Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Recapturing Teen Wolf: Exposition and Angst

Previously on Teen Wolf… Jennifer doesn’t know anything about Derek (or does she?). Young Peter Hale is a hottie that occasionally possesses people. There are hunters; they’ve been around for a while. The spiral means revenge and Boyd died for Derek’s manpain.

A boy runs through the woods and I could pretend that we don’t know who it is but let’s face it we all know that’s the young Derek, who will from this moment on be referred to as Baby Derek. So anyway, Baby Derek runs through the woods, he’s being chased by something, he falls beside one of those sonic light thingy’s that Chris Argent likes and now we know he’s not running, he’s being herded by the Argents.

Derek's life... sucks. That's all that happens on this show. Ever.
Baby Derek runs into someone, I’m guessing it’s another wolf because he recognizes Derek and a Hale. It doesn’t really matter what that guy thinks because he has an arrow through his neck. Gross. Baby Derek just stands there like a stunned mullet (ugh I am having so many Season 1 Scott feels) while the hunter raises his crossbow. Never fear though because young Peter jumps in and catches the arrow before it can hit Derek and they run away.

Nice save Peter, now use it to stab yourself in the face.
Enter the Argents. Gerard’s looking spry so we can guess that this is at least a few years ago but it’s not so long ago that he looks completely different, which is confusing because Peter looks very different. The wolf that got an arrow to the throat apparently killed two hunters. Whoops.

Chris Argent has a code, everyone else just likes killing things. 
Chris Argent is there too, he orders the hunters to capture but not kill the other wolves… because poor sweet naive Chris still thinks that the code is still a thing. You can practically see Gerard swallowing his laughter: “Oh Chris, son, you and your quaint little code… let’s go torture some teenagers”.

They search, but they’re not looking very hard because they totally miss the underground like bunker/storage space. IDK what to call it without giving away major plot details. Whatever, young Peter and Baby Derek are hiding there. That’s what they were taught to do Cora’s voiceover tells us.

These shots are a thing in this episode.
Cora is at the loft, it’s raining because it’s always raining when people are looking intently out the window of Derek’s loft. She’s telling Stiles about that one time Derek and Peter hid out in the woods for 2 days – it’s seemingly random but actually connected to a completely unanticipated story they are about to hear (oh Jeff).

Derek’s missing, for something new and different. Apparently Stiles is worried because he’s hanging out at the loft with Cora questioning whether or not it’s normal for Derek to be gone for so long. Stiles, dude, he just killed one of his pack members, maybe he needs a couple of days to you know have some more super awesome healing sex with Jennifer, I don’t know.

Cora: Why do you care?

Yes Stiles, why do you care? I mean you keep saying that you don’t care but your actions suggest differently and this isn’t a shippy thing. I’m not talking about romantic feelings I am just talking about general feelings of maybe not wanting Derek to be dead. It’s okay to care Stiles. We get it, no homo. And I promise caring about Derek in no way impedes your devotion to Scott. You’re team Scott but even Scott’s team alive!Derek. Is it really that hard to admit you care Stiles?

But seriously, feelings are for gay dudes!
Stiles: Why do I care? Let’s see because over the last few weeks my best friend’s tried to kill himself, his boss nearly got ritually sacrificed, a girl that I’ve known since I was 3 was ritually sacrificed. Boyd was killed by alphas… do you want me to keep doing? Because I can, for like an hour!

Thanks for that handy recap of everything that has happen so far this season Stiles and I understand that you’re currently in the midst of a mental breakdown but that still doesn’t really answer Cora’s question.

Cora: You think Derek can do anything about that?

Oh Cora, sometimes I like you. I don’t trust you at all. But I like you. At least someone understands that Derek can’t do anything and it would probably be better for everyone including himself if he just sat this one out.

Stiles: Since he’s the one everyone seems to be after it’s more like he should do something about it.

Wait. Did Scott not tell you about the werewolf!Jesus thing? Because didn’t everyone work out last week that they are actually after Scott not Derek? I don’t know what I expected.

One of these things is not like the other... why are you there Stiles? 
Then everyone’s favorite creeper uncle comes down the stairs from nowhere and I can’t help but wonder – did Cora and Stiles know he was there? Or was he just hiding at the top of that spiral staircase that may or may not lead to another dimension? And now Peter is offering information and no body is suspicious? Y’all deserve everything that happens to you.

