Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Recapturing Teen Wolf: Jackson Drives a Porsche

Previously on Teen Wolf… Peter Hale is the Alpha, Allison doesn’t want to be weak and Jackson’s finally figured it out. Jackson broke up with Lydia and Scott just wants to keep Allison safe.

Celebration time! They won the game but Scott’s not happy because Stiles is nowhere to be seen. Scott pushes through the celebrating crowd searching desperately for his best friend… at least until he runs into Allison (he only has so much control).

Allison talks up her cheering skills and it looks as though they are about to kiss until that one guy that had Jackson’s back jumps in between them screaming “state, state, state”. This is his shining moment! He gets to be that guy that cock-blocked everyone’s favourite couple.

Way to go cock-blocking "state" guy you did your job!

I’m pretty sure Jackson told that guy to cock block them because as soon as Allison disappeared he steps in to have a little chat with Scott. He’s generous so he offers Scott some incentive, if Scott gets him the bite he’ll get Allison to go to the dance with Scott. I just love how these boys just hand around Allison like she’s some kind of toy.

How much for your women?

Locker room! I repeat, LOCKER ROOM! Drink for gratuitous man flesh! Lots of shirtless men, Scott’s in towel, Danny in jeans! Hold me, it’s too much. There’s a moment between Danny and Scott that makes me wonder why more people don’t ship them.

Danny: Apology accepted.
Scott: I didn’t apologize.
Danny: Every time you got the ball tonight you passed it to me.
Scott: Every time I passed the ball to you, you scored.
Danny: Apology accepted.

Awww! Scott, sometimes I get so annoyed with you that I forget you are genuinely a nice guy and I don’t mean a “nice guy” I mean I guy that is nice. But just in case you didn’t realize, Danny totally hasn’t friend-zoned you.

Everyone vacates the locker room so Scott it alone when the lights go out. He’s a smart kid so the first thing he does is check the light switch. Scott, you live in a world of mythical creatures… it’s not an electrical fault but you know what keep hope alive.

Here you see creeper!Derek in his natural environment: the high school boys locker room.

It’s Derek, he’s just casually lurking in the shower, as you do. But that’s the least of Scott’s worries because Peter Hale is behind him. Peter has a speech about lacrosse, he’s very charismatic but Scott’s not interested in helping you kill people Peter, even if he doesn’t have to kill Allison. Scott’s a hero he’s not going to kill anyone.

When Scott thinks your choices are poor, you know you've got problems.

The look on Scott’s face when he realizes that Derek is working with his uncle is priceless. He looks like someone kicked his puppy or maybe he’s a puppy that got kicked. Whatever he looks so betrayed… and then he just looks confused like he just can’t for the life of him understand Derek’s life choices.

Scott: Are you forgetting the part where he killed your sister?
Derek: It was a mistake.
Scott: What?
Derek: It happens.

Peter just wants to help Scott reach his full potential… by killing his friends.

Peter: Sometimes the people closest to you can be the ones holding you back the most.
Scott: If they’re holding be back from becoming a psychotic nut-job like you I’m okay with that.

That’s the end of the discussion, Peter decides to use more persuasive means. He scratches the back of Scott’s neck transferring his memories. Flashes: the fire, burns, killing people, killing Laura, Scott and Stiles finding the body, recovery. Scott writhes on the ground in a towel because this is Teen Wolf.

Title card!

Stiles turns up all dude we have a hug problem and Scott’s like trust me, I know.

Allison tosses and turns in her bed. She’s having sexy dreams about Scott (they look like good dreams). She wakes up (damn) and realizes that he necklace is missing, although why she would have been wearing her necklace to bed I don’t know.

That is the face of someone that work up mid sex dream... I know that feel Allison.

While searching for the necklace in the garage she overhears Papa Argent and creepy aunt Kate having a cryptic conversation. Kate notices Allison and leaves a little something out for her to find… it’s a strange arrowhead.

Jackson’s going for a joyride in his Porsche (did you know he drives a Porsche) when it just stops working. He’s frustrated until Hottie Hunter Argent turns up and offers to help and then he’s just scared.

Chris you're manhandling the teenager again... are you and Derek in some kind of club?

Chris has just started questioning Jackson about the strange scratches on his back when Stiles and Scott turn up in the Jeep. It’s Batman and Robin to the rescues.

