Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Recapturing Teen Wolf: This means war!

Previously on Teen Wolf… Scott got bit now he’s a werewolf. So is Derek Hale. There are also hunters, and Allison, don’t forget Allison. Allison and Scott are star-crossed lovers because I love you. Allison’s dad is a hunter and there used to be an Alpha called Peter until they set him on fire and Derek slashed his throat. Also Aunt Kate was just doing what she was told when she murdered an entire family and she got her throat slashed for her trouble. Finally Lydia got bit but she might not be a werewolf and it’s Jackson’s turn so Derek gave him the gift of the bite (I really don’t think he deserves it). 

Water, mist and enigmatic music. Jackson pushes his way out from under the water in slow motion, his shirt torn revealing his toned chest (drink for gratuitous man flesh). There’s a bite mark just under his ribs – which is consequently exactly where I would like to nibble on him – and he looks rather pleased with himself.

Seriously though, why do they bite them on the hip? It's a really sexy place to bite someone.

The soundtrack picks up as they reveal Scott running through the woods on all fours. Okay we need to talk about the werewolf run because it is probably the funniest thing on this show and that includes Hoechlin’s disappearing eyebrows. Seriously who thought that would be a good idea? But whatever, its part of the mythology now so we’re kind of attached to it’s ridiculousness – it just might have been better if they didn’t include it in the first place. It’s hard enough to get people to take this show seriously with the ridiculous prosthetics.

Anyway, flash back to Allison and Scott making out in a car. Things are getting hot and heavy, I guess taking down an Alpha werewolf together really gets the juices following. It’s all going swimmingly until the window smashes and Papa Argent literally drags Scott out of it and puts a gun to his head… well that escalated quickly. Allison cries begging for Scott’s life, promising that she will do whatever he says, she won’t see Scott again. This sedates Papa Argent a little (idiot as if she’s actually going to stay away from him).

Chris, living out every father's fantasy.

Back in the present Scott is still werewolf running, this time he’s in suburbia dodging cars (way to be discreet Scott). He jumps through Allison’s window and into her arms, they have an hour before her parents return that should be plenty of time for what they’re planning.

Actual real live credits! Teen Wolf's all grown up.

It’s sex, they’re planning sex. Gone is the sweet PG13 romance of Season 1 this is a hot, steamy (well as steamy as it can get on MTV) and sexy as all hell. Also kudos for the ass shots, I like them… a lot. Limbs are going everywhere, they’re knocking over lamps and falling off the bed until it’s cut short but the untimely return of Mama and Papa Argent.

Oh yeah, I know that face. That's the we just got caught having sex face.

Mama Argent bursts into the room but Allison is already sitting calmly on the bed acting the part of the petulant teenager that is unable to see the love her life. Mama Argent quickly checks the cupboard but it’s empty. Scott’s on the roof… naked.

How come Allison managed to get her clothes on and you didn't Scott?

At the hospital Stiles is sleeping on the chairs in the hallway outside Lydia’s room, he’s dreaming (and talking in his sleep) about something dirty. Apparently someone made a mess and they are arguing over who gets to clean it up first.

Damn girl, so much attitude in just one look. 

Inside Lydia’s room, Lydia’s feeling well enough to have a go at her father. He’s just going to wait outside while she showers, where it’s slightly less sarcastic.

Dylan, I'm having a situation with your neck... send help.

Outside, Lydia’s dad notices Stiles and asks Mama McCall (who is apparently the only nurse in Beacon Hills) how long Stiles has been there. He’s been there all weekend and at the moment he’s currently making kissy faces at the cleaning lady. Great first impression Stiles, it’s a good thing Lydia’s never actually going to date you.

Lydia decides to take a shower even though over the last month her life has turned into a horror movie and if you are living in a horror movie you should never take a shower. But I guess I can forgive her because Lydia is in the shower and I forgot what I was talking about.

I've had dreams that started like this.

Oh right, there’s black goo coming out of the drain. Yup this is going to end well.

But before the horror shower, Stiles has decided to get a snack but the vending machine doesn’t agree with him. His treat gets stuck and he decides the best way to fix it is to try to tip the vending machine. Naturally the vending machine does tip… all the way over nearly crushing Stiles. I swear to goodness he’s going to live through all the supernatural crap and then die falling into the toilet.

