Sunday, May 26, 2013

Recapturing Teen Wolf: It's too late to be normal

Previously on TeenWolf… They’re not going to split Scott and Allison apart but they might cut Scott in half. Allison is a badass, Derek is the alpha and there’s a new monster in town.

Meanwhile at the creepiest gas station, which also happens to be the only gas station (otherwise why would anyone ever go there) in Beacon Hills Allison is filling up. She’s looking around nervously because that place is a slasher film waiting to happen. If she were even a little bit genre savvy she certainly wouldn’t be smiling at the cutie on the bike next to her. He rides off and it’s a pretty safe bet that he’s going to die. If you get flirty with Allison the universe will smite you down because God ships Scallison.

Are you nervous Allison? Maybe it's because every time someone goes to that gas station bad shit does down.
After the cutie on the bike rides off Allison is left alone at the creepy gas station and naturally the lights go out and before you can say “something bad” Allison has a bag over her head and is being dragged away.

Cut to Allison tied to a chair with her mouth gagged in what looks like the living room of the Hale house. On the other side of the room her father is in a similar position. That’s right Hottie Hunter Argent is tied up and screaming through his gag for his daughter. There’s a voice – it sounds like Derek, he’s talking about what happens in a hunter gets bitten.

Hottie Hunter Argent uses his brute strength to break the rope binding him… and it turns out it was all a trick – a couple of hunter henchmen appear and the voice over it just a recording. Apparently this is the Hunter version of daddy/daughter bonding time.

Exposition – hunters use arrows because the wolves can’t heal until they pull them out. Papa Argent holds up the arrow Allison used to shoot the hunter from last week’s ep. She tries to defend her actions but Papa Argent just tells her that Hunters have to make the hard choices. If it makes her feel any better it wasn’t his choice to kills Isaac and it wasn’t Grandpa Argent’s either.

Dammit Chris why I am so attracted to you?
Chris Argent: Our family has a surprisingly progressive tradition. Knowing wars and violence are typically started by men we place our final decisions, the hard ones, with the women. Our sons are trained to be soldiers, our daughters to be leaders.

That means my lovely lady Victoria Argent is the one that ordered Isaac’s death. Chris kisses Allison on the head and hands her an arrow before leaving her to cut herself free.

Sometime later Allison wanders out of the Hale house where her dad and the cutie with the bike are waiting for her. The cutie congratulates her. Allison’s like what for; it took her 2 ½ hours to get free. Apparently it took him over 3 hours. Allison smiles at the cutie again and jumps in the car leaving him to his death (as punishment for not appreciating Scott and Allison’s love).

Once alone something scratches the cutie on the back of the neck, he tries to locate the monster but soon falls to the ground – paralyzed and open for attack by this season’s big bad.

Opening Credits!

Allison is having none of your shit Scott. 
In the Beacon Hills High School gym there is a climbing wall (I wish my school had climbing wall – surely that’s got to be safety nightmare?). Allison and Scott are climbing and chatting and generally being in love. Scott accuses Allison of waiting for him, Allison says he’s being too slows but Scott insists he’s just admiring the view (same Scott, same).  Allison challenges him to a race and Scott quickly uses his wolfspeed to get past her so Allison kicks him and he falls. Allison Argent is better than you.

The next two students up are Stiles and a nervous looking girl called Erica. Stiles jumps on the wall and finishes his climb quickly unaware that Erica is struggling next to him. She starts to freak out as Stiles celebrates below her (tell me again fandom that Stiles is moral compass of the show – let’s face it if you’re not on his list he’s not interested in saving you). Anyway back to Erica, she’s not doing so well.

Coach Cupcake: Is it vertigo?
Lydia: Vertigo is a dysfunction of the vestibular system of the inner ear. She’s just freaking out.

Coach Cupcake starts to freak when Allison informs him that Erica is epileptic but eventually they convince Erica to led go and they lower her to the ground using the harness. Then because this is high school everyone laughs at Erica (which does not seem like a very good idea because if anyone was going to go Carrie on Beacon Hills, I think it would be Erica).

In the locker room everyone is wearing a few too many clothes and Coach Cupcake has an announcement. If anyone sees Isaac Lahey (aka the one with the cheekbones) they should call coach… except Greenberg. Greenberg shouldn’t even have his number. I think thou does protest too much there Coach!

Erica's badass yes, but she doesn't really think things through.
Meanwhile in the gym Erica is alone – and she’s determined to climb the wall without a safe harness. Erica sweetie I admire your determination but that’s not really something you should be doing.

Back in the locker room, Scott and Stiles are changing and here it is the moment that will forever be known as the cockblocking locker. Stiles pulls off his shirt but before we can see anything Scott opens his locker door hiding Stiles shirtless form from the camera by the time the locker has closed Stiles has a new shirt on.

