Thursday, May 23, 2013

Recapturing Teen Wolf: Documenting History

Previously on Teen Wolf… Allison and Scott are still star-crossed lovers, Jackson’s body is fighting the bite and the hunters have declared war.

Isaac with the cheekbones is having dinner with his dad. It doesn’t look particularly comfortable as he informs not-Mr Leery where his grades are at the moment. Isaac is failing chemistry and he’s clearly terrified to tell his father. But when not-Mr Leery threatens to take things downstairs Isaac has no choice but to tell the truth.

Not-Mr Leery insists that’s he’s not mad but he does have to punish his son – it’s his parental duty – he tells Isaac to clean up the dishes and poor Isaac looks so relieved that it’s utterly heartbreaking when his father starts throwing the dishes at his son. Isaac cowers in the corner until a piece of glass cuts his cheek. Now Isaac’s mad (I guess he appreciated his cheekbones as much as I do) he pulls the glass out and his father is shocked as he watches the cut heal… supernaturally fast.

Not the cheekbones you bastard!
Isaac runs – he’s out of the house and on his bike before not-Mr Leery has recovered enough to follow him, but soon enough he’s in the car heading in search of his terrified son. Jackson watches from across the street, muttering “freaks” under is breath as he dumps bag full of black goo covered tissues into the trash.

Jackson, sweetie, you're really not in a position to judge. 
Not-Mr Leery drives around town searching for Isaac with the cheekbones – naturally it’s started raining – eventually he spots Isaac’s bike abandoned in a dangerous looking ally. Because he’s clearly an idiot not-Mr Leery gets out of the car to call for his son instead he sees something else in the mist. The creature chases not-Mr Leery back to his car. He thinks he’s safe behind the locked door but the mysterious creature just pulls the car door off and guts not-Mr Leery. I’d feel bad except I don’t.

Opening credits!

At the Argent abode, Allison is sneaking out – you can tell because she’s wearing her sneaky beanie. There’s a note in the mist on her car window, it says mid-night, she’s pretty happy about that.

Allison wanders though the woods alone, because she learnt nothing from last season, until she spots Scott. Scott’s a little paranoid on account of he watched Grandpa Argent literally cut a dude in half but Allison is sure she wasn’t followed. Allison thinks Scott is just antsy because it’s the full moon tomorrow night and Scott just wants some information about Grandpa Argent, which Allison doesn’t have. They kiss and Allison tells Scott she can stay away because it’s her parent’s date night.

Date night apparently consists of threatening the principal of Beacon Hills High School. It seems it’s time for a performance review. Chris, with the help of some henchmen, force principal Thomas into the back of a limo where Victoria is waiting. She’s disappointed in his performance. 

Principal Thomas: You can’t fire me!
Victoria Argent: True, but we can torture you.

Well I guess that counts as date, you know what they say the couple that tortures together stays together.

You can torture me any day.
Isaac with the cheekbones runs into Derek’s latest lair (it’s an abandoned train depot – at least it’s a step up from the burned ruins of the home his whole family died in). He screams for Derek who is of course waiting in the shadows, he’ll appear at the most dramatic moment. Isaac tells Derek that his dad is dead. Derek asks what he did but Isaac insists it wasn’t him.

At school the next day Stiles and Scott are heading to my favourite place in the world – the boys locker room! Stiles is talking about the full moon that evening, he’s worried on account of last time Scott made out with the girl Stiles has been in love with since third grade and tried to kill him. It wasn’t good.

Scott: I swear I don’t have the urge to maim and kill you.
Stiles: You know you say that now but then the full moon goes up and out comes the fangs and the claws and there’s a lot of howling and screaming and running everywhere and it’s very stressful on me so yes I’m still locking you up.

This is where the fandom gets the idea that Scott overshares about his sex life.
Then Scott’s going on about how good things are going with Allison. They’re good. Like really good. Stiles looks like he’s about to punch the smug look off Scott’s face until Scott asks if Stiles got something better than handcuffs this time. He did, as we find out when he opens his locker and the worlds longest chain starts pouring out.

There is no way to do this scene justice because it’s perfect, the timing, the looks on everyone’s faces especially Scott and Stiles. Scott looks scandalized and Stiles just looks complacent like he figured this was probably going to happen and it’s not the worst think people have thought about him. Whatever, it’s one of the funniest moments ever to happen on the show.