Apparently Derek was a lot like Scott… unbearable romantic, profoundly narcissistic and tolerable really only to other teenagers. And yup that’s pretty much Season 1 Scott. Except Scott got better, Derek did not… Of course, as with all good narratives featuring a white male protagonist it started with a girl. Also it has something to do with his eyes because that’s the hype about this episode.

Stiles: You’re telling me some girl broke his little heart that’s why Derek is the way he is?

… said everyone watching this episode because I mean really? Seriously Jeff? We’re going there? After everything else that has happened to Derek you expect me to believe he is the way he is because of a girl?

Gerard looks legit terrified of Allison and he should be. One day, she'll return without Scott and cut you.
Meanwhile Gerard is still leaking black goo in the home for retired hunters and he’s got a visitor. It’s Allison and she’s brought someone with her at Gerard’s request (although she doesn’t seem happy about it). Gerard wants Scott to take away some of his pain and Scott is willing to do it as long as Gerard tells them everything he knows. Gerard agrees and Scott drains his pain, it does not look like a pleasant experience.

Opening Credits!

She's so different from all the other girls. 
Tick, tock… it’s a clock. No wait this isn’t The Hunger Games, it’s actually a metronome. There’s a girl with long dark hair and a cute face, she seems oddly familiar, and she’s playing the cello. She’s distracted by the sound of basketball bouncing outside the room. She tries to ignore it at first but it’s too much.

Get your head in the game Baby Derek.
She walks out to confront the group of dickheads that are playing sports in the hall. The boy with the ball turns around and cue music and man is this cheesy but I don’t even care because I’m already a little bit in love with Baby Derek because that smirk is so adorable and he seems so not broken but it’s still very clearly Derek.

Treat em mean, keep em keen. 
Manic Pixie Cello girl is not affected by Baby Derek’s adorable smirk (even though she clearly is) because she needs to practice and Derek playing with his ball is distracting her.

Manic Pixie Cello Girl: Now see I was practicing in the music room and I’m pretty sure basketball practice takes place in the gym.
Baby Derek: Well I’m pretty sure basketball practice takes place anywhere you have a basketball.

Baby Derek is kind of an asshole… and I am sorry to say that I am even more attracted to him. I know, I’m the worst. Manic Pixie Cello Girl turns to leave but Baby Derek has a proposition for her. If she can take his ball, he’ll stop bouncing it. She does try to take it but Baby Derek gets carried away with showing off his mad skills so she walks away.

Baby Derek is clearly not used to being rejected (because of course he’s not have you seen him) so naturally he chases after the Manic Pixie Cello Girl. He tries to apologize and she pretends to be not interested. Then there’s a bit about her name and him playing an instrument that was so obvious that my mum picked it. My mum never picks anything. I’m just going to assume that she gave him a really easy task because she wanted to give him her name, which is Paige by the way.

Perfect casting is perfect.
Derek: My name is…
Paige: I know who you are.

And I’ll admit that was kind of cute and it’s nice to have canonical evidence that Derek is attracted to quirky, yet slightly intense, outsiders that don’t take any of his bullshit but I think we all know where this is going. The jerk jock falls for the cute misfit only to have it all end in tragedy thus altering him forever. Let’s move on.

Kudos to the casting department though! That is some exceptional casting for both those youngster. Brilliant. Keep doing what you’re doing TWCD.

Back to Gerard, for a little bit more telling not showing. They found another dead Doctor right after Scott saved Deaton.

Allison is me watching this episode - pay attention to Allison's face because it is the best thing.
Gerard: Right after? Almost like it was expected he’s survive.

You don’t say? It’s almost like they used Deaton as a distraction? But then there’s another distraction because Gerard accuses Deaton of being the Darach and Scott goes into defense mode.

If you don't kill Gerard I'm going to hurt Jeff Davis. 
Gerard: You’d be surprised how far some people would go to get rid of someone like Deucalion.
Allison: Or someone like you?

Wow there is a lot of anger coming from Allison and it’s perfect. How do I start a petition to get Allison to put a bunch of arrows through Gerard’s head? Maybe after Stiles has beaten him with a baseball bat because that is really the only satisfying conclusion to this storyline. Allison definitely wants to kill him, I think they should just let her do it. DO IT ALLISON!

Anyway, Gerard is a medical mystery. His cancer is gone yet he won’t stop leaking black goo. Naturally the doctor’s a baffled (but they obviously haven’t told the rest of the medical community or Beacon Hills would be swarming with the medical elite). Scott doesn’t care he just wants to know how to beat Deucalion. Gerard says he can’t be beaten but when Allison threatens to leave he adds:

Allison is the actual hero of this show.
Gerard: Deucalion may have lost his eyes. But he’s not always blind.