Of course Stiles would be one of those people that gets crushed by a vending machine.

Back in the horror shower, the black goo is rising and Lydia finally notices it. She freaks but instead of jumping out of the creepy shower she decides to stick her hand in there. She starts pulling out piles and piles of hair that is apparently blocking the drain. Lydia gets more and more panicked until finally a hand reaches out of the back water and grabs her. She screams bloody murder.

Stiles hears Lydia’s scream and rushes into her room only to find the bathroom abandoned and the window open. Lydia’s gone. The scream echoes through the empty streets of Beacon Hills until Scott hears it automatically recognizing it as Lydia’s.

The Sheriff is called into look for a very naked Lydia, he asks for her identifiers and Stiles jumps in. He can do that, her hair is actually strawberry blonde not red. The Sheriff is concerned about Stiles involvement in another criminal case, so he sends hum home.

Sheriff: What they hell are you still doing here?
Stiles: Providing moral support.
Sheriff: Uhuh, how about you provide your ass back home where you should be.

On his way to the exit Stiles walks past the fallen vending machine with a guilty look on his face.

Of course Stiles is not going home, outside Scott is waiting in his Jeep. Stiles has stolen Lydia’s sweater and Scott’s going to use his wolfy nose to locate her. They are about to head off when Allison jumps in front of the car. Lydia’s her best friend and she’s going to help find her, she doesn’t care what anyone else thinks.

They have to find Lydia before Papa Argent and the rest of the trigger happy hunters do because who knows what will happen if they find her first. Also someone new is coming into town but Allison’s parents won’t tell her anything.

Stiles: Okay your family’s got some serious communication issues to work on.

All this time Scott has his head out the window like a dog trying to catch a hint of Lydia’s scent. It’s hilarious.

Meanwhile at the graveyard (because this is a horror show remember) a handsome young man with a black eye is in a digger carving out Kate’s grave. He’s not alone, there’s something moving in the dark. Handsome young man is nervous, as he should be, he stops the engine to look around. That’s not a good plan, whatever’s out there knocks the machine over and the handsome young man falls into creepy aunt Kate’s grave. He braves a look over the edge and spots something digging into a nearby grave.

Hi there pretty boy! 

Suddenly there’s a loud growl, I recognize that growl. The mysterious grave digging creature high tails it out of there. The handsome young man cowers in fear as something lifts the fallen digger off the grave.

...and so begins Season 2 of Derek's woeful attempts to make friends.

It’s Derek of course, because who else would think that hanging out in graveyards at night is a good way to make friends. I guess all his friends are already there. And now I feel bad. Great.

Derek: Need a hand?

Stiles, Allison and Scott are wandering through the woods towards the Hale house in their search for Lydia. Stiles wonders if Lydia has ever been there before, if she has it wasn’t with Allison. Allison wonders if she could be in search of Derek because wolves need an Alpha… Scott insists that not all of them do. Then Stiles finds a trip wire and trips it causing Scott to get caught in the trap.

Urgh I just really need you two to hang out more.

Scott: Next time you see a trip wire, don’t trip it.
Stiles: Noted.

Allison and Stiles are about to cut Scott down when he tells them to hide… someone is coming. It’s Hottie Hunter Argent and some of his henchmen buddies. Scott’s like hey Mr Argent, I’m just handing out, nice trap by the way. Chris decides it’s a good time for another one of his threatening metaphors. This time he’s all about chopping people in half, let’s hope a demonstration doesn’t become necessary (foreshadowing).

After the Hunters leave Scott and Allison jump out to check on Scott.

Allison: You okay?
Scott: Just another life-threatening conversation with your dad.

Stiles and Allison are about to untie the wire holding Scott up but Scott’s like it’s cool, I got this. It’s pretty badass, both Allison and Stiles look rather turned on. They head off towards the Hale house.

When did Mr Leery become such an asshole?

The next day the Sheriff is questioning the handsome young man from the graveyard who is apparently called Isaac Lahey. Turn’s out Isaac’s dad is kind of an ass (oh no Mr. Leery, what happened to you?). The Sheriff asks about Isaac’s injured eye but Isaac insists he got it playing Lacrosse. The Sheriff starts talking about how Stiles is on the team (kind of) but Isaac is distracted by someone lurking by the tree line. Derek Hale, lurker extraordinaire.