Coach Cupcake: Part of me wants to ask, the other part of me says knowing will be more disturbing than anything I could ever imagine.

Clearly Coach Cupcake doesn’t have my imagination because I can imagine some pretty disturbing things.

They go back to business as usual – let’s face it, it’s probably not the weirdest thing to come out of Stiles locker – until Scott looks up, he’s smelled something. There’s another werewolf in the locker room. Scott has no idea who it is, but we know its Isaac with the cheekbones.

Your face... I like it.
Outside Allison and Lydia are walking towards the school. It’s Lydia’s first day back. The doctor’s don’t know what happened to her they called it a fugue state, she can’t remember anything. Before they enter Allison asks Lydia if she’s sure she’s ready, Lydia’s like sure it’s not like her aunt’s a serial killer. Damn Lydia I love you but you can be needlessly mean sometimes. Too her credit, Allison just shrugs it off. That’s just Lydia.

Did Teen Wolf just pass the Bechdel test? I'm as shock as you ladies.
Lydia walks into the school confidently but her confidence disappears when everyone stops and stares at her. Maybe it’s the nine pounds she lost. But Lydia is not going to let this get to her, she puts on her game face a struts through the crowd.

Jackson: Does he know I drive a Porsche?
Back on the lacrosse field Jackson asks creepy-camera-guy aka Matt for a camera to shoot something in low light all night long. Also he drives a Porsche.

Stiles has a plan to help Scott figure out which of his team mates is a wolf, he’s switching with Danny, Scott’s playing goal. Scott still doesn’t get it and Stiles seriously doesn’t understand how Scott survives without him sometimes.

Scott very subtly sniffing his team mates.
The team lines up to take shots against Scott but instead of staying in goal like he’s supposed to instead he’s talking each player so he can get a good (and very indiscrete) sniff. It’s really creepy.

Coach Cupcake: What the hell is wrong with your friend?
Stiles: He’s failing two classes, he’s a little socially awkward and if you look close enough his jawline’s kind of uneven.

That’s why Stiles is our favourite – without his pithy commentary this show would be nothing (okay it wouldn’t be nothing but it certainly wouldn’t be what it is). Then Scott tackles Danny to the ground but Danny’s not weirded out because of his obvious crush that Scott feeds with oblivious flirting. Like when Danny tells Scott that his aftershave is Armani and Scott smiles his goofy smile and says that it’s nice.

Poor Danny getting led on by Scott's oblivious flirting. 
Then it’s Isaac’s turn because Jackson was too scared to face Scott. Isaac is growly, Scott is growly and Stiles is very very nervous because two werewolves are about to go up against each other in the middle of lacrosse practice. There’s an epic crash at the two werewolves hit each other and they both start to shift only snapping out of their aggression when they notice the Sheriff and two red-shirt deputies heading their way. Isaac begs Scott not to tell them before he is carted away by the police as a suspect in his father’s murder.

Stiles tells Scott this is not good because they can lock Isaac in a holding cell for 24 hrs. As in over night… during the full moon. – those cells are made for holding people not werewolves.

Danny: These idiots are discussing their secret identity loudly in the middle of a crowded classroom again.
Later in Mr. Harris’s chemistry class Stiles and Scott discuss the latest werewolf drama very loudly as Danny listens in behind them (what secret identity). They wonder why Derek would choose Isaac – umm did you not see his cheekbones? Then they wonder why Isaac was arrested; they must have solid evidence or witness. Speaking of witnesses where’s Jackson?

They ask Danny where Jackson is? He’s in the principal’s office because he just happens to live across the road from Isaac. Well that does it, Scott and Stiles need to get to the principals office and how do they do that? By throwing things at Mr. Harris of course.

Inside the principal’s office the Sheriff is interviewing Jackson. Jackson tells the Sheriff that he knew Isaac was getting beaten but it wasn’t his problem so he didn’t tell anyone.

Damn Sheriff Stilinski wears that uniform well. 
Sheriff Stilinski: It’s funny that the kids getting beaten up are always the one’s who least deserve it.

Oh so that’s where Stiles gets his attitude. Also the look on Jackson’s face when he realizes what the Sheriff just said if priceless (I love the dickhead but Jackson is not a good person).