Back at loft Peter is still telling Stiles and Cora his completely true and unbiased version of the events that led up to Derek’s eye color change. But before we get back to the story Stiles continues in his trend of saying exactly what the fandom is thinking…

Stiles face is also my face in this episode. 
Stiles: Okay so if Derek was a sophomore back then how old was he? How old were you? How old ate you now? 
Peter: Not as young as we could have been but not as old as you might think.

Okay that was officially the most frustrating thing ever. Cora doesn’t seem concerned though so obviously it’s a Hale thing (Jeff honey I want to trust that you have an answer to these questions but given your track record for continuity and timelines I’m finding it difficult).

Stiles: Okay that was frustratingly vague. (to Cora) How old are you?
Cora: I’m 17.
Stiles: See that’s an answer. That’s how we answer people.
Cora: I’m 17 in how you measure years.
Stiles: All right I’m just gonna drop it.

I think that’s best for everyone. Trying to find logic in Teen Wolf just hurts everyone involves. We should just ignore it and focus on the manpain and shirtless boys (of which there are a severe lack of in this ep). Let’s get back to Baby Derek and his Manic Pixie Cello Girl (aka Paige) – what happened there?

Peter: What do you think happened? They’re teenagers. One minute it’s I hate you don’t talk to me. The next it’s frantic groping in any dark corner they can many to find themselves in alone for 5 minutes.

Young love... it's soooo boring. 
That sounds about right. Fucking teenagers. Only one thing on their mind. Apparently Derek was creepy even when he was cool because he liked to take his lady friend to an abandon distillery just outside of town. First off – protip: If a anyone tries to take you to an abandon building outside of town, DO NOT GO WITH THEM. Secondly – how many fucking abandoned building are there in this town?

Stiles: All right hold up. How do you know all this? You just said that they were alone?
Peter: Back then I wasn’t just Derek’s uncle. I was his best friend. His closest confidant. That’s how I knew.

Everything is Peter's fault! EVERYTHING! 
Cut to Peter creeping outside the abandoned distillery watching Baby Derek and Manic Pixie Paige through a hole in the wall. No Peter, that’s not being his friend or confidant. That’s being the world’s creepiest asshole. Well there goes all the head canon that Peter was actually a decent person before the fire. He’s always been creepy as fuck. Who watches their nephew making out with a girl? I feel gross just thinking about it Peter. You’re a terrible person. I hope Lydia cuts your balls off.

I would love to be able to spend the rest of this recap contemplating why Peter is watching following his nephew everywhere. Also why he looks so much younger than everyone else? And why he’s never seen talking to anyone else? But unfortunately we have to get back to generic teen romance number 2.

His completely human senses have detected danger. 
They like each other, just the way that they are. Baby Derek is terrible at pretending to not be a werewolf. Seriously did he just say that he smelt blood? Whatever at least they are smart enough to run at the first sign of trouble.

Backstreets back all right! 
Turns out the abandoned distillery is a popular place for secret meetings because it’s about to hold an alpha summit. The packs all enter in slow motion because slow motion is still a thing that this show is addicted to. Kali, Deucalion and Ennis are all there with their packs. Ennis is pissed off because one of his wolves died. Kali doesn’t care and Deucalion thinks he probably deserved it (also Duke’s second Marco is kind of a dick).

Gerard explains what we have just seen, because apparently we’re idiots and Allison wonders why all the packs chose to come here. Well apparently they came because there was an exceptionally powerful Alpha that lived in Beacon Hills. She had an unusual ability that made her something of a leader. A person they went to for advice and guidance.

It's funny because most of those people are dead now.
Howl! The packs stop fighting. Slow motion. Again. It’s a wolf. But it’s not a wolf, it’s actually badass BAMF ALPHA Talia Hale (aka Derek’s mom). She’s naked and she’s awesome and her offsider (who I am assuming is Laura) brought a jacket with her so she doesn’t have to have the serious talk while naked.

Same Laura. Same. 
Talia thinks that the hunters had every right to kill that one guy from Ennis’s pack because of the code. Deucalion seems to follows Scott’s philosophy of: “can’t we all just get along”. Ennis does not agree.

Deucalion: Ennis don’t, don’t make us part of a historical cliché. Which two such powers it never ends with an eye for an eye. A skirmish becomes a war. Murder becomes a massacre and we end up no better than our enemies.

