Thursday, December 6, 2012

Let’s Talk about Glee, Baby: My Girlfriend’s Back and You’re Gonna be in Trouble

She’s back – I am of course talking about the amazing Miss Quinn Fabray. Those of you that are new here might not be aware of my obsession with this character… all I can say is that all will become clear soon enough. This week nostalgia for the holidays, sectionals drama and I’m thankful for the lovely Dianna Agron.

We begin with… feet. Wait, I know those feet they belong to… QUINN! I’m so glad they are getting right into this. Oh and it’s a song, I love it when she sings. Okay so I have had to watch this episode more often than usual because I keep getting distracted by her face. It’s also really hard to get screen caps because I keep forgetting who I am, she is so pretty.

Umm sorry, back to the recap.

Enter Puck, followed by Mike and Santana, then Mercedes and finally Finn… I can’t even hate him because I am having way too many nostalgia feels. I miss the old New Directions. I know last week the new bunch were starting to grow on me but seeing them all together on the stage like that has made me realize that I just don’t give a crap about the newbies.

Quinn: “Home for the holidays, just like we promised.”


Marley had a dream, that dream was to perform on the stage (unlike everyone else in New Directions). She’s still bulimic but she has to be so that they can win sectionals, also she doesn’t want to let down the two guys she dating – personally I think those two boys really want to date each other.


Group dinner for the graduates (minus Kurt and Rachel), but it’s okay because they’re talking about them. Kurt still won’t answer Blaine’s calls but more importantly Quinn and Rachel have been emailing each other. Quinn says she’s sorry about what went down between Rachel and Finn – but the look on her face says she’s not sorry at all, that look says ‘I told you so bitches’.

All I can think it – FABERRY KEEP IN TOUCH! Mercedes agrees with me.

Apparently they email every other week about the train ticket Rachel gave to Quinn… which is interesting because it was actually Quinn that gave Rachel the train ticket. Now I want to think that this is Quinn trying to save face because she’s the one that emails Rachel all the time and Rachel is the one that’s too busy but that would be giving Glee too much credit.

Sometimes I feel like I should send the DVD box set of previous seasons to the writers because clearly they have never actually watched the show. The worst part is that they have a massive resource they can call on to clarify any continuity issues – they can ask the fandom! The fandom does all the research and compiles all data you could possibly need about the text so why not use it. It’s just so frustrating – can we confiscate this show from these people? Is that a think we can do?

Back to the choir room to see if some of the graduates sheer awesomeness can rub off on the newbies. So a newbie is paired with a graduate for some one on one tutoring.

Puck à Jake
Mike à Ryder
Santana à Marley
Quinn à Kitty

To the last pairing (Quinn and Kitty) Santana says wanky and I wholeheartedly agree because Kitty is now the evil, blonde version of me.

Kitty (to Quinn): “You’re so funny and self-depreciating, we’re so alike.”

Anyway back to the fact that Finn is actually supposed to be the teacher in this situation – he has a plan for sectionals… they’re doing ‘Gangnam Style’. Santana doesn’t think they can handle a big musical number because their hand jive looked more like a hand job – Santana I have missed your snarky wit. Finn thinks they can do it (and Finn is always right); they just need to find a male lead… Captain Sam (WHITE CHOCOLATE) thinks he can do it, but everyone dismisses that idea… doesn’t he realize his role is now purely comic relief?

Ryder and Jake share a moment – Jake tells Ryder that he went out with Marley. He’s all like, if you want I’ll break up with her, Ryder says no (but his eyes say yes) as long as he gets the dance lead.

NEW YORK – Rachel and Kurt are spending thanksgiving away from home… and they feel good about it (except not really). Because even though they don’t have their boyfriends they still have their dreams – profound.

Back in Lima, Jake throws the audition so Ryder gets the lead even though Jake is the better dancer but more importantly…


My favourite threesome is here to teach the new ladies how to shine, because alone with being beautiful they are national show choir championship goddesses. They know all about each other’s shakes and shimmy’s… and what I forgot what I was talking about again.

They want an example – so here’s one on the fly.

You cannot overestimate how much I have missed these three ladies. Long live the unholy trinity. Also Kitty is giving Quinn the eye for most of this performance and Quinn seems to like it.

Marley is not feeling well (because she doesn’t eat and then throws up) and Santana knows that something is up (because Santana was bulimic back when it was funny). Santana knows all about bitchy blond cheerleaders that are in love with nerdy brunettes (I mean what?).

Turns out Kitty is obsessed with Quinn (she has a picture of her in her locker and everything) and she asks herself everyday – what would Quinn Fabray do? I’m not entirely sure that’s a good thing – because Quinn has made some pretty shocking decisions (see trying to steal a baby). But honestly all I can really say is, same Kitty, me too. Kitty also knows how to play Quinn because she convinces her that the younger Puckerman is to blame for Marley’s body issues.