Scott and Stiles are sitting outside the office, eavesdropping when the Sheriff exits. Stiles tries to hide behind a gossip mag and Scott kind of looks guilty and turns on the puppy dog eyes. The Sheriff just sighs – his special I-made-Stiles-this-is-at-least-somewhat-my-fault-sigh – and ignores his son saying a quick hello to Scott before walking away.

Surprise mother fuckers!
The boy’s turn their attention back to the doorway where the principal has just exited… only it’s not who they expect – standing in front of them in Grandpa Argent. He’s the new principal.

He puts the "pal" in principal.
Inside the office Grandpa Argent tells Scott and Stiles that he’s not like regular principals’ he’s a cool principal. He’s hip enough to know that Scott’s recently become the star of the lacrosse team and that he used to date Allison. It’s just too bad they broke up he seems like such a nice boy. If it was up to him he wouldn’t punish anyone but he has to show solidarity with his teachers so someone has to take the fall. The whole room looks at Stiles.

She is perfect and you do not deserve her Jackson.
In the hallway Lydia tries to talk to Jackson. She just wants to thank him but being the dick that he is he has to take it to the extreme and tell Lydia that they are not getting back together (he is such an asswipe). He’s not responsible for her but does tell to stay home tonight because it’s the full moon.

Scott runs out of the school just in time to watch Isaac get carted away by the police. As he turns to leave Derek’s Camaro turns up.

Damn Derek looks good in sunlight.
Derek needs help – Scott doesn’t want to help because this whole mess is Derek’s fault and he kind of has a point Derek. Apparently there’s some damning evidence at Isaac’s house and because Derek’s a dramatic asshole he can’t just tell Scott what it is no he has to show him. Still Scott jumps in the car because he’s the hero and that’s what hero’s do.

At the Argent abode, Papa and Grandpa Argent are discussing going after Isaac. Chris is rather uncomfortable with the idea of killing an innocent teenage boy but Grandpa Argent is having none of his morality. All conversations between Chris and Gerard go something like this:

Chris: But the code!
Gerard: Fuck the code! It’s more like guidelines anyway.

Outside Jackson’s place creepy-camera-guy Matt is feeling a little uncomfortable about giving Jackson his camera so he can shoot something in low light all night long. Jackson doesn’t give a shit. He drives a Porsche. Matt asks if it has anything to do with Allison (Jackson went to the dance with her) but Jackson’s like ewe no, he’s documenting history.

That's bordering on bad touch Jackson - except Matt seems to like it.
Jackson: You think I am going to waste my time doing something as unbelievably ordinary as making a sex tape.

As he’s leaving creepy-camera-guy Matt notices torches in Isaac’s place… significant maybe?

Back at the Argents – Allison notices a guy dressed in a deputies uniform carrying an ominous looking box leaving the house then her father and grandfather want to have a chat (creepiest family ever).

Inside Isaac’s house Derek and Scott are having a chat. Derek knows Isaac is innocent because he trusts his instincts.

Derek: And it’s a combination of them, not just your sense of smell.
Scott: You saw the lacrosse thing today.
Derek: Yeah.
Scott: Did it look that bad?
Derek: Yeah.

They head into the basement – well Derek tells Scott to head into the basement because he’s trying to throw in a lesson about senses while saving Isaac because he’s a good Alpha like that. Scott follows his senses through the creepy murder basement towards a freezer – which has scratch marks inside it as though someone was trapped in there are tried to claw their way out.

At school Stiles has just been let out of detention – he’s on the phone to Allison and it just makes me think how much these two need to team up more. They are just perfect. Allison with her no-nonsense confidence and Stiles with his exaggerated sarcasm – they make a really good team.

Anyway Allison’s dad was asking her all kinds of creepy questions and the carving on the box she saw the fake-deputy holding was wolf’s bane. They are going to kill Isaac and someone has to stop them.

Meanwhile Scott and Derek are having the same old conversation. Scott’s all why would anyone want to be a werewolf and Derek’s like are you serious it’s fricking cool and yes he told Isaac about the hunters. Scott thinks Isaac’s an idiot and Derek reminds him that he’s a werewolf dating a werewolf hunter’s daughter – pot or kettle you choose Scott.