Did someone say foreshadowing? No because that only works when it’s subtle Teen Wolf likes to hit you over the head with a metaphorical brick several times just in case it did make enough of a dent the first time. Ennis ignores the history lesson and uses his claws to carve a spiral into the metal walls.

Werewolves are so melodramatic.
Peter draws the same spiral and reminds us that it’s the werewolf symbol for vendetta (remember way back in Season 1 Peter used that symbol to lure Laura back to Beacon Hill so he could kill her and take her power – good times – that Peter is a totally stand up guy that should completely be left alive).

Remember that time your whole family burnt to death... 
Cora explains that it’s not just revenge. Losing a pack member is not like losing a family member, it’s like losing a limb. Damn it must have sucked when your whole family/pack died at the same time. Speaking of that, did we ever find out how you survived the fire Cora? Because I feel like that’s something we should probably know.

Back in the past – Papa Stilinski (who is not yet Sheriff) bursts into the hospital to stop Ennis from killing anyone on account of no one will let him take the pieces of his friend out of the hospital.

Even as a deputy he was too badass for you.
Sheriff: No matter how close you were you’re not related.
Ennis: He was family to me.

We’re getting conflicting ideas about family and pack here and I’m not sure what to think about them. Or if they mean anything at all.

Cora: What does this have to do with Derek?
Peter: Everything, it’s never just a single moment it’s a confluence of events.

Dramatic pause for emphasis. 
Well that seems like a significant quote that everyone should probably pay attention to, while ignoring the way that Peter talks himself up and Derek down. Where Peter saw loss, Derek saw the opportunity to always be with her. And wait a minute are werewolves like vampires now? Do they stay forever young while watching their human loves whither and die? That seems to be what they’re suggesting here, and I’m going to ignore it because it’s stupid. I keep telling people that Teen Wolf isn’t Twilight dammit! Don’t let me down Teen Wolf.

Derek is at school trying to learn but he’s distracted by Paige playing her cello so he decides to distract her by lurking in the corner of the room and watching no sorry listening. Because while he’s a younger, less fucked-up Derek, he’s still Derek.

Derek: Am I distracting you?
Paige: No I’ve got laser like focus.

At least these kids have chemistry. 
Derek decides to test her focus by biting oh her ear and it’s so hot that it’s making me feel really uncomfortable because these kids are really young and I should not be thinking about them like that. It also makes me super uncomfortable because is Peter still telling this part of the story? Is he watching this happen? JFC Peter Hale is so creepy it actually makes me want to throw up.

Meanwhile in generic romance number 2: they love each other and they kiss and awww.

They're in love but don't get too attached because it's not going to end well. 
Peter: The thing was he had this constant fear. He was obsessing over it. Thinking about it all night, all day, always on his mind.

Now here’s where things get slightly interesting because what Peter says really doesn’t match up with what we are seeing. Now we know we can’t trust Peter, but does that mean we can trust what we are being shown?

Baby Derek stares at Paige – who eats lunch alone because of course she does, she doesn’t play that high school popularity game she cares about important things like music and Baby Derek – when he is interrupted by Peter.

Baby Derek thinks it's creepy that Peter is hanging around the school... irony
Derek: What are you doing here?
Peter: I’m looking out for my favorite nephew making sure no one has a crossbow aimed at your throat.

Well now we know that Peter is no longer in school – although apparently it’s a Hale trait to hang around high schools after you have graduated. And that Derek doesn’t really like Peter.

Derek: I could get you banded from school grounds.
Peter: No one would ban me from anywhere, I’m too good looking.

Two things. One: Peter, you might be a creepy evil asshole but damn you’re sassy bastard and I love that. Two: YOU CAN GET PEOPLE BANNED FROM SCHOOL GROUNDS? Why did I not know this? Because if this is a possibility then I have a list – at the top of this list is Peter Hale, but Derek comes a close second. The list also includes, Chris Argent, Gerard Argent, Cora Hale and of course Deucalion. So let’s get that ban enforced right away and stop these people from just wandering into school to threaten teenagers whenever they fucking feel like it.

Anyway, Peter is weirdly curious about Paige. He wants to know why she eats alone. Baby Derek tells him that she likes to study at lunch also she doesn’t like his friends. Peter’s doesn’t like Baby Derek’s friends either, but he does like Paige. We don’t know why he’s sp interested in her though? But it can’t be good.