Meanwhile, in New York. Miss July has a hangover so Brody’s teaching dance class. Rachel is not happy about this because, well I’m not sure. She’s angry that Brody slept with Cassie but she really has no right to be. Rachel was the one that ditched him for Finn and they weren’t dating or anything. So why is she upset again?

Apparently it’s because Cassandra July is her mortal enemy (only Rachel would have a mortal enemy) but I’m pretty sure it’s because she wants to sleep with Cassie.

Rachel: “Did it at least suck?”
Brody: “Are you kidding, it was amazing, have you seen her ass?”

Rachel has seen her ass, and that’s exactly why she doesn’t want you touching it Brody. Whatever Brody wants to be forgiving so he’s going to rescue Kurt from Rachel’s cooking.

Quinn confronts the Puckerman brothers about Marley and Puck dismisses it as crazy Quinn – dammit Glee, why is it whenever a girl get’s mad at a guy she’s just being girl crazy. This is not the 1800s, these girls do not have wandering wombs, they are people and should be treated as such. Quit dismissing their anger. Also she’s pretty when she’s angry.

New York again, I’m getting whiplash. Fairy godmother Sarah Jessica Parker has some advice for Kurt – he needs to forgive Blaine other wise he wont be able to move on. Kurt doesn’t seem convinced but he invites her to thanksgiving anyway.

Oh sweet Jesus and all that is good – you have to warn me if you are going to have close up on her face like that. I could have had a heart attack. Anyway Quinn is giving Kitty some advice and then they hug and I am shipping it. All the crazy blonds should be sleeping with each other okay.

Santana knows that Kitty is evil though, because of her psychic Mexican third eye.

Here it is, the Quinn/Santana (Quintana) confrontation! Quinn thinks Santana is jealous. Santana thinks Quinn is just the same stupid girl she’s always been because Quinn is dating a professor who is so going to leave his wife.

Santana: “Wow Twitter update, Quinn is all excited about another guy defining her life.”

SLAPS ALL AROUND! (Is it weird that I’m turned on by this?)

My beloved Brit Brit turns up to stop the violence.

Santana: “Quinn always was a genius slapper.”

(I can’t even with that – could you be more lesbian?)

Ryder can’t dance, but Jake is determined to help him learn… I think he just wants to have some quality time alone. Ryder can’t get the lyrics but Jake’s like it’s Korean, just sing gibberish (cringe – gross Glee). Then they’re talking about sex and Ryder is watching Jake dance and do you really have to sit that close to each other! Wait did Ryder just ask Jake to get him some food – that’s a date right? They are actually dating.

Orphan thanksgiving in New York – Rachel and Brody are feeling up a turkey, which is strange because I thought Rachel was a vegan (nope apparently she’s just a vegetarian now and she is totally okay with getting her hands all over a dead bird). Also are they just putting the turkey in the oven at 5pm? This is going to be a long night.

Marley is hungry, I wonder why. Unique is back, she’s as fierce as ever and it’s show circle time. A tradition that, according to Finn, was invented by Mr Schue. Except Finn has decided to add an actual prayer, which I guess is okay because the resident atheist, Kurt, is not around… but really the question is why is there no close up of Quinn here? Wasted opportunity.

It’s Warbler’s time and I will totally blow their whistle anytime they want me too. I’m not sorry that those boys remind me of the private school boy fetish I had when I was in high school. There is just something about a blazer. It’s not the same without Blaine in front of them though – Darren just adds extra sex.

Back to New York (seriously whiplash). The orphan thanksgiving has been invaded. Kurt, Rachel, Brody and fairy godmother Sarah Jessica Parker have a kiki. BEST THANKSGIVING EVER…

Until Kurt decides to take his fairy godmothers advice and call Blaine and then all the emotions start happening. Now I know I haven’t been a massive fan of this coupling but it’s moments like these that remind me that I used to like them, I used to like them a lot. Confession time: I might have shed a tear or two during this scene. Damn you Glee! Seriously though, when Chris Colfer cries puppies die.

SECTIONALS – MR Schue is here and no one cares. To be honest I didn’t even notice he was gone… awkward.

Back to the Marley drama, and I know I should care about eating disorders and such but this storyline is soooo boring and I don’t care. Give me some more Quinn already. Oh Ryder gives the dance lead to Jake (even though he hasn’t rehearsed it or told anyone else) because it’s the only way they are going to win.

GANGNAM STYLE! Of course Tina had to take the lead on this one – that’s not racist at all Glee, well done. It’s a pretty boring performance and really the Warblers should win but Quinn and Kitty do share a moment so that makes up for it a little bit.

Marley collapses… which I’m sure is supposed to be a massive cliffhanger but I don’t care enough to be worried. Changes are they will win anyway and Jake and/or Ryder and/or Finn will fix Marley with their magic penis’s and all will be well until the nest time Marley has an eating disorder because this show has the worse Aesop amnesia I have ever experienced. 

…and that’s what you missed on Glee.

P.S Quinn is the prettiest.