced with a dilemma, one will die tonight he can save either Derek or Deaton. Deucalion leaves Scott with a cryptic clue… follow the currents (he said the thing).

Theory number three in Stiles road to figuring out Lydia is automatic writing. Lydia tales the pencil and starts drawing… a tree. There’s a moment when Stiles realizes what she’s doing that I thought he might actually murder her. Lydia is being such a little shit in this episode and I love it. They deserve it. They only every go to Lydia when they want something from her. Plus why does she care about Deaton, he’s not her boss. (Also the tree does mean something you nobs).

Lydia is 100% done with this supernatural shit.

Cora: Isn’t she supposed to be some kind of genius?

Lydia: Genius yes, psychic no.

Lydia’s not bothered by Cora’s arousal but she gets it all the time. She does have a little piece of advice though: Danny’s the one they should be talking to because…

Scott McCall has the answers! 

Scott: He was a target but he wasn’t sacrifice.

Danny is still at the hospital – says Cora – how did she know that? I swear to goodness half this episode is missing. Anyway Scott has to make a stop on the way because Allison called. Apparently she’s on the case as well? Seriously? When did she find out about all this??? I am so confused but I am excited that they are all working together. 

Detective show: The nurse and the Sheriff?

At the morgue Melissa is explaining to the Sheriff that this lot of sacrifices died from being suspended, which means Deaton is currently hanging his wrist somewhere. Can I reiterate just how amazing Melissa McCall is? The Sheriff is clearly turned on by her detective skills and so am I.

This plan is so incredibly stupid it hurts me.

Meanwhile Boyd has turned Derek’s loft into the worst water park ever and I still think this is the stupidest plan ever.

At the Argent apartment Allison is about to tell Scott what she found when Chris comes home unexpectedly so the have to hide in the closet… if you’re thinking this is the start of a porn, you would be right.

Awww, you two. 

Allison: What are you doing?

Scott: Nothing.

Allison: Part of your is doing something.

Scott: Oh, sorry.

Allison: Stop.

Scott: I kind of don’t have control over that.

Allison: Okay, I’m gonna turn around.

Scott: Allison.

Allison: What?

Scott: That’s worse.

And I’m giggling just like Allison. I know these two are incredibly cheesy but even though it took me forever once I got sucked into to the Allison and Scott romance I can’t help but get excited by moments like this. Underneath all the issues they are unbelievable sweet together. They almost kiss but Allison tripped and then they hear Chris leave and it’s back to business.

Fancy.

They sneak into Chris’s office, there’s a map of Beacon Hills on the desk. There’s nothing on it until Allison uses a black light to uncover the hidden message. Chris has been tracking everything and more than that he’s figured out where the next six bodies are going to be found.

Let’s just come out and say it – Chris and Allison are the worst retired hunters ever. Also so much for not lying to each other… excellent communication guys.

At the hospital Stiles sneaks into Danny’s room (not that there would be anyone to stop him because Melissa is the other person that works there are she’s to busy solving crimes/having sex with the Sheriff). Stiles checks if Danny is awake by shaking him, poking him and then slapping him on the cheek. He wasn’t awake before but he certainly is now.

Stiles, sometimes the fact that you are alive genuinely astonishes me.

Stiles spots Danny’s bag and decides to go through it now that Danny is awake. When Danny questions him, Stiles tells him this is just a dream.

Danny: Why would I dream about you going through my stuff?

Stiles: I don’t know that Danny okay, it’s your dream. Take responsibility for it. Just shut-up and go back to sleep.

Did someone say sex dream?

Not only is this hilarious but it also implies that Danny has dreamt about Stiles before, and if he wasn’t stealing his stuff what was he doing. I’m going to need some fic about that please. It’s not all sexy dreams though because Stiles finds something and call Scott.

Damn Scott. You rock that bike. I like it. A lot. 

Scott is standing by his motorbike looking sexy while he tries to work out how to save everyone. His attitude is lovely but also very worrying because you can’t save everyone and Scott is just going to be so broken when he works that out. Anyway Danny was doing a project in Mr Harris’s physics class – oh so that’s why Mr Harris was teaching physics! Danny’s project was on telluric currents… wait did he say currents?

At Derek’s loft one of many fundamental flaws in their brilliant plan becomes apparent when someone cuts the power to the building rendering their swimming pool of death useless. There’s only one option left, they fight. This is why you guys aren’t allowed to plan things! Because you suck! Also I think it’s pretty clear that you have a traitor because how did the Alpha pack know to cut the power?

I've made a terrible mistake. 

In walks Kali, she’s ready for a fight but she wants to do things on her terms. She knows Derek likes to hide behind his pack of misfit teenagers so she brought some incentive for them to stay out of it.