Derek: Be my beta please Scott!
Then you can guess the rest:

Derek: Join my pack, I’ll teach you things. Also omegas get cut in half.
Scott: But Allison.

Okay so maybe I took a bit of artistic liberty there but I’m a little bit over the whole Scott/Derek who’s your Alpha drama. Right here’s what actually happened:

Scott: I’m not part of your pack but I want him out. He’s my responsibility too.
Derek: Why because he’s one of us?
Scott: Because he’s innocent.

I'm pretty sure I've seen this video before.
In Jackson’s bedroom, Jackson’s setting up the camera to document history. Then he’s checking himself out in the mirror because and of course he’s shirtless (drink for gratuitous man flesh) and I think I need to get a copy of that video for research purposes.

The fake-deputy is driving along ready to kill and innocent teenage boy when he gets a flat tire. He gets out to investigate only to find there’s an arrow in his tire before he has time to process this Allison shoots him in the leg with another arrow. She’s so badass.

Actual Superhero Allison Argent!
Allison calls Stiles to tell him that the fake-deputy is down and Stiles tell her to head to the murder basement to help Scott lock up for the full moon.

Scott is losing control, Allison looks at the chains she’s got and asks if it’s really necessary but Scott’s face is already half wolfed out so yeah its necessary. Scott gets into the torture freezer and Allison kisses him before closing the lid. It’s all very romantic but also a little bit slow so moving on.

Outside Beacon Hills Sheriff Station Stiles and Derek are hanging out in the Jeep trying to work out how to save Isaac (because this is a thing they do). Stiles tells Derek they have to find a way to get past the front desk. Derek’s like I got this and he goes to get out of the car. Stiles grabs his shoulder but as soon as he sees the look on Derek’s face – which basically says: why the fuck are you touching me? – he realizes his mistake and removes his hand. He does however, ask how Derek plans to distract the guard. Derek looks at Stiles like he’s an idiot (because I mean really Derek’s pretty distracting), but Stiles is not convinced.

Rule one: Don't touch the Alpha. 
Stiles wonders if Derek is going to punch her in the face, which is kind of understandable because pretty much every interaction between Stiles and Derek has involved violence or the threat of violence so how is Stiles supposed to know that Derek knows what flirting is.

Derek strides in to the building and we realize that Derek doesn’t need to know how to flirt, he is a walking distraction. Stiles rolls his eyes in the background as the deputy practically melts at the sight of Derek despite his terrible flirting skills.

Stiles heads straight to find the keys but they’re already gone. A trail of blood leads the camera to the fake-deputy Allison shot – he still has the arrow in his leg. Stiles walks right into him and starts to make an excuse until he notices the arrow in his leg. The fake-deputy grabs him and drags him away.  As he’s being dragged away Stiles manages to set off the fire alarm.

Stiles we need to talk about how you always end up in these situations.
Once they reach the holding cells it’s too late, Isaac is already out. He attacks the hunter and Stiles just tries to get out of the cross fire. Derek enters and he’s pretty calm (considering the dead hunter) until Isaac turns his attention to Stiles. Derek goes all Alpha on his growling Isaac into submission. Stiles looks on with awe (and a little bit of arousal – okay maybe a lot of arousal).

Stiles: How did you do that?
Derek: I’m the Alpha!

You can be my Alpha.
Back at Isaac’s Allison is a little bit freaked because she just chained her werewolf boyfriend into a freezer that was used to torture a teenage boy. Her torch goes out and there’s a noise. There’s something in the house. She screams. In the basement Scott’s Allison radar is up and he starts trying to break out of his prison to save her.

Allison grabs a knife and turns to fight her attacker (interestingly enough she says “come on” just like creepy Aunt Kate did when she faced monsters). The monster is revealed. It’s a reptile creature with a tail and it can walk on the roof.  Scott manages to bust out of his cage before Allison is hurt and the creature runs away (that was a little easy don’t you think).

A little later the Sheriff enters the station only to find Stiles standing over the body of the hunter. Stiles points at the body and says: “he did it?” Nice Stiles, smooth.

Finally Jackson wakes up – jumping to check the camera… except nothing happened. He slept the whole night uninterrupted. Jackson throws the camera (creepy-camera-guy Matt is not going to be happy).

To be continued. 

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