I see your stomach Stiles... and I like it. 
I feel so betrayed! Locker room – you were my favourite place. I trusted you! Dammit! Then you go and do something like this and it’s like I don’t even know you at all. It’s going to take a lot of naked sweaty men to help rebuild my trust but for now we must carry on.

Scott (the shirtless-Stiles blocking bastard) doesn’t think that whatever they have planned for the evening is a good idea on account of the unknown monster and Grandpa Argent but Stiles is having none of it.

Stiles: No, you’re not backing out. Do you want to know why? Because you and Allison are obviously having quite a good time together. You know who else wants to have a good time? Stiles. Stiles wants to have a good time, many many times, several times in a row, in several different positions. Are you even listening to me?

Scott’s not listening, but I am. Stiles I can think of someone that might be able to help with your problem but we can talk about it in fan fiction. Anyway Scott’s wolfie sense is tingling and he runs into the gym just in time to catch Erica who fell from the wall because she was having an epileptic seizure.

At Beacon Hills Memorial Hospital Mama McCall is examining Erica because she’s the only nurse in Beacon Hills. It’s been a while since Erica had an episode and Erica is hoping that they can keep it from her parents.

Why was there no a shot of Melissa's awesome legs?
Mama McCall: Well I swear I don’t want to but there’s this team of lawyers in the back who would break my legs and I don’t know if you’ve seen my legs but for a girl my age they are still pretty hot so?

Mama McCall leaves Erica alone with her thoughts until a stranger enters and starts pushing her bed out of the room. It’s Derek of course because who else would wheel a patients bed into the morgue without so much as a hello… Also is no one watching this? Is it normal for an attractive man in tight pants and a leather jacket to take patients wherever he wants? Beacon Hills is a strange place.

Derek and Erica bond over the fact that they both like the taste of blood. Also they have a mutual friend (it’s probably Isaac’s cheekbones). Then Derek decides to seduce Erica into his pack. There’s touching and standing between legs and manhandling and I want to be seduced into the pack but I am going to get control of my hormones and explain why this upsets me so much.

Derek this is one of the creepiest things you have done.
Considering how many creepy things you have done that's quite a feet.
This is without a doubt my most hated Teen Wolf moment. The only reason that this scene plays out like it does is so they can show Derek seducing a girl. Don’t get me wrong, it was hot but most of the hotness is cancelled out by the creepy. Erica is in high school and not just that she also in an incredibly vulnerable position – she just had a seizure she’s in the hospital for goodness sake. Not to mention the fact that Kate Argent seduced Derek so it’s highly unlikely that he would want to use this technique himself. There are just so many things wrong with this scene but the worst part is that it’s completely unnecessary.

Oh Erica, you deserved better than this. 
In the scene with the climbing wall, Erica was set up as a character who is willing to take risks to prove she is not as weak as people think she is. It makes perfect sense that she would want the bite, especially considering her epilepsy. So why does Derek have to seduce her? He’s not shown seducing Isaac (although I like to imagine that’s how it went down) and while I understand why Isaac wanted the bite – Erica’s reasons are a lot clearer. Derek doesn’t need to seduce her, he just has to ask and she would have said yes. There are just not enough words to express how much I hate this moment.

Back at school they’re watching a video about infection, Jackson looks bored and creepy-camera-guy Matt is mad because Jackson broke his camera. Jackson doesn’t care because he’s distracted by the video – it’s talking about immunity. He’s figured it out – it’s all Lydia’s fault.

Fuck you Jackson.
In the hallway after class Jackson confronts Lydia. It’s like she’s immune and she passed it on to him. It’s all her fault that he’s not a werewolf she did this to him. He grabs Lydia and she looks terrified (and that’s it Jackson you are no longer redeemable even if Lydia loves you).

No. No. No. I do not like this one bit. 
Lydia cries in a bathroom stall and my heartbreaks. Screw you Jackson, no one makes Lydia cry I’m going to tell Stiles on you and he will poison you in your sleep. Lydia’s not alone in the bathroom – there’s someone standing outside, he’s got bare feet that are dirty. Lydia opens the door to investigate but whoever it was has already left the bathroom. She follows the strange figure through the empty hallways of Beacon Hills High School and watches as he stops and stars at the school trophy cabinet. A closer look reveals that the figure was starring at an award with the name Peter Hale on it.

Hey Peter, I see where Derek got his desire to creep on teenage girls. 
In the cafeteria Stiles sits down at the table with a boy called Boyd. Stiles is trying to look cool and casual but failing miserably. Boyd and Stiles have some kind deal going for the keys to somewhere. Stiles tries to barter. It doesn’t go well for him.