Stiles: Hey come on Jackson, you’re way too pretty to be out here all by yourself.

Jackson’s going to go with them until Chris pulls something out of the engine and car miraculously starts again. Chris leaves Scott, Jackson and Stiles alone to angst it out. Scott’s frustrated because Jackson just isn’t taking the whole werewolf situation seriously enough. Stiles just wants Scott to stop taking it out on his Jeep.

Scott: When they come after me I won’t be able to protect you. I can’t protect anyone.
Stiles: Why are you looking at me?

He’s looking at you Stiles because even though he gets distracted by naked Allison sometimes he loves you more than anyone except his mom and he can’t stand the idea that anything might happen to you. Also Scott has that whole hero complex happening where he thinks everyone is his responsibility including dickheads like Jackson. Jackson has a solution: get him the bite then he doesn’t need to be protected anymore also he will handle the whole thing better than Scott.

You just got Whittemore'd (except not because Jackson was adopted - did I mention he drives a Porcshe?)

Jackson: It’s like you turned sixteen and someone bought you a Porsche when they should have started you out with a nice little Honda. Me, I drive a Porcshe.

Lydia stumbles after Allison as she marches determinedly through the woods. She’s got a couple of things to talk about with her supposed BFF. Jackson asked Allison to Winter Formal, just as friends. Lydia’s okay as long as it’s just friends. Allison’s like yeah it’s not like she would take him into the coaches office during lacrosse practice and make out with him. Oh snap!

Lydia can’t say anything, she just has to watch as Allison tests out the arrowhead. It’s a flash bomb. She likes it.

Lydia: That was fun, anymore lethal weapons you want to try out.

There’s a noise – forgetting horror movie rule number one Allison goes to investigate leaving Lydia behind with her bow. The noise is Scott, Allison shoots him with a Taser. They’re cute. Scott’s not following her, he’s just following her. At least he’s not a total stalker. Scott returns the necklace that he most definitely did not steal and Allison is so happy she hugs him and then runs away. As you do.

At the Stilinski residence Stiles is very enthusiastic about milk until he notices his dad working hard, and then he’s very enthusiastic about getting information. The Sheriff asks for an ounce of whiskey – Stiles pours him a very large glass instead. The Sheriff downs that monster of a glass like the man he is and the alcohol hits him right away. That’ll happen when you mainline it like that.

The Sheriff starts talking: they can’t get a picture of Derek, his eyes flair. Stiles is pretty impressed by this. All the murders are connected to the Hale fire. Stiles pours him another large glass because he deserves it.

Stiles: I am going to have an eternity in the lowest circle of hell.

Yes you are Stiles because the Sheriff is now rather drunk. There are too many questions. If Derek committed these murders then why did he start with his sister? Good question Sheriff. Stiles is about to run out when his dad says something that breaks everyone’s heart: “I miss your mom”. And then I cried tears of blood.

WTF this was supposed to be a stupid MTV show about werewolves why am I crying?
Scott’s bedroom, Scott listens to his messages. He forgot to hand in a paper. He’s going to fail. There’s a knock at the door. It’s not his mom, it’s Allison. She wants to talk.

Allison and Scott sit next to each other on the end of Scott’s bed. Scott’s confused she said she wanted to talk but they have been sitting silently for a while. Scott really doesn’t know anything about women. When she finally starts talking their irrupted by Mama McCall. She’s all dolled up because she’s having dinner with a member of the male gender who is over the age of 16.

Mama McCall could get it. Yup.

When Mama McCall’s date turns up – she’s not ready – so she sends Scott to get the door. Scott stops before he opens the door because he recognizes a familiar heartbeat… it’s Peter Hale (motherfucker – literally). Scott tried to close the door in the face of the super powerful Alpha werewolf and Peter’s like, really?

Scott: I’ll tell her.
Peter: That I used to be a catatonic invalid with burns covering my face?

He’s been in a coma for 6 six years maybe he just wants to have dinner with a beautiful woman… or maybe he’s going to give Melissa the bite. There’s nothing Scott can do as his mother leaves for her date with the murdering psychopath.

Scott has to ditch Allison to save his mom, but he promises to come back soon. Yeah that’s not going to happen.

Derek's back in the locker room trying to make friends.

