Sunday, November 25, 2012

Let's Talk About Glee, Baby: New Directions needs a Hero

This episode was definitely slightly better than the last couple but that might just be because Glee has lowered my expectations so far that I no longer know what good is. This week Blaine has possibly the best post break-up breakdown ever and Finn is supposed to be a hero but I’m still not buying it.

All right so the last few episodes have shown that Blaine is not dealing so well with his break up – and I have been rather harsh in my responses to Blaine’s breakdown. This mainly stems from the fact that hurting Kurt is like kicking a puppy so I wasn’t really ready to forgive Blaine for cheating – seriously Kurt was gone for like 2 weeks, does he have no self restraint. And then he felt the need to fly to New York and alleviate his by telling Kurt, and then had the hyde to suggest it was Kurt’s fault.

I was especially pissed off because their relationship was paralleled with Finchel and it made me realize that Blaine was used to Kurt’s world revolving around him and the moment it doesn’t anymore (which is healthy by the way) he finds himself a Facebook slut… not cool Blaine. Really very not cool.

That said, I probably shouldn’t dismiss Blaine’s pain quite so harshly, I mean he’s not Finn (although they keep pushing him that way). Break-ups are hard, especially when you’re a teenager – because everything is just so extreme and believe it or not I actually quite liked the way that Glee dealt with Blaine’s pain.

This was the Glee I love (well the Glee I don't hate anyway), it was kitch and ridiculous and heightened to the point that it’s more fantasy that reality. Sure it got a bit preachy but I watched every episode of Seventh Heaven, I can handle preachy.

Blaine’s breakdown is, as I mentioned above, the best breakdown ever. Seriously next time I fuck up my relationship I am going to throw all my time, money and energy into creating a superhero alter ego. Her power will be fangirling and she will be called UndieGirl… oh wait.

Anyway the most exciting thing is that the gavel is back! I love that gavel, it should have it’s own spin off with Brad. Where Brad murders all the members of New Directions by bashing them with the gavel – it’s a family show obviously.

Blaine has started “The Secret Society of Superheroes Club” with the mission “to fight injustice, to right all of that which is wrong and preserve truth, justice and peace in the halls of McKinley high”. That’s quite a mission statement Blaine, what’s your stance on guys that cheat on their boyfriend?

First role call and new members – I’m not going to bore you by listing all the puntastic superhero names, you can google it but I will make a special note on the exasperated look on Blaine’s face when Artie uses his real name and he has to insist that there are no civilian identities in their super secret superhero society. Jeeze Artie how dumb can you be?

Suddenly – emergency in the choir room (and no Finn has not accidently shot himself again) queue slow motion run through the halls to epic superhero music… someone stole their nationals trophy and left a lap top in it’s place. Who would do that you ask? Well someone super sassy with a lot of disposable income… that could only mean one thing. DALTON! I am ridiculously excited to see the Warbler’s again – more than I should be considering they are supposed to be the villains. Unfortunately we have to live through the new generation drama first.

Marley still has body issues but Jake doesn’t care he still wants to go out with her but Glee Project boy jumps in and tells Jake that she is spoken for because she clearly can’t speak for herself. Then there is a testosterone-fuelled display of masculinity until Finn (who seems to have raided Mr Schue’s vest collection) steps in to play the hero.

Glee club welcomes its newest members – Kitty and Glee Project boy. Tina is not happy (which is just further proof that Tina is actually the only voice of reason in this whole show) but Finn’s just like shut up girl who I don’t know. Then Finn breaks the whiteboard marker and has a break down but it’s okay because he has a great lesson planned – Foreigner songs with costumes from around the world. Tina and Artie said it best – that is worst than Funk and Night of Neglect… put together. Then Blaine is upset because Finn didn’t notice that the trophy is missing so he runs off to rescue it.

Yay Beast – I vote that Beast should be in charge of New Directions because she is awesome in her very own superhero costume. Finn is upset because apparently the glee club doesn’t see him as an adult (why would they, half of them were in school with him six months ago). But yoda!Beast has to deliver the message for the week – Finn needs to be a hero.

Glee was brought to you this week by the word: Hero.

Finally DALTON!!!! How I have missed that staircase from nowhere. I’m having all kinds of Teenage Dream feels. Remember when Blaine was a decent character and the Warbler’s weren’t Bond villains? That was awesome.

Sebastian, I thought I recognized your sassy scent when we were brought on board. Seriously though, I love you and I think you and Kitty should join forces to take over the world. Oh that’s right, you’re nice now… being nice sucks. But that’s okay because there’s a new baddie in town - Hunter Clarington, the new captain of the Warblers and he’s not even remotely bi-curious but I’m pretty sure that’s because he hasn’t met Blaine yet.

Hunter is on a mission to get Blaine back on the darkside, which is super convenient because that’s the name of the song they are about to sing. They give Blaine a new Dalton blazer and you know what goes well with a Dalton blazer? An impromptu song! Blaine can’t resist a good pop song.

I know I’m supposed to hate the Warblers and not want Blaine to go back to them but if they want me to think that they have to stop making their performances so adorable. Blaine is supposed to be in front of those boys – and again my Darren feels are taking over because that boy can rock a pop song. Also Hunter if you’re not even remotely bi-curious then why are you song flirting with Blaine?

Back at McKinley – Finn is in costume… oh honey. I can’t even hate him when he’s this hopeless. He’s come up with a new lesson – “Dynamic Duits” (EPISODE TITLE) and he’s pairing Kitty with Marley and Glee Project boy with Jake so they can work out their issues.