What is it with Reece's and profound statements about love?
Peter: That one over there, she’s perfect for you and perfect combinations are rare in an imperfect world.

Wait, haven’t we heard something like that before: “sometimes there’s other things you wouldn’t think would be a good combination that end up turning out to be a perfect combination.” Make of that what you will.  But Peter is also eating Reeces Peanut Butter cup, just like Lydia was.

But that’s not the point of Peter’s rant. He just wants to let Baby Derek know that he would be thinking about the same thing, all the time… what if she finds out?

Peter: You know what always happens. One minute you’re in this blissful teen romance and next she sees fangs, glowing eyes, claws. 
Derek: She doesn’t have to find out.
Peter: But they always do. Especially when they’re perfect for you.

Let's talk about this girls future without her because what she wants doesn't matter.
Interesting repetition of “always”, suggesting that this has happened before. I don’t know if that was intentional or not but it seems like it was. That kind of repetition and emphasis usually is. Also Derek really is Season 1 Scott thinking he could keep his werewolf side hidden from his ladylove forever. Poor, naïve, baby Derek. There’s only one option, give her the bite.

Peter: I kept telling him not to do it. Every day the more I thought about it the more convinced he became. You know teenagers I bet he even blames me. He’s probably convinces himself the whole thing was my idea.

Locker Room, what are you doing?
That’s probably because it was Peter’s idea. While Peter is explaining to Stiles and Cora that he was against the whole thing his younger self is trying to convince Baby Derek that it’s the only way. It’s the only way she’ll stay younger and more beautiful and are we back at the Twilight thing again? Seriously Jeff.

"I am not what I am"
Peter: (whispering in Derek’s ear) Derek, the bite id s gift.

Remember how I said Teen Wolf likes to bludgeon you with it’s significant moments… remember how Jeff said Peter was Derek’s Iago well he wasn’t joke because this is he most unsubtle character allusion I have ever seen. Peter is LITERALLY Iago to Derek’s Othello. Like that is actually the story we are being told right now. I love this show but sometimes it makes me irrationally angry.

Chris and Gerard are checking out that underground hideaway that Baby Derek and Young Peter hid out in for two days. There’s a druid symbol and some sacrificial blood. I don’t know what you guys think but this place seems pretty significant.

This place is either really significant or they could only afford two locations for this ep.
Chris: It’s a sacred meeting place. Ancient Celtic druids would usually choose a large older tree in a grove to represent the centre of the world. There’s a belief that cutting or harming the tree in any way would cause serious problems for the surrounding villages.

You don’t say Chris? Please tell me more…

Chris: Fires, plagues, strife, death and destruction of all kinds.

Fires you say? Death and destruction? In Beacon Hills? Never! None of this is relevant to anything every so we should just move on and ignore everything Chris just said.

Allison! Just kill him. You'll feel so much better. 
Allison: How does he know all about Celtic symbols and druids?

I just really love Allison okay? Because she doesn’t even trust her own father. I mean it’s super sad and it makes me feel very emotional but also Allison is a fantastic character.

Allison cannot believe you are buying this crap Scott.
Then it’s time for a history lesson and we get dumped with a whole bunch of expositional mythology all at once. Some Greeks liked Prometheus better than Zeus (namely Prometheus’s son Deucalion). They had a party and apparently Hannibal cooked (the meal was people) Zeus was not pleased, he punished Lycaon and his sons by turning them into wolves. Lycaon sort out the druids, who were supposedly shape shifters, and they taught him how to shift from wolf to human form… thus werewolves. After that druids became important to the packs. Like advisors called emissaries.

Cora and Stiles? Are we supposed to be shipping them?
Cora: They keep us connected to humanity.

The emissaries are kept secret – sometimes only the alpha knows. Derek and Cora had no idea about Deaton. Whether or not Peter knew us unknown – but given what happened in Season 1 I think we can assume he knew something. Peter also knows that Morell is an emissary for the Alpha pack.

Stiles: Our guidance councilor? Why the hell don’t you people tell me any of this stuff? I shared some really intimate details with her.
Cora: And did she give you good advice?
Stiles: Actually yeah.

Well that’s what they do, and that’s what Deaton did for Talia.

Flashback to Deaton, Talia and Deucalion discussing the idea of making some kind of treaty with Gerard – Deaton does not think that’s a very good idea and neither does Talia. But it has nothing to do with the fact that the Argents are supposedly a matriarchy.