So you're evil but I would probably still do you Kali. 

Kali: What’s a girl got to do to get you alone?

Oh Kali I’ve been asking myself that same question since I started watching this show, you know who does know how to get Derek alone – Jennifer. Let’s bring her in shall we.

Fuck you Jeff. 

Can I talk about how phenomenally pissed I am that Jennifer is being reduced to damsel again? I keep making excuses for you Teen Wolf, saying that you have a plan (I’m pretty sure I’ve figured it out btw) but the only way you get forgiven for this is if Jennifer is putting herself in these situations purposefully. Even if you have a grand plan it doesn’t change the way the story has played out so far.

It’s about the journey not the destination and I have reached the point where I am sick of the questions – I need to know if there is a bomb under the table.  

I’m reminded of Hitchcock’s famous quote about suspense:  “Four people are sitting around a table talking about baseball or whatever you like. Five minutes of it. Very dull. Suddenly a bomb goes off. Blows the people to smithereens. What does the audience have? Ten seconds of shock. Now take the same scene and tell the audience there is a bomb under that table and it will go off in five minutes. The whole emotion of the audience is totally different because you’ve given them that information. In five minutes time that bomb will do off. Now the conversation about baseball becomes vital. Because they’re saying to you, ‘don’t be ridiculous there’s a bomb under there.’ You’ve got the audience working.”

For me Derek and Jennifer feels like a conversation about baseball – which sucks because Jennifer is probably the most intriguing new character this season. Sure it's interesting to people who like baseball but for everyone else it's kind of like watching paint dry. Even if there is an awesome plot twist I’m still going to be fast-forwarding through most of their story when I rewatch because snoozefest. I need to know the bomb is there! I’m assuming the bomb is there, but I have no proof. I could be completely wrong. Maybe this is actually just a conversation about baseball after all. I need you to give me something. Am I getting invested in something that is actually a series of sexist cliché tropes?

Anyway – for you guys – if I was going to ask any question I would be asking how the Alpha pack knew to go after Jennifer. *exaggerated wink* 

Kali wants a one-on-one fight and now she’s using Jennifer as a bargaining chip Derek willing to give Kali what she wants.

Are we still having that ugly werewolf comp... because Derek's new look is not working for me.

Derek: I’m gonna rip your throat out, with my teeth.

Oh Teen Wolf. Most of the time I love that you are ridiculously cheesy and unapologetically self-aware but this is too much. I know it’s super tempting to repeat popular lines – especially because it’s intriguing to see which lines get picked up by the fandom. And that line is pretty much Derek’s defining quote so I understand the impulse but just don’t. It’s lazy, it’s lame and it’s makes you look like Regina’s mom. You can talk about deliberate parallels or foreshadowing all you want but it’s never cool.

So that's what Beacon Hills looks like. 

At the animal clinic – Scott, Stiles, Cora and Lydia are trying to figure out how to find Deaton and apparently the key is in Danny’s physics report. Turns out Beacon Hill is Sunnydale – Stiles explains that they are living on the science version of a hellmouth. Harris knew something and tried to stop Danny from investigating further and Danny had a map. Luckily Danny and Chris’s maps match and Cora is able to work out where Deaton is likely to be hidden. The bank vault!

They rush to find him when Cora stops – be still my shipper heart because Lydia is the one that notices something is wrong. The plan didn’t work and Scott is crushed because it’s happening just the way Deucalion said it would… but Scott’s not ready to give up just get, they can save them both. He’s going after Deaton by himself and Stiles is going to take Cora back to Derek’s loft.

Just this one, everybody lives! lol jk

Scott rides off into the sunset to be the hero and the others head towards death. BTW the car ride between Stiles, Cora and Lydia is my favorite thing. Cora looks so broken but in the same stoic way that Derek is broken (also she looks kind of guilty as well maybe). Lydia and Stiles both look at her worried and then Stiles puts his foot down. That’s nice. They’ve taken her into the fold.

Threesome?

Derek and Kali are fighting, it’s getting pretty old and can someone explain to me why Derek is wearing a shirt. Now I know this is very emotional and all but hear me out. They went to all that trouble (this stupid plot) just so Kali and Derek could have their fight in the water and they didn’t even cash in on the fact that they could have had dripping wet shirtless Hoechlin. I am ashamed Teen Wolf. You’re not the show I thought you were. Also Jennifer is crying and screaming and I really want to punch someone (this better be worth it Jeff or I swear to god I will start sticking pins in your voodoo doll).

Scott is so amazing he actually makes me feel bad for everyone else. 