Derek, no. 

Just one more question… the grave robber, what did they take? They took a liver, because this needed to be grosser.

At school Scott and Stiles discuss the possibility that Lydia is roaming around naked eating dead girls livers. Stiles is defending Lydia’s cannibalistic tendency, now that’s love. 

Scott: She ate the liver.
Stiles: No I didn’t say she ate it, I just said it was missing. And you know what even if she did so what? It’s the most nutritious part of the body.
Scott: I never ate anyone’s liver.
Stiles: Yeah right cos when it comes to werewolves you’re a real model of self control?

That gives Stiles an idea, Scott’s the test case for this scenario they just need to figure out how Scott got through it. Stiles asks Scott what he was drawn to when he was first bitten but he doesn’t even need to wait for an answer, the dopey look on Scott’s face says it all. It was Allison and nothing else. But that’s good news right, the night Lydia was bitten she was with Stiles… except she was looking for Jackson.

Speaking of Jackson, here he is the jackass. He hands a homeless guy a dollar so he will go die somewhere else because he’s just caring like that.

LOCKER ROOM! Yes it’s back! I am so excited. Coach Cupcake calls for the team to gather round then he yells at Danny to put a shirt on and I have decided that Coach Cupcake and I can no longer be friends. He needs to go and sit in the corner and think about what he has done.

NO! Danny! Don't listen to him! Shirts are awful constricting things you should never wear them,

Well now that Danny has put his shirt on I guess we should talk about the announcement. The coach is looking for volunteers to help search for the naked girl running around the woods, lest she lose a testicle like Coach Cupcake did.

This is Stiles and Scott's reaction to Jackson's comment about the claws.
Stiles is like yeah, you make it sound like a bad thing.
And Scott's just really confused.

Scott and Stiles confront Jackson, but he’s too busy pretending that he doesn’t care. Then he tells them to watch out, because Lydia was already a bit of a wild cat, imagine what she could do with real claws… and that is exactly what I am doing right now. Yup. That’s a good thought.

In Mr. Harris’s class, Stiles admits that Jackson has a point. Lydia’s pretty capable of eating people. They are interrupted by everyone’s fav chemistry teacher who has decided to take the Sheriff’s rough treatment out on his only son, so Stiles ends up with detention.

Danny and Jackson are the mean girls of the school and no one will convince me otherwise.

Jackson and Danny giggle like mean girls at Stiles misfortunes until Danny notices that there is black goo dripping out of Jackson’s nose. He’s not looking so good.

Jackson rushes into the bathroom and tries to stop the black goo with toilet paper. Someone is knocking on the stall door. Jackson tells them to back off but their not backing off. After the third knock Derek just busts the door open and drags Jackson towards the sink (BTW it’s really hard to describe this scene without making it sound like gay porn).

Derek just wants to help but Jackson insist that he doesn’t want to be one of Derek’s pets.

Jackson: Just because you gave me “The Bite” doesn’t mean I’m part of your little wolf pack. Sorry but to be honest you don’t exactly show outstanding leadership qualities. 

Dude your eyebrows... that is all.

Hate to say it Derek, but he’s got a point. You say you’re the Alpha now, but you really need to start acting like one. As Jackson is putting Derek into his place, the black good starts leaking out of his ear. Derek has no idea what’s happening to him, his body is rejecting the bite. Derek’s like, yeah I don’t want any of that gross black crap so he literally sinks back into the shadows. Who does that? Seriously?

In the hallway, Allison is checking her locker. There’s a note. It’s from Scott. Because he loves you. Aww. Then camera-guy compliments her and some mean girls start bitching about her murdering aunt so she runs away.

Scott grabs her and pulls her into an empty classroom so she can cry in peace and Scott is actually a really good boyfriend. He tells Allison it’s okay to be sad. Kate might not have been who Allison thought she was, but she still lost her. Scott says things are better, no Peter, no psycho werewolf killings… I think you spoke too soon Scott. He insists he’ll go to the funeral, even if he can’t be by her side and Allison starts to cheer up a little.

Same, Stiles. Same.

Stiles looks like he’s about to die of boredom as he watches the clock in detention. He tries to get out of there but Mr Harris stops him, detention is now an hour and a half. Yay.