If anyone gets brought back from the dead it should be Talia. 
Talia: Actually I was speaking about the fact that he’s a complete psychopath. I mean the man cuts people in half with a broad sword.

Oh Talia, why did you have to be dead? You are amazing. I love you. And I will be forever disappointed that I never got to see you and Victoria Argent go up against each other. Although I might have died watching it, it would have been worth it. Talia is amazing, but why oh why didn’t Derek get any of her smarts?

Deucalion is shocked by Deaton and Talia’s lack of faith in people. Surely Gerard cares about his men? Instead of just saying ditto to what Talia said, Deaton has a cryptic story to tell about a scorpion and a frog.

Storytime with Dr. D. 
A scorpion asks a frog to carry it across a stream. The frog is like hell no you’re gonna sting me. The scorpions all nah bro why would I do that, we would both die. The frog thinks this is pretty sound logic so he agrees to carry the scorpion. Halfway across the stream the scorpion’s like psyche and bites the frog killing them both. When the frog asks why the scorpion says it was in its nature. The end.

tl;dr “All your faith in humanity might not matter if you underestimate Gerard’s nature.”

Someone is wandering around the school at night again… of course it’s Jennifer Paige. WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP HANGING OUT AT THE SCHOOL AT NIGHT? It never ends well. It’s stupid.

Don't hang out at the school at night. 
Paige has got a folded peace of paper in her hand, which I am going to assume is a note from Derek asking her to meet him at the school. Right so he tricked her into going to the school at night so she could be bitten against her will by a man she doesn’t know? Well done Derek. You’ve pretty much ticked all the boxes with that one. JFC Derek did your mother never sit you down and explain to you little thing called consent?

Worst boyfriend ever! 
Now I know, he was manipulated by Peter but here’s the thing about Othello. While we know that the real bad guy was Iago, that doesn’t excuse Othello’s actions. Iago was manipulative and selfish and generally a terrible person but Othello was weak (let’s ignore the underlying racism for this example okay).  Derek is weak and although his heart is in the right place he is easily manipulated and he consistently makes the wrong decision.

Ennis is there waiting for Paige, she drops the note and runs away… in slow motion, because why the fuck not. Derek’s sitting in the locker room fondling a basketball and listening to the woman he loves get attacked.

Back in the present, Cora wants to know why Peter chose Ennis to give Paige the bite considering he’s the worst alpha. Peter’s like it made sense, he needed a new pack member and he wanted to get in good with Talia because everyone wanted to get in good with Talia.

Stiles believes in Derek.
Stiles: He doesn’t remember it was Ennis does he?
Peter: If he does, he keeps it to himself.

Derek keeps everything to himself. Why does this surprise everyone? And why wouldn’t he remember it was Ennis? I’m trying to make sense of this clusterfuck again, someone stop me.

Who are you?
Derek seems to have a last minute change of heart (or he didn’t actually plan all of this and it was actually Peter but it sure sounded like he was listening to what was happening and why else would he be at the school so late) so he rushes to defend Paige. A 15-year-old boy against a giant. He loses and there was no point in fighting because Paige has already been bitten.

Gerard tells Scott and Allison that Deaton came to him to arrange a meeting with Deucalion. He wasn’t going to fall for it though.

Allison is still having none of your shit Gerard. 
Gerard: As William Blake said, any sinister person who means to be your enemy always starts by trying to become your friend.

That’s some good advice there Gerard, I wonder if it fits with anything else that is going on in this episode. Namely that the two biggest villains just happen to want to be helpful at the same time because they have discovered the error of their ways. Not suspicious at all.

Gerard tells the same story as Deaton – except in his it’s a turtle not a frog. Also Scott has really been studying up on his myths and legends this summer – point new Scott! Gerard knows the true nature of werewolves and he wasn’t about to trust them. Interesting that we get the same story from two different sides and it’s up to us to decide which one is the scorpion and which one is the frog/turtle.

Secret werewolf fight club!
They meet at the abandon distillery, because they already had that set dressed and this is the cheep episode. Gerard threatens with science and then breaks Deucalion’s heart by betraying him and releasing some kind of gas that incapacitates the wolves. Gerard then takes his homemade spiked mace and clubs everyone to death. No one should invite Gerard anywhere, ever.

Where do I get one of those? 
At the loft Peter is upset, and we soon find out why. Paige was bitten but she didn’t turn. Peter is genuinely emotion about this. 

Peter: Most of the time the bite takes. Most of the time.