Stiles: Come on man have you seen the piece of crap jeep that I drive?
Boyd: Have you seen the piece of crap bus that I take?

Damn Stiles – check your privilege. Stiles pays the agreed upon $50 and leaves Boyd. Scott and Stiles are making plans for the evening when Scott’s attention shifts to the entrance.

Music starts and in walks Erica. The camera pans up her newly revamped (emphasis on the vamped) form complete with leopard print stilettos, mini skirt, push-up bras and leather jacket. She’s looking good – and everyone knows it. The entire cafeteria stops to stare at Erica as she picks up an apple and takes a bite (subtle) before exiting… she’s made her point.

The apple is a metaphor... does it could as a metaphor when it's that obvious?
Lydia: What the holy hell is that?

That is what happens when a girl becomes a werewolf apparently. While I appreciate Erica’s new found confidence the implications of her sexy makeover still makes me really uncomfortable.

Derek smiling actually makes me really uncomfortable... but he's so pretty.
Scott and Stiles follow Erica out of the building – just in time to watch her slide into Derek’s Camaro with a sly smile on her face. Derek smiles and why can’t all Derek’s scene be in sunlight? Sunlight is Hoechlin’s friend. I know this is a horror show but please Teen Wolf I ship Derek with sunlight.

At the animal clinic Scott drops a jar because he’s distracted – everything is slipping through his fingers and he’s not just talking about the broken jar. Deaton is his usual cryptic self. Destruction is the natural way of the universe it doesn’t mean it’s falling apart, it’s just changing shape. Scott wants to know if they are going to talk about the thing – Deaton distracts him with a raise and Scott goes back to work with a smile on his face.

At the Argent abode Allison and Lydia are hanging out in her room. Papa Argent interrupts them and tells Allison to keep an eye on Lydia (he wants Allison to spy on her). Allison looks over at Lydia who is taking pictures of her shoes and tells her father that he has nothing to worry about (oh Allison you should know better than to judge a book by it’s cover).

Later Stiles opens the door to the local ice-rink with the key Boyd gave him and follows Allison, Scott and Lydia inside. As they put their shoes on Lydia complains about being cold. Stiles offers her an orange shirt but Lydia just looks at him like someone removed half his brain. She’s wearing blue, orange and blue are not a good combination.

Stiles, I love you, but the way you treat Lydia is not cool.
Not to be deterred by rejection, dogged nice guy Stiles offers Lydia some Reeces, which she accepts of course. Stiles is very pleased with himself – she took his chocolate, clearly she wants his dick.

Stiles: Okay umm maybe orange and blue is not the best but you know sometimes there’s other things you wouldn’t think would be a good combination that end up turning out to be like a perfect combination. You know like two people together that nobody ever thought would be together, like ever.

Lydia says she gets it and Stiles gets excited until he figures out that Lydia is talking about Allison and Scott. Also this quote is every single Teen Wolf shipping video… everyone is orange and blue.

I love how Allison just knows he's going to suck. 
Scott has never ice-skated before and Allison offers to help him but he’s all it’s cool, I’ve got wolf skills, I’m sure I’ll be fine. He steps onto the ice and promptly falls onto his ass. It’s a predicable gag, but still funny.

You guys are going to give me diabetes. 
Stile watches as Lydia skates with exceptional skill – she looks really happy. It’s nice. Lydia spots Stiles starring at her, skates over and grabs his hand pulling him along behind her. Allison tries to teach Scott – skating is really not his thing so they go to take some photos in the photo booth. Allison is upset when only one of the photos turns out because of Scott’s eye flair.  

Lydia spots a blue (or purple) flower growing out of the ice… it’s wolf’s bane. She kneels down to get a closer look. She wipes the ice to reveal Peter Hale hidden beneath it. She starts screaming… as you would. Stiles Scott and Allison run to check. There’s nothing there, just Lydia sitting in the middle of the rink screaming.

Do I ship it?
The next day at school Scott confronts Erica. He wants to know who’s next. Derek needs at least three betas so there has to be someone else. Erica tells him a story about someone videoing one of her seizures – before she didn’t have to know what it looked like, after that there was no pretending. She’s trying to explain why she wanted the bite but Scott doesn’t care, he’s blinded by his werewolf prejudices. So Erica tries a different tactic. She pushes Scott up against the locker seductively. Allison is watching and she disappears before Scott can push Erica away.

You are a magnificent woman! 
Meanwhile at the Argent abode, Mama Argent is searching Allison’s room. She finds a note from Scott and her suspicions are confirmed. She goes to the kitchen and uses a kitchen knife to cut a gash into her arm… she doesn’t even flinch because she is that badass.