Scott makes it to the bank vault and finds Deaton but it’s not that simple of course. There’s a mountain ash circle around the vet and Scott can’t reach him. But instead of giving up because he made the wrong choice by telling Stiles and Lydia to go with Cora, Scott tries to push his way through the barrier.

Loving Scott's journey to Alpha btw. 

He pushes so hard that his eyes turns red – FUCKING ALPHA SCOTT – and Deaton sees. The music soars but it’s no use. Scott is tossed backwards and Deaton falls limp… suddenly Sheriff Stilinski!

Hot Damn Sheriff could get it. 

Sheriff: Scott, let me give it a shot!

Literally, the Sheriff shoots through the rope that is suspending Deaton and he falls to the ground! The Sheriff is a hero and now I understand why they can’t tell him about the supernatural stuff because he would figure it out in like an hour and then Teen Wolf would be an incredibly boring TV show (I’d still watch it though).

Cora, Stiles and Lydia have made it to Derek’s building and their turning the power on. Stiles sends a quick message to Isaac give him enough time to jump out of the danger zone and get Jennifer out of the twins grasp. (I’m also assuming that Jennifer and Isaac shared a moment in the missing episode, which explains why he chose to save her and not Boyd or Derek – I know he’s being more like Scott but still a little interaction between them would have been nice).

WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THIS??????

Everyone gets electrocuted but no one dies and the power turns off pretty quickly. In fact the only ones who seem to be affected by the electricity is Boyd and Derek. Kali is fine… before we move on to the emotional trauma I want it on the record that this was a stupid plan that had zero pay off.

Super nice that Isaac's a hero but do they know each other? 

Right well this is when things get bad. The Alpha twins grab Derek and hold his claws up so that Kali can throw Boyd onto them forcing Derek to stab his beta. It’s kind of stupid (especially because I though Kali wanted to kill Derek – why did they even have that subplot about her wanting revenge for Ennis’s death? You’re killing me here) but then it just gets sad.

The alpha’s exit with a warning, Derek has until the next full moon to join their pack or everyone dies. So we're back here again are we. Great that whole thing was utterly pointless. Thanks Teen Wolf. 

Girls got style.

Boyd grunts in pain and Derek is almost hyperventilating. Jennifer and Isaac and huddled together in the doorway (like they know each other) looking horrified.

This is the opposite of okay... you know that right Jeff?

Boyd: It’s okay.

Derek: No, it’s not okay.

Derek is right, this is not okay. I mean I pretty much guessed this was going to happen but I was hoping it wouldn’t. Boyd insists that the feeling on the full moon was worth it. Then he remembers Erica… flash back. Erica died on an eclipse.

Flashback:

Erica: Boyd, what do you think will happen to us on the lunar eclipse? It lasts for hours you know. Because it’s just the earth’s shadow. I wonder what will happen to us. Maybe it’ll make us stronger. I hope it’ll make us stronger.

Erica Reyes was better than this fucking show.

Kali is walking out of the vault. Erica rises her eyes yellow. She launches herself at Kali. She’s not strong enough. As she lies on the ground her last word is: “Boyd”.

Right Friggin’ Now:

Fuck everything. 

In a way it’s kind of like Boyd and Erica died together. I am pleased that Erica died fighting because she was above everything else, a fighter. That’s why she wanted the bite so that she could fight harder. I guess Boyd died for what he wanted as well, because he died for pack – and as heartbreaking as it is, it’s kind of beautiful that their last thoughts were of each other.

And I will talk about Derek’s breakdown in a moment but first I have to mention the fact that this show just killed off a woman and a POC to give a white dude a little more angst. Some of you might say, it’s got nothing to do with that but think about it this way: three teenagers joined Derek’s pack in Season 2 and only one is left… a white male. It doesn’t matter how you look at it, it’s wrong.  

You deserved better. 

Boyd said that it was worth it but it wasn’t. This whole episode didn’t make any sense. Why were Boyd and Isaac there? Why did Derek agree to go along with this ridiculous plan? What the hell was Kali’s endgame anyway? I thought she was hell bent on revenge. How come Derek couldn’t shift back? Why did they even have that stupid plan when there was zero pay off?

You know what, I am the worst for excusing lack of logic as long as there is a decent emotional pay-off but this wasn’t. We were just getting to know Boyd now he’s dead – and supposedly he thought it was worth it to be part of a pack. When did we get to see him be part of a pack? Because I must have missed that. You know who’s death would have been worth it: Isaac. Isaac’s death would have had the most emotional impact on both the characters and the audience and it would have had the least narrative impact because as much as I love Isaac, it would have killed me to watch him die, he’s not necessary to the story.