Kitty has this covered; she’s the Femme Fatale because in French it means “kill women” (it doesn’t btw for those of you are stupid). But really all Glee cares about are the men so let’s get to them. Jake wants the bury the hatchet but Glee project boy is still on a testosterone high so they decide to sing their feelings – “Superhero”.

Okay so here’s the problem, I think I might have started shipping Jake and Glee Project boy who will now be known as Ryder because he it turns out he can have chemistry just not with Marley. Come on guys, seriously stop pretending to be fighting over the girl and get it on already! Well they don’t exactly make out but they do roll around on the floor, which is pretty good but Finn is jealous so he makes them stop.

Yoda!Finn decides that these boys need to reveal their kryptonite to each other… of course Finn doesn’t tell either of them that they need to actually ask Marley what she wants because that is silly, Marley is just a girl she doesn’t know what’s good for her.

Blaine back and he’s got a confession to make – he cheated on New Directions with the Warblers. Finn is not happy but Blaine is not happy either, he misses Kurt so he’s decided to do what he does every time something happens – change schools. I’m pretty sure your not allowed to just flip between schools like that but this scene does get props for this exchange.

Blaine: You need a team that’s gonna gel.
Finn: Yes, we need a team with a lot of gel and you’re like the biggest part of that.

Marley has body issues, and Kitty is determined to help her (NOT). She’s still bulimic – I guess Ryder's manhero talk didn’t help after all. Again, I know I am supposed to hate Kitty but I just really want to meet her good friends the finger sisters. Also they hug, which is nice.

Captain Sam is still the best thing about this show… he has a jock strap on his face and he’s doing Bane from The Dark Knight Rises. But that is not the point of this scene because it’s actually Ryder and Jake bonding time – Jake doesn’t fit in because he’s mixed-race and half Jewish and Ryder can’t read! Man I would have given anything for Jake to hug Ryder and say: “I’ll teach you how to read” - bonus for hand kisses.

Holy hormones Batman, Kitty’s cat suit is insanely hot… sorry Marley/Kitty bonding time, which would actually be kind of cute if it wasn’t for the fact that Kitty has given Marley an eating disorder. Why do the girls on this program have to be so shitty to each other when the guys get to have sweet bonding moments and become friends?

Kitty and Marley sing and it’s awesome but I might just be distracted by Kitty’s cat suit.

My beloved Brit Brit is concerned because she can’t smell raspberry hair gel – where is Blaine Warbler… Well Finn’s says he’s been having a hard time recently and Tina is like “oh boo hoo get over it it’s like a bad lifetime movie” – Tina you are me. But then everyone is upset because Blaine is defecting back to the Warblers. TRAITOR.

Jake goes to Finn for help and Finn takes Ryder to the learning centre where we learn that he’s dyslexic… which is totally something new and different for Glee except for that time Sam was dyslexic at the beginning of Season 2. I mean do the Glee writers not watch their own show? But whatever because now we need to listen to Ryder’s man pain aka Shut Up Cis White Boy: the Musical Part 2.

Then Jake’s flirting with Marley’s mum so he can prove he’s a good guy and he’s about to defend her honour with masculine violence when Ryder to he rescue so he doesn’t actually have to get beaten up. I guess Ryder and Jake are best friends now, which is a problem seeing as Jake is trying to steal Ryder’s girl.

Jake needs some advice, so he calls the most obvious choice – his half brother Puck who is apparently working as a prostitute. Puck has some fantastic advice – don’t do anything because no one can resist a Puckerman so she’ll come to him soon enough.

Back to sad!Blaine and this time it’s Captain Sam to the rescue. Blaine’s talking about how it was while he was with the other guy that he realized Kurt was the one (ah the lament of the cheater). But I have to admit that I did get some feelings when they showed the flashback of Blaine in post-sex-shame. We know that feel bro. But Captain Sam as a point, you have to forgive yourself. Yeah you cheated on your boyfriend and that’s a shitty thing to do and he has every right to never speak to you again but you got to stop hating yourself. It helps no one and it’s pointless. Long distance relationships suck and someone usually cheats, deal with it and move on.

And now they sing about it “We Can Be Heroes”. Can Sam and Blaine do all the songs together? They are so cute.

Blaine decides to stay at McKinley but they have one more mission – rescue the trophy from the Warblers and my favourite thing ever is Blaine and Sam running from the scene – BLAM! SLAINE! (For those of you that don’t know those are the ship names for the coupling of Sam and Blaine – and yes I do ship it).

Ryder can’t go out with Marley on Friday because he has to study… Marley thinks this is a brush off (she might have been pushed to this conclusion by Kitty but if she’s that gullible she kind of deserves it). Marley’s sick of being pushed around so she asks Jake out (I guess Puck’s advice was right)… I’m pretty sure this is going to be awkward.

Blaine and Captain Sam’s mission was a success as Sam describes it “it was epic Dalton was like Death Star meets Mordor meet Temple of Doom... I mean, I might be exaggerating but probably not”.

Apparently Finn has earned the title of hero, which is strange because he didn’t really do much this episode but whatever – hero is the buzz word.

Then here it is, the heartfelt group number to close the show… Glee I want to hate you but then everyone looks so happy singing and hugging and dancing – suddenly I have forgotten all the plot holes. Damn you Glee how did you know this was my weakness? I can’t resist a group musical number… oh no I’m, I’m caring! NOOOO!

Well that was a bit long but this episode has taught me something – Glee needs to have some balls and ditch the old cast. This episode wasn’t great but it was more coherent than most of the others and that was because it wasn’t constantly shifting between two storylines. Honestly when then old glee clubbers are around I just get really annoyed watching the new ones because I haven’t had time to care about them. Just cut your ties and move on or commit and follow the oldies away from Lima. It’s just too confusing.