Seriously how is no one shipping this?
Cut to the hospital Mama McCall (aka the only nurse in Beacon Hills) is tending to Mama Argent’s wounds… and please tell me someone wrote a fic about this. If that is not a thing I am going to be so disappointed in you fandom. They say something about bolt cutters and men’s egos and Mama Argent doesn’t need anesthetic because she is amazing. Then it’s on to the real point of this conversation… Scott. Mama McCall says that Scott doesn’t seem that heartbroken and Mama Argent does not seem happy about that.

Totally subtle. 
Back at school, in the cafeteria Allison and Scott sit at different tables with their backs to one another – which they probably thinks is really subtle but is actually really obvious. Scott tries to explain that nothing happened with Erica but Allison already knows. She’s not jealous, she’s worried. She knows that Erica is with Derek now and she’s worked out that both sides are clearly preparing for an all out war. Battle lines are being drawn, and she does want Scott to be caught in the crossfire.

Allison: I don’t want you to be normal. I want you to be alive.

Stiles rushes in – he’s noticed something… an empty table. Boyd’s not here, he must be the next candidate. They rush out of the room. Stiles tries to suggest that maybe they should let Boyd make his own decision – Derek is offering them a choice after all but Scott is still blinded by his hatred of what he is so he refuses to accept it. Stiles is going to help him of course, because Stiles will always help Scott even if he thinks he’s making the wrong choice.

You should probably listen to Stiles Scott. Making out sounds like an excellent idea.
Stiles: All right, I’m with you and I also got to say this newfound heroism is making me very attracted to you. No seriously do you want to just try making out for a sec, just to see how it feels?

Things that Jackson deserves. 
Jackson’s at the Hale house demanding an explanation he opens the door and is confronted by a bunch of hunter henchmen led my Hottie Hunter Argent. Chris is manhandling the teenagers again and telling Jackson that he has a lot to be grateful for. He’s smart, good looking and captain of the lacrosse team. Except he’s not captain, he’s co-captain and now Jackson is more determined than ever to be a werewolf.

I swear I am only looking at your boobs eyes Erica but if you want to punish me anyway that's okay.
Stiles arrives at Boyds house racing from his car and banging on the door. There’s no answer. He turns around and there’s Erica. Stiles looks very nervous and Erica figures out why. He’s only looking in her eyes, even though she is wearing a fantastic push-up bra. She knows he wants to have a long hard look (oh yeah that’s a think she said). Stiles says that he likes looking at her eyes, she has beautiful eyes. Erica knows she has beautiful everything. Stiles tries to leave but Erica says that’s not going to happen… he’s having car trouble. She holds up a piece of his engine and then hits him over the head with it. Well that went well.

Deaton enters the animal clinic, the alarm is going off because there is a dead body waiting for him in the examination room. Hottie Hunter Argent slinks out of the shadows and demands Deaton give him some answers about the newest monster in town.

Scott finds Boyd at the ice-rink and tries to convince him to turn down the bite but it’s too late Derek’s already there (along with his groupies, Isaac and Erica). Boyd just wants someone to eat lunch with. Scott says that if he’s looking for friends he can do a lot better than Derek.

Worst wolf pack ever... but damn they're pretty.
Derek: That really hurts Scott, I mean if you’re going to review me at least take a consensus.

Derek asks Erica and Issac what they think of life since the bite they both make terrible puns about transformation and change… although Isaac does say he’s a little bummed about being a fugitive. Scott tells Derek that this isn’t a fair fight... for them (nice trash talk Scott)! Scott takes down Isaac and Erica easily throwing them at Derek’s feet.

Then it’s Derek’s turn. Derek shifts his feature slowly just to show off his control. Then he totally owns Scott because he can. Leaving him beaten lying on the ice. Scott makes one final plea to Boyd – insisting that he doesn’t want to be like Derek. Boyd says he’s right, he doesn’t want to be like Derek. He wants to be like Scott (personally I don’t think either of them are particularly good role models). Boyd lifts his shirt revealing the bite just above his hip.

SIDE NOTE: Teen Wolf can we please watch Derek bite someone next time because that is something that I would pay lost of money to watch. Even more if the person being bitten was me.

Meanwhile – Stiles clambers out of the dumpster Erica tossed him in. He’s not really happy about the turn of events.

Back at the animal clinic Scott’s worried because he’s not healing. Deaton tells him it’s because the wounds came from an alpha… they should probably have that talk now.

Jackson why does everything end with you aggressively playing lacrosse?
Finally Jackson is aggressively practicing lacrosse along at night again… his car gets bogged and he manages to lift it. Well that’s not good.

… to be continued.

Read more recaps here.