What ever you want to believe about this story Peter obviously has an emotional connection to it.
Stiles gets it, he remembers what Peter told him when he offered him the bite. It either turns you or kills you.

Peter's lurking again.
Young Peter rushes into the druid basement where he finds Baby Derek cradling Paige in his arms (why did Derek take her there?). She’s leaking black goo and generally that is a not a good sign.  Baby Derek looks at Young Peter and asks what’s happening to her. Young Peter doesn’t answer but Peter says that he already knew.

Peter: It didn’t matter that she was young and strong, some people just aren’t made for this.

When Stiles cries angels lose their wings... especially when he cries about Derek.
Stiles is crying and you know that means I’m crying. I guess that just hits a little too close to home for him considering what happened to his mother. Also he’s sad because Derek’s life really does suck (although this added tragic back-story actually adds nothing to his character so you want to hope it has another purpose because otherwise that was a fucking waste of 40 minutes).

Revenge is a thing.
Deucalion crawls out of the abandoned building, Gerard follows slowly. He’s taking his time, no need to rush when he’s already won. Gerard leans over Deucalion’s body.

Deucalion: I had a vision, a vision of peace.
Gerard: A little short sited.

And that’s pretty much my limit for the sight puns. I know I love puns but you can have too much of a good thing and Teen Wolf loves reminding me of that.

This doesn't even make sense! Did he stab him with sparklers?
Gerard stabs Deucalion in the eyes with two flash bomb arrows and I guess you could say that sparks fly. It’s very visually spectacular but I can’t help but wonder why Gerard didn’t kill Deucalion? He could have? But instead he blinded him? Was in some kind of torture that backfired. Like he wanted him to lead a half-life but then it only made him more powerful.

Not okay Jeff.
Back in the druid cellar (under the special druid tree) Paige is still dying in Derek’s arms and I have to admit as pointless as this storyline is, it’s actually tugging on my heartstrings. It’s dirty, and loud and angry and exactly how a good TV death should be. Plus those two kids actually have a crazy amount of chemistry and I’m willing to forgive the super fast intensity of their romance because they’re 15; it’s always true love when you’re 15.

Too cliche to live.
Paige: I knew.
Derek: What’d you mean?
Paige: Right after I told you my name. I think I knew. I’ve seen things in this town, things no one really could explain and then there’s the way that you talk. How you say things like how you’d catch a scent. And I know you can hear things, things no one else can hear. I knew.
Derek: And you still liked me?
Paige: I loved you.

But even though those kids act the hell out of this scene if doesn’t forgive the fact that this is the most pointless, ridiculous, storyline we have ever seen on this show. Not to mention it is basically a textbook fridging. Seriously if I were teaching a course of problematic tropes for female characters I would show this episode. The worst part is that it is totally unnecessary. Derek does not need a tragic back-story. He already has one! How am I supposed to care about Paige’s death – which is completely Derek’s fault BTW – when it’s going to be surpassed by all the terrible things that are about to happen?

Still so so angry.
God damn it Jeff – this is the third person that has been fridged for Derek this season and this is the worst because Paige literally served no other purpose than being the Manic-Pixie-Love-Interest-That-Loved-The-Monster-In-Derek-Even-Though-It-Led-To-Her-Death. Why Jeff? WHY? You promised us answers but you gave us pointless clichés and more questions.

Derek drains her pain, they cry, she asks if she’s going to die and he says yes. She begs him to make it stop – she can’t take it anymore. He agrees. Baby Derek hugs his first love and then kills her to put her out of her misery. It happens.

Killing woman... again. 
Peter: I remember taking her body from his arms to the woods to a place where I knew that it would be found.

It an episode that has be all about unreliable narrators I think it’s pretty significant that we are told this and not shown it. We see Derek crying over the body and then Peter tells us that he took the body, but what we have learnt though this episode is that we should never trust anything Peter says.

Oh and remember how the point of this story was actually about the eye color? Yeah, well here’s the unfulfilling conclusion to that mystery. Killing an innocent person takes a part of your soul… basically Derek Hale made a horcrux. OMG that makes so much sense! That’s why he always survives when he should have died. Eyes are the window to the soul, so they reflect what’s inside.

Does anyone else think the blue is prettier than the gold? I would totes kill someone for blue eyes.
Peter: Dimming the once brilliant golden yellow to a cold stale blue like mine.

But seriously – did we just sit through that boring teen romance for that? You could have told us that in so many different ways. Also it completely alters the Kate Argent storyline because I’m guessing hunters know about the eye color thing, which means as far as Kate new Derek was a killer. Not that I’m trying to excuse Kate’s actions – she was a psychopath – I’m just saying it changes Derek’s involvement in the whole thing.