Meanwhile Jackson’s in my favorite locker room working out like a crazy person until someone turns his music off. It’s Derek. He compliments Jackson’s music taste and Jackson repays him by running away. I swear to goodness these two combined have the worst social skills in existence.

Now kiss?

Jackson insists he’s not afraid. Derek thinks Jackson’s a liar. Then Derek gets into Jackson’s personal space as he does and tells Jackson to come with him if he wants to be a werewolf. Jackson follows Derek out as creepy aunt Kate watches from around the corner… she hates to see them go but she loves to watch them walk away.

Peter and Melissa are in the car, Melissa thinks they missed the turn off they pull over so she can check her phone. It’s all going well until Peter starts to get creepy about her skin.

This is a perfect example of why I love Peter Hale. He is an excellent villain. He’s so charming one minute then in a second he shifts and he’s just the creepiest dude ever. All good villains should be charismatic because otherwise they would be too easy to defeat. Peter Hale is completely evil – no doubt about it – but he is just interesting enough to be a little bit likable and that makes him that much scarier.

Peter is about to bite Melissa when someone runs into the back of them. It’s Stiles. What a coincidence? Peter compliments Scott on his problem solving skills while Melissa gets increasingly frustrated with Stiles (you have to feel for the woman, Stiles would be a handful). Unfortunately not all teenagers are as smart as Scott, like Jackson. Scott realizes what’s going on and heads off to rescue the town asshole.

Meanwhile at the Hale house. Derek leads a clearly terrified Jackson towards the door.

It's orphan bonding time!

I’ve got to give a shout out to Colton Haynes here because the dude doesn’t get enough love. Jackson’s a total douche with almost no redeeming qualities and yet somehow I still care about him and that is thanks largely to Colton’s performance in moments like these. He just adds this heartbreaking vulnerability to Jackson that only shines through when he is truly terrified.

Inside the Hale house Jackson is confused, he remembers this house, he dreamt about this house. He’s so confused that he doesn’t notice right away that there is no one else around. Just Derek, with his claws out. Jackson starts crying and begging for his life and Derek does that thing where he projects his own shortcomings onto teenagers.

Derek: Look around you. Wouldn’t there be someone here trying to save you, there’s no one here? There’s a reason no one cares that you drive an expensive car, no one cares that you have perfect hair and no cares that you’re captain of the lacrosse team.


At the end of Derek’s speech Scott turns up all hero like correcting Derek’s use of the title “captain”, Jackson is co-captain. Derek says he’s going to kill Scott as well as Jackson but his heart's not in it. Especially considering the next moment he’s trying to protect Scott from the stream of bullets coming through the wall.

Actual anti-hero Derek Hale.

The hunters have turned up, Jackson’s run away but Scott has been hit with a wolf’s bane laced bullet. They are running out of options, Derek tells Scott to run and turns to face the hunters as a distraction (way to be a hero Derek).

Back in Scott’s room Allison is still waiting, she gets a message from creepy aunt Kate telling her that they need to talk. She holds out a little longer before giving up on Scott and heading out to meet her aunt.

Scott stumbles through the woods before collapsing. It’s not looking good until a mysterious hand grabs Scott’s broken body and drags him out of the woods. Scott wakes up in the animal clinic, his mysterious savior is the vet. Deaton has healed his wounds but still refused to answer in anything but riddles.

You are such an annoyingly vague asshole. Let me love you. 

And we have reached the best part of the episode and one of my all time favourite Teen Wolf moments. While this is Scott’s story it’s really all about Allison. Season one is all working up to this point, everything that happens after this point hinges on who it is that initiates Allison into the world of werewolves. Allison is a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off. Both Scott and Papa Argent are both so busy trying to protect her that they don’t notice she’s being led astray. 

Everything would have been different if they had just told Allison from the beginning. This is why Allison trusts Kate, this is why Allison believes Kate because Kate is the only one that will tell her anything.

Kate leads Allison through a basement tunnel. Let’s start with the basics, all families have secrets, the Argents are just a little more interesting. Kate opens a door to reveal a room where someone is chained. Allison walks in slowly and Kate turns a spotlight on revealing a shirtless, wolfed out, Derek!

Kate: Isn’t he beautiful?

Derek roars… and that’s the end.