The press harass the Argents as they enter the graveyard. Chris says it wasn’t a good idea and Vitoria reminds him that it wasn’t their idea. Creepy camera guy from the school sneaks under the barrier to snap a couple of shots of Allison.

An old man grabs his camera, takes out the memory card and destroys it in front of his eyes. He’s lucky it’s not his camera. That old man is super scary.

All I want in life is a slow motion entrance.

The old man walks in slow motion towards the rest of the Argents embracing Chris and Victoria before introducing himself to Allison as Grandpa (aka Gerard but he’d prefer Grandpa).

Scott is hiding behind a grave stone when Stiles turns up questioning who the new guys are, maybe they’re from the non-hunting side of the family but that’s not likely… Scott’s like nope he knows exactly what they are, reinforcements.

The Sheriff grabs Scott and Stiles pulling them to their feet and dumping them in the back of the cruiser. The image of those two boys in the back seat is so wonderful, like we’re getting a hint of what Stiles and Scott’s lives had been like before that fateful night in the woods.

How many times have they been locked in the back of the cruiser together?

There’s a call over the scanner, Stiles translates: a disturbance in a car. Or in this case an ambulance. They were taking a heart attack victim to the hospital when something hit the ambulance, it got in the back, there’s blood everywhere. The Sheriff turns around but Scott and Stiles are already gone.

The boys approach the ambulance from the woods. Where the hell is Lydia? What the hell kept Scott from doing that? Probably Allison.

Sincere Stiles is the most heartbreaking thing ever.

Time for a broment. Stiles begs Scott to find Lydia and Scott’s such a good friend that he doesn’t even call Stiles on the fact that his usually sarcastic demeanor has turned sincere for a moment. Best friends ever.

Scott gets a good whiff of whatever attacked the ambulance and runs of in search of it leaving Stiles alone with his thoughts. More werewolf running.

Scott’s attacked by something, it’s not Lydia it’s another werewolf. It’s the homeless guy from the start of the episode. They fight.

Lydia, I'm trying not to objectify you... it's not going well.

Someone with familiar strawberry blonde hair stumbles out of the woods towards where Stiles and his Dad are standing in front of the attacked ambulance. It’s Lydia, she’s naked. Stiles calls her name, in recognition and surprise. Lydia just opens her arms and asks if anyone is going to get her a jacket. Stiles tries to take his father jacket but trips over his own excitement leaving it up to an embarrassed Sheriff to help poor naked Lydia.

Scott is still fighting the homeless werewolf when his opponent get caught in one of the Argents traps before Scott can help him Derek grabs him and drags him away. It’s too late, they’re already here.

I feel bad for Chris. He's so into "The Code" and I'm pretty sure it's more like guidelines.

Hottie Hunter Argent turns up and pokes the wolf with a cattle prod (because they like to do that). The wolf was just looking for the Alpha, he never hurt anyone the guy in the ambulance was already dead.

Then Grandpa Argent give us a lesson about werewolf hierarchy. The homeless wolf is an omega – the lone wolf… and apparently the lone wolf never survives. Grandpa Argent pulls out an actual real life sword and slices the poor omega in half!

Derek: "Please be my friend everyone else wants to kill me."

Derek’s like, you see what they did there Scott. They are evil and Scott and Derek have to be friends because safety reasons not because Derek really needs a friend.

Poor Chris is harping on about the code because he hasn’t worked out that he’s the only hunter that seems to care about the god damn code. Grandpa Argent certainly doesn’t care, not after they killed Kate anyway (but that seems like a convenient excuse).

Grandpa Argent does the one of the best villain speeches ever, as images of Jackson coughing up black goo, Scott and Allison hugging, and Isaac going to visit Derek in his latest creepy hideaway play.

Okay so yeah he's an evil bastard but man he's a great villain! 

Grandpa Argent: Not when they murder my daughter. No code. Not anymore. From now on these things are just bodies waiting to be cut in half. Are you listening? Because I don’t care if they’re wounded and weak. Or seemingly harmless begging for their life with the promise that they will never ever hurt anyone. Or some desperate lost soul with no idea what they’re getting into. We find them. We kill them. We kill them all.

… to be continued!