I'm blind but now I see. 
Meanwhile Deucalion somehow survived Gerard’s attack and made it back to the animal clinic where Deaton bandaged his face only to take the bandages off right away? His eyes are gross BTW and he’s understandably angry. He yells at everyone to leave but that dickhead beta from earlier Marco decides that now’s a good time to challenge him.

Turns out Deucalion can see when he’s the wolf. I think? I don’t really understand that part because he’s not wolfed out when he kills Marco. And he doesn’t just kill him, he rips him to shreds. Also Talia and Deaton just let him because they must have heard that happening.

Scott: He sees as a wolf.
Gerard: He’s not always blind.

Allison thinks they can use that against him and decides that they got what they wanted so it’s time to go. Before they can leave Gerard ask for a little more pain relief and Scott reluctantly complies. When Scott is done, Gerard gives a speech about maybe handling the whole Scott situation a little differently and Scott surprises everyone (okay maybe just me) by not buying into Gerard’s crap!

Allison's just imagining killing Gerard again.
Scott: I don’t believe you. The whole time that you were telling your story I was listening to your heartbeat. It never went up and it never went down, It was steady the whole time.
Gerard: Because I was telling the truth.
Scott: Or because you’re a really good liar.

Scott grabs Gerard’s hand again.

Scott: If you liked and it gets people hurt I’ll be back to take away more than your pain.

Angry Scott is by far the sexiest Scott.
Damn Scott I have to say, I have never been more attracted to you (also Posey your threatening has improved immensely since Season 1). But that’s not the point because this is actually a big moment for Scott. Because Stiles, you expect Stiles not to trust people and not to believe them but Scott is the opposite. Scott trusts people, believes in people to a fault. He so desperately wants to believe the best in people that it has gotten him into trouble more than once. But not anymore. He is not going to trust Gerard or give him a second chance, he won’t kill him of course because he’s still the hero (Allison you should probably get on that) but he’s not going to let his goodness be used against him. Way to go Scott!

Back at the loft, Cora and Stiles are sitting on the stairs in the entrance even though there is actual furniture there. Stiles has that look on his face, like he needs to ask something that he really doesn’t want the answer to. Also Cora is apparently a student of Stiles facial expressions now. (Is it just me or did this relationship come out of nowhere? Do they know each other? Did they just start randomly hanging out?)

They want this to be a thing, I think?
Cora: What? What’s this look on your face?
Stiles: What look?
Cora: The kind of look that makes me want to punch you.
Stiles: oh my god you are so Derek’s sister. I forgot.
Cora: What is with the look?
Stiles: I just don’t believe him… All right in Ms Blake’s class we’re reading Heart of Darkness and it’s in first person right? Narrated by Marlow. The thing is that he’s an unreliable narrator. You know the details of it have changed you know just because of his perspective.
Cora: Well then we heard the story from Peter’s perspective.
Stiles: Right and I don’t think we got the whole story.
Cora: So what are you just gonna ask Derek about the girl he fell in love with and then killed?

Oh Cora my sweet summer child if you don’t think Stiles would do that you don’t know him at all. Stiles will ask all the embarrassing and awkward questions even when he doesn’t really want to because that’s how you get answers and Stiles really likes to have the answers. Also it’s nice to know that Stiles trusts Derek’s word at least more than he trusts Peter.

Baby Derek is still in the sacred druid basement, he’s crying, which is understandable considering he just killed his first love. That’s where his mother finds him. He tearfully confesses that he did something terrible and Talia tells him that she knows.

Talia Hale is better than you.
Baby Derek is apparently most upset by the fact that his eyes have changed color because now they don’t go with his outfit. Talia lifts his chin and says:

Talia: Different but still beautiful just like the rest of you.

Awww Talia Hale is runner up for mother of the year just behind Melissa McCall. Derek opens his eyes to look at his mother revealing the brilliant blue of MURDER!

Derek's still sad. No sadder than he was before so that episode was pretty much pointless for his character.
Cut to Derek, all grown up, alone in the abandoned distillery looking at the revenge spiral. Just in case you forgot this episode was about Derek… except it wasn’t not really. If you think about it all this season Derek has been the distraction. Everyone is supposed to think it’s about him when it’s really not. Derek’s story is there to prevent us from discovering what’s really being said.

To be continued…