Boyd was just give a seriously intriguing origin mystery but I guess that doesn’t matter any more. If Isaac had died that would have been utterly heartbreaking and the ramifications of that moment would have affected the series until it’s end but Boyd’s death will be forgotten as soon as Derek has moved on to some new tragedy. Isaac's death would have been enough of an emotional pay-off for all the plot holes in this episode but Boyd's death was just weak. 

Killing Boyd was the safe choice and it was an incredibly problematic one. It’s even worse because neither Boyd nor Erica got the curiosity of their own death scene, they were lumped together and that says so much about how their characters were treated. They didn’t matter as individuals all that mattered was that they died for Derek’s mangst. Now they will both just be swallowed into the never-ending pit of things Derek feels guilty about. Forgotten until Derek needs to use them as an excuse to do something stupid.

Don’t get me wrong – Derek is a fantastic character. He’s flawed in all the right ways he desperately wants to do the right thing but consistently makes the wrong choices.  His mistakes make for amazing television. He is one of the best parts of this show but everything around him this season has been so problematic and it just sucks.

Oh no MAN PAIN!!

Back to the recap: Derek kneels over Boyd’s broken body. He can’t move, he can’t speak, he can just stare because he did that. This is his fault. Even though the Alpha’s controlled his body he was the one that offered Boyd the bite in the first place. He killed Boyd and Erica when he offered them the bite and that’s something he’s just going to have to live with.

Now I just want to know all about Boyd and Cora's relationship! 

Stiles and Cora run in, Stiles pauses for a moment at the sight in front of him and Cora pushes past. They both rush forward. Cora towards Boyd, Stiles towards Derek. Cora collapses on top of Boyd and I am even more disappointed that we didn’t get to see more of Cora and Boyd’s relationship. They spent all that time in the vault together. Cora would have been there for Boyd while he dealt with Erica’s death. Did they talk about Derek? I want to know it all and we never will. So much wasted potential.

Wait so this actually happened then? I didn't dream it? 

Stiles stands behind Derek, after a moment he cautiously moves his hand forward placing it on Derek’s shoulder and squeezing. He doesn’t move forward but he doesn’t let go, he just holds onto Derek’s shoulder because it’s the only thing he can do. Isaac and Jennifer are joined by Lydia – they stand in the doorway looking in at the tragic scene in front of them.

The shipper in me is jumping up and down and screaming because Stiles was the one that ran forward to comfort Derek (and I cannot wait for all the fan fiction this inspires) but shipper goggles aside I liked that moment because it was a broken person offering not condolence or comfort but acknowledgement that this terrible event happened to someone equally broken.

(Of course another way to look at it is that they killed a woman and a POC just so two straight white dudes could have a moment, but no homo).

Meanwhile Chris is yelling at Gerard and setting up that next week’s episode is going to be a flashback episode. He wants answers and Gerard is going to give them to him.

You know who else wants answers… Allison. Allison has found Gerard and I really hope she doesn’t want a chat because she should probably cut Gerard into tiny little pieces.

Allison: Surprised to see me?

Gerard: Only surprised it’s taken you this long.

Allison Argent gets shit done. 

Seriously Allison kill him – trust me, it’s going to be better for everyone if he dies now. Also that whole leaking black goo thing can’t be pleasant so really you’d be doing him a favor.

Finally Deaton is all right and he’s out of the mountain ash circle? Did the Sheriff break the circle? Or did Deaton? The Sheriff found them because he recognized the bank logo on one of Deaton’s jars of mysterious and probably not legal herbs.

*chants louder* TELL HIM. TELL HIM. TELL HIM. TELL HIM. *chants louder* 

Deaton: Sheriff, thank you for being one hell of a detective.

Damn straight. Is the Sheriff not curious how Scott found him? Did Melissa finally let him in on the secret? This episode doesn’t really make a lot of sense, I’m going to stop thinking about it because it’s making me sad.

The Sheriff goes to call and ambulance and Deaton uses the moment alone to tell Scott that his eyes flashed bright red. (He seems uber excited about BTW).

Deaton: It’s rare something that doesn’t happen within a hundred years but every one and a while a beta can become an alpha without having to steal or take that power. They call it a true alpha. It’s one who rises purely on the strength of character, by virtue, by sheer force of will.

Oh Scott, this is way too much pressure for a 16 year old boy. 

Well that sounds like Scott all right. Of anyone has enough virtue to become a ‘true alpha’ it’s Scott and I like the way his storyline is heading. How just being who he is will make him more powerful simply because he doesn’t want the power but he needs it.

Scott: You knew this would happen.

Deaton: I believed.

He’s not the only one though, Deucalion is not after Derek, he’s after Scott. Of course he’s after Scott because why would anyone actually want Derek in their pack. Like he’s my fave and I wouldn’t want him in my pack. He’s the worst alpha ever.